Tokyo High School Review!

[Kenta.....]

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TOKYO HIGH SCHOOL REVIEW

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. . . with your hosts, Kenta and Valtor Daitan! (This time around, the ending is included!)

NOTICE: This review is for humor purposes only, and I have recieved permission from Inuyasha43 to go through with it. Thank you for your attention.

How did it all start? Well, the plot’s pretty vague, stating only that you go to a high school that happens to be in Tokyo for an unexplored reason. Any joiners were given the option of being either a regular person or having abnormal powers. The joining requirement was that you had to fill out an application sheet, consisting of your name, age, sex, current grade, marital status, powers (or absence thereof), a description of your character’s physical features, and an overview of his/her personality. There were four rules put in place: you couldn’t spam, you were allowed to swear (to an extent), you had to follow the general forum rules already placed down, and you were allowed romantic relationships as long as sex was not part of them.

Kenta: Sounds like the typical ditched-after-three-pages RPG to me. But it’s surpassed 70 and still is growing. Looks like it isn’t enough to judge it by the initial post.

Valtor: Well, obviously not. Let’s focus on the plot, that has to be what did it.

Kenta: Gotcha. Oh, and hello viewers just tuning in. Kenta Daitan here, bringing you the storyline of THS.

Valtor: Hi guys! I’m Valtor Daitan, co-commentator. Let’s get this party started!
MAIN CAST:

CATHERINE
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The originator of the roleplay, and one of the very few people to not be a power glutton. Catherine was relatively level-headed and knew how to tell normalcy from lunacy, which is actually a rare and valued trait to have in Tokyo High School. However, she was too nice in how she humored everyone in the RPG. The lack of discipline was what made THS so funny in some places.



LUNA
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One of the characters of THS to stay for the entire time, and consistently update. While she was indeed faithful to the RPG, the down side was that Luna tended to make rather rash decisions concerning the plot, and gave herself new powers frequently. Still, she was good at staying with the action, which is necessary for keeping one’s loyalty to the roleplay.



GENEVIEVE
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An early joiner who became popular quickly, Genevieve also proved herself to be the first (and one of the finest examples) of the godmods. From extreme power to omniscience, this short-tempered vampire possessed it all, and she certainly made the RPG interesting (and easy to laugh at).



MIKE/ALICE
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The second major godmod to join Tokyo High School, Mike originally settled for being a school bully (with a bit of a hormone problem). However, when fighting replaced the theme of school life in a school-centered RPG, he quickly leaped at ultimate power. A villain and proud of it, Mike made sure to take Genevieve’s place as the biggest bully on the playground. Not the most likeable guy ever, he was still able to capture attention.
Alice is part of Mike, because since she never seemed to be there, she permitted him to control her character. Mike was sure to take full advantage of this. Make of that what you will.



AJ
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Although he was the second-strongest contributor to turn THS into a fighting RPG, AJ didn’t really hang around all that long. In god-mod-ness, he was about at the halfway point in comparison to his fellows. AJ’s main role was playing “Terry’s top rival,” and though he never established himself all that well, he was essential to the plot.



TERRY
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Now THIS was the fighting spirit of THS, if ever there was one. Terry, aka “dagger boy,” was all about battles from the very first post he made, where his established power was “the ability to manipulate all sharp and pointy objects.” While towards the higher end of the spectrum in being a godmod, Terry was probably the second, if not first most vital person, in keeping the RPG alive. He deserves a lotta credit.



KYO
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This kid never really contributed much to the overall plot of the RPG, but he DID get around with the other characters. In fact, Mike seemed to enjoy making a scapegoat of him for being a power-glutton, which he was . . . although almost everyone else was, too. Kyo pretty much deserves credit for largely supporting the theme of fighting in the RPG, and promoting the idea that “any power is okay, no matter how nonsensical.”



KERO
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Here we have one of the perfect examples of roleplayers with The Voice. Kero was the AJ to Kyo’s Terry, in how these two were rivals to each other and Kyo always seemed one step ahead of him in fighting. Kero didn’t actually do all that much for the RPG, but his number of contributed posts was significant.



JASMEN
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Like Kero, Jasmen never had much luck in standing out in the RPG. However, despite this she kept sticking with the RPG until the end, and became enough of a support character to signify the most frequent posters who constantly bathed in the spotlight. Godmod? Yes, but not remarkably. Jasmen wasn’t really much the fighting type, and just tried to survive.



MAY
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May was one of those characters to prove that you could have very few powers and STILL be a godmod. Her major power was the ability to freeze the very fabric of time itself, which as you can imagine, created a lot of opportunities for her. She did try to play hero a couple of times, and split up a few good fights, but for the most part her efforts didn’t pay off a whole lot.



ALEX
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One of the few characters to think out what he was doing, Alex is worth mentioning despite not staying in Tokyo High School for a long time. He was definitely a godmod, but unlike his fellows, he seemed mature enough to handle his powers. Although he showed off somewhat, he acted more like an actual person than the others. In any case, he was more realistic.



SETH
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Seth was of the few roleplayers to actually take his time and write a well-thought-out paragraph in his posts. He was a little god-moddish, but compared to some of his RPG mates, he remained pretty good about controlling himself. Seth managed to change the plot late in the RPG, and for the better at that. To be precise, he gave his fellow RPers something they’d previously lacked: a reason to use their powers. Kudos to him.



AQUA
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One thing about this kid is that he loved to show off. You will be exasperated to the point of sheer disgust when you read about him. Of all the godmods in this RPG, Aqua was by far the most notorious. He had every power under the sun, he played hero ALL the time, and considered himself more important than everyone else. On top of that, he was completely unrealistic. If ever there was a Chosen One under God Mod, it was him.

**************************************************************************

PART I
Excitement level: Below Average


***

Kenta: Right, let’s see . . . the story begins with the initial character, a sixteen-year-old girl named Catherine in the eleventh grade. She’s . . .

Valtor: Normal, right?

Kenta: Oh come on, who joins an RPG just to play the Tristan Taylor character? She turns into a cat if her eyes water at all, and returns to human form when she falls asleep.

Valtor: Wait a minute . . . so you could sprinkle dust in her eyes and make her into a cat, then shoot her with a tranquilizer and have a human back again?

Kenta: Yeah. What’s your point?

Valtor: Um . . . a cat would’ve shrunk out of its clothes, and then when turned back into a human-

Kenta: DON’T finish that sentence . . . I GET it. Sounds like we’ve got ourselves a fan of Fruits Basket here.

Valtor: Uh-HUH . . . okay, let’s just get back to the story.

Kenta: Fine.

Catherine starts off apparently late for school. The story cuts off with her waiting for the stoplight to change so she can cross the street.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Ow! You don’t have to yell . . . but yeah, here’s the first joiner. It’s a guy named Davon, age seventeen and also in the eleventh grade. Normal, or Not Normal? Take a wild guess.

Valtor: Normal?

Kenta: Ha-ha-ha-ha-NO. He has increased senses . . . sense of taste, sense of smell, sense of hearing-

Valtor: Man, that would SUCK!

Kenta: Hah-? Why?

Valtor: Well, what if someone blew an air horn directly in his ear? What if they shoved a bug in his mouth? What if . . . someone farted in class? What if-

Kenta: Point taken. Move on.

Davon goes through a regular morning routine, a little less grammatically-correct than Catherine. At the end of the post, he’s in THS.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Ow! Stop that! Meh . . . ‘kay, his name’s Jon, a sixteen-year-old eleventh grader, and he’s got the power of invisibility. *Putting down a Fantastic Four comic book* How original.

Valtor: Hey, are we even gonna bother with physical descriptions and crap?

Kenta: No. Nobody actually cares about that. Now move on.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: WILL YOU-?! Ugh, forget it. We’ve got Luna next, a sixteen-year-old tenth grader. She’s got the power of turning into a wolf.

Valtor: Wow, lotta furries in this RPG.

Catherine eventually makes it to school, after suffering a cut knee from falling down. Luna also walks to school, feeling sorry for herself that nobody ever notices her.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Geez, they’re taking forever to get anywhere. Maybe that’s the reason this RPG’s lasted so long.

Valtor: Ah-hem!

Kenta: Oh, right. Here we have Genevieve, age- wait, what? What kind of a name is “Genevieve” for a girl?? I can’t even pronounce that!

Valtor: Well then again, what kind of a name is “Kenta” for a boy?

Kenta: It’s perfectly normal in Japan.

Valtor: You’re a character from fourteenth century England.

Kenta: Ah. Touché. Anyway we have . . . Genevieve . . . age “seventeen,” eleventh grade, and vampiress. I wonder why she chose to be a character that’s superior to human beings in every way?

Valtor: You just finished Hoenn Insane. You were traveling with one the whole time.

Kenta: Mary-Sue was a vampire?!

Valtor: Never mind. On with the plot.

Genevieve drives to school at twice the speed limit. Because she can do that. She’s a vampire. She takes a moment to laugh at human inferiority. Davon, who’s in school already, says hi to his buddy Daron and sits down in Reading class. Genevieve growls at Davon to move. He does so, and asks her name. She continues to be blatantly rude to him.

Kenta: Aw gawd, not an emo kid . . .

Catherine is told to stand out in the hall for being late. After a while she gets let back in and dazes off in class. Meanwhile, Davon grumbles at Genevieve to be nice, and sits there bored out of his skull. Nobody pays the slightest bit of attention to the lesson.

Valtor: I’m bored out of my skull too.

Kenta: It’s official. This RPG was supposed to die before reaching the second page.

Jon makes it to English class. Genevieve reads Davon’s mind and finds out stuff about him. She can’t actually perceive his deepest thoughts though.

Kenta: She READS his MIND? What on-? . . . how has she not been yelled at by now?!

Meanwhile, Catherine heads to gym class, wishing that school wasn’t so boring. Genevieve has that same class, and is uncharacteristically concerned about her knee. Catherine says it’s okay, so Genevieve promptly leaves and gets ready for Baseball. Meanwhile, Davon leaves his class for Math and notices the teacher has a gun in her desk. Because his super sight gives him the power to look straight through solid wood.

Kenta: Oh, come ON!

Valtor: Ladies, guard your privates around this guy. On the plus side, however, we’re seeing the first little hint of a plot in two pages.

Catherine is ready to play Baseball when a guy throws sand in her eye just to be an ass. She turns into a cat, and everyone starts laughing at her and beating her up for being a freak. Despite the unrealisticity of this event, it STILL manages to portray actual life the most accurately. Because kids can be little ****s.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Way to spoil the tragic atmosphere. But yeah, new character. His name’s Mike, sixteen years old in eleventh grade, and apparently he doesn’t have one tragic flaw.

Valtor: At least he’s the first and only normal character.

Kenta: If you could call sage maturity at age sixteen normal.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Crap, this is getting hard to keep track of. We’ve got a sixteen-year-old girl names Aiko, who- . . . wait a minute, she’s only got a post count of 4!

Valtor: Oh. So she does. I guess I raised my voice for nothing.

Kenta: Well, for the record, she’s Not Normal. Surprise, surprise.

Catherine’s getting beaten up as a cat, when Genevieve comes and saves her. Well, you know how godmods love playing the hero. Then she takes the bat and hits a home run. Well, you know how godmods love being glory hogs. Meanwhile, Jon decides he doesn’t want to play Baseball and turns invisible. He sits hidden under a tree, pretty much defeating the purpose of interaction with others in roleplaying games. Luna comes along and sees that Genevieve just beat up a boy in the class. She states the obvious (“Something is strange about that girl”) and then asks the cat if it’s okay, as if expecting an answer. From a CAT. The cat, Catherine, thinks that she’ll have to erase Luna’s memory if Luna keeps snooping about and finding out her secret.

Valtor: Yep, Fruits Basket fan all right.

Kenta: *In mockery fangirl voice* Oh, Yuki!

Valtor: 0_0; . . . you did that impression WAY too well.

Davon decides to play hooky during Math class and climbs to the top of the school and watch the girls play Baseball. Genevieve omnisciently catches him watching them-

Valtor: *Feigns shock*

-but is soon afterwards distracted by a boy named Alex, who also happens to be a vampire, trying to control his urge for blood. This isn’t the actual character Alex, by the way, he comes later. Genevieve strokes her ego by expressing how no human would DARE try talking to her directly, and asks Alex how she can help. Meanwhile, Catherine asks Luna for a lift to the nurse. Meanwhile, Davon gets caught for being tardy and has to stand out in the hall. Meanwhile-

Kenta: Could we possibly use a different word than “meanwhile”?

Valtor: It indicates that the posts are switching. Just bear with it.

Meanwhile, Luna is somehow able to understand the cat and senses also that the vampire nearby is plotting something against her. Genevieve totally ignores Luna’s comment towards her, even though she previously decided to acknowledge Davon on the roof, and continues to feel sorry for herself after agreeing to help Alex. Meanwhile, Mike is bored out of his skull in Math class, and gives further indication that kids these days are probably passing school by cheating, because they do NOT pay attention during class.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: He’s a fifteen-year-old in tenth grade named John, NOT NORMAL AGAIN, capable of teleporting and controlling fire. Looks like a KH Axel fan.

Valtor: And his personality and descriptions are both “mysterious.” Wooooooo.

John wakes up and goes to class. He’s quick to prove that it’s not that he has a mysterious personality at all, but he merely lacks one. Back with the cat and the wolf-furry, Catherine expresses her surprise to Luna that she can speak “cat,” especially since it wasn’t included as one of Luna’s original powers. In the meantime, Genevieve calls her sister about Alex, and keeps up her streak of emo over the phone. Mike leaves Math for History, indicating yet again how bored he is. It’s almost as if he’s asking his fellow RPers to quit ignoring him and give him a sliver of attention already. Davon makes a big show of completely disrespecting his teacher, and runs off to football practice. Getting back to John, he enters class and again displays the fact that he lacks a personality.

Kenta: By the way, everyone’s saying “damn it” left and right, because it’s cool to swear.

Valtor: It makes them feel like adults.

Catherine is dropped off at the nurse’s office, where she sleeps in the bed and becomes human again. Disregarding the fact that she’s left her clothes back on the Baseball field, she legs it to History class, another “boring” class. Meanwhile, Mike acknowledges John, who returns the gesture of kindness by completely ignoring him and instead calling the teacher an “a**hole.” He then lights the teacher’s pants on fire, deciding on the spot that he wants to find out what the inside of a juvenile delinquent prison looks like.

Kenta: All right, I admit we’ve been adding our own flavoring to this story. But seriously, it’d be boring as hell without it.

Valtor: Man, this is even easier to make fun of than DN Angel.

Genevieve takes control of John’s character without his permission and punches him in the stomach, then twists his leg in the air.

Kenta: Wow. Someone needs to get laid.

John yells “flame on!” and punches Genevieve from behind, performing a double-cowardice move of attacking a girl AND doing it from the back.

Valtor: Wrong, Kenta, this isn’t KH . . . this is F4 again.

Kenta: Well, it’s just a matter of time before the guy with super strength and the guy made of rubber come along, then. I mean, it’s already happening in One Piece as well, these kids won’t be able to resist such distinguished copyright power for long.

Catherine does the only sensible thing, and runs to the Science lab to put out the teacher’s butt. Take note, by the way, he’s done absolutely nothing but stand there this whole time, without even screaming. Meanwhile, Jon (not John) decides he wants to take part in the RPG again and sneaks back into the school using his Invisible Woman powers. The fire alarm goes off. Back on the main scene, John excuses his attempt at cremating the teacher alive by saying he wants to fit in. And what better way to fit in, after all, than to light a man on fire in front of his classmates? He decides to leave and never come back, which is a sound idea since the cops are probably on their way. Genevieve keeps up her bullying streak by calling him moron and threatening to kill him, and John merely wonders to himself if he’s going to get grounded.

Kenta: Anyone who’s reading this review right now, we’re not making this stuff up. They really wrote this.

Valtor: So! What have we got so far, from two and a half pages of studying this successful roleplay?

Kenta: Let’s see . . . okay viewers, to make a successful roleplay:
1. Use the rules everyone else uses in their RPGs and be real vague with the plot.
2. Let everyone have super powers that they’re not mature enough to use properly.
3. Constantly indicate how boring the RPG is, how cool your own character is compared to everyone else’s, and how “unique” you are. Oh, and swear a lot, without regard to the “no really bad words” rule. Realisticity not allowed.
4. Mercilessly bully anyone more noobish at roleplaying than you, to make yourself look better. Hey, it works in real life with social status.

Valtor: We covered?

Kenta: Yep, we’re good to go. On with the plot! . . . or randomness.

[Kenta.....]

PART II
Excitement level: Above Average


***

Catherine cleans up John’s arm for him pityingly, telling him that if he says he’s sorry, everything will be peachy-keen. John does, and nothing more is said about it.

Kenta: The teacher FORGAVE him?! For almost killing him??

Valtor: Wow, he must be Jesus.

Genevieve goes back to class, and is somehow easily able to stay alert even without paying the slightest bit of attention to the trigonometry lesson. Meanwhile, Catherine takes John to the nurse’s office, and afterwards hits a random spammer on the head, causing him to be put in the nurse’s office too.

Valtor: It doesn’t say that.

Kenta: It should have.

Mike is the only one to acknowledge that what just happened could have been potential murder, and his status as a roleplayer rises on the spot, in the eyes of any respectable RPer. Meanwhile, Genevieve continues to be as emo as ever in the lunch room, planning to skip school on the following day. Catherine and John get John’s cuts taken care of, then leave for lunch.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: No, not a new character. See the post count? Five. We’re not going to milk anything out of a member with a whopping five posts.

Valtor: What if she ends up changing the plot?

Kenta: Then we’ll twist the story around. There’s nothing we can say that wouldn’t make sense by now. Perhaps we should have Godzilla come and blow up the school, and then have Genevieve use her god-powers to miraculously rebuild it in ten seconds.

Everyone’s in the cafeteria by now. Catherine resumes feeling sorry for herself for having a cat curse put on her. Genevieve indicates that there are even more vampires in the school, like her friend James who’s sitting with her at lunch. She makes sure to remain as racist against humans as she can. John thanks Catherine for her help, and she, in turn, thanks Genevieve for bullying the boy at recess who’d bullied her. Because it’s right to solve violence with more violence. Then she gets to asking Genevieve-

Kenta: “By any chance, might you happen to be an undead demonic being which feasts on the blood of humans like me?”

Valtor: That’s . . . not quite how she put it.

Kenta: True, but you don’t go up to someone capable of killing and eating . . . er . . . drinking you on the spot, and ask them something like that. Unless you have a death wish.

Valtor: Well, Catherine’s already stated numerous times that she hates her cursed life.

Kenta: Oh yeah. Maybe she DOES want to die.

Genevieve tries to deny that she’s a vampire, even after doing such a sloppy job of covering the fact thus far, but Catherine says that it’s okay. Genevieve tells her she’s wrong, and stalks off with her emo vampire cronies. Catherine decides that even though Genevieve is emo and a bully and a godmod, she still wants to be friends with her because she’s “cool.” Yeah, THAT makes sense.

Kenta: I’ve got the stake and the hammer all ready to go, here.

Valtor: Boy, if Nature Dragon Vivi hadn’t already quit the forums, we’d be SO busted for making fun of her like this . . .

Luna conveniently overhears Catherine’s conversation and pats herself on the back for recognizing that there’s something weird about a girl covered in battle scars and a superhuman emo kid with fangs. Yes, this review is dripping with sarcasm. Meanwhile, Genevieve sulks in Language Arts class about how much she hates being a vampire, and how she’d rather rot in Hell.

Valtor: Let’s see *weighs choices* . . . burning in eternal agony . . . superhuman powers . . . eternal agony . . . superhuman powers . . . gee, Genevieve’s right, Hell’s a MUCH better choice.

Luna continues to wonder about the cat, and decides that’s more important than learning how to speak proper Japanese. Catherine enters the room and picks up a book, pretending to read it. She really just spends the class talking to herself, however. John sits down next to Catherine and spends the class commenting that he hates Language Arts. Genevieve spends the class prying into Catherine’s mind and violating her privacy, before commenting that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone . . . especially after bullying two boys and crapping on everyone’s feelings she’s met thus far.

Kenta: Exactly.

Class ends and Luna skips off the Science, only to encounter her first antagonist: a guy named Seth. This isn’t the Main Character Seth, by the way. He steals her headband, just to be an ***. Genevieve decides it’s time to play hero again and threatens Seth to return Luna’s insignificant headband to her, or else. Yes, after JUST STATING that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Seth disregards the fact that Genevieve miraculously knows his name and continues his generic bully taunting. Meanwhile, Catherine re-encounters her own generic male villain. He again throws inexplicably-attained sand in her eyes because he has nothing better to do with his life, and tries to beat her up in cat form . . . since he apparently can’t beat her as a docile little eleventh-grade girl. And even though she has sand in her eyes, Catherine somehow still manages to maul him in their fight.

Valtor: I’m sensing a little sexism here . . .

Kenta: You’re three or four pages late.

Once the fight’s over, Catherine catnaps and returns to human form, and again heads to class without slightest regard to the fact that her clothes are no longer on. She has blood in her teeth, but can’t be bothered to wipe it away. Meanwhile, Genevieve has beaten up her third boy in three hours, and heads to class. Nothing valuable (aka, learning) happens during Science, and Catherine goes to the bathroom to wash out her bloody mouth. It is then that Genevieve decides impulsively to befriend her after all (probably mistaking her for a vampire with the whole “bloody mouth” thing), and Catherine agrees and heads to Art class for another boring lecture she’ll never pay attention to. Genevieve, on the other hand, goes to music class and gets to play a piece that SHE wrote a hundred and nintety-three years ago. More ego stroking.

Kenta: I’m sorry, but this vampire has to die. I can’t take this.

Ramirez (from Dawn/Dusk) : Want me to kill her for you?

Valtor: No, that’s okay. The author behind the character left the forum forever. It says so in her siggie.

Ramirez: Then quit complaining about it! . . . although you gotta admit, she is damn irritating to have to read about.

Valtor: Amen to that. On with the “plot.”

Catherine leaves art class five minutes early without permission and heads to Music class, pausing at the nurse’s office to laugh at the nameless boy she mutilated. In Music class, Genevieve is again flattering herself by playing better than anyone else-

Kenta: *Waving stake and hammer* The egotist must die NOW!

Valtor: Calm down, Kenta. We know.

Catherine notices there’s only ten minutes of school left, even though she’d gotten out of Art five minutes early and it would’ve been over by now. Without mentioning she’s decided to sneak back into class, she finishes her picture just before the bell rings. When it does, Genevieve leaves on her motorcycle. Jon (not John), who hasn’t done much of anything up to this point (and has also had his fire alarm idea completely ignored), leaves in his crappy car. Catherine hangs around, waiting for John.

Kenta: Well! School’s out for the day. Have we picked up anything new in our formula to roleplaying success?

Valtor: Nope, same ol’ same ol’. Just keep beating up those generic villains as if they were stuffed animals, and everything’ll go a-OK.

Kenta: And common sense?

Valtor: Keep right on tossing it out the window. Screw common sense.

Luna ends up leaving school directly after the headband incident, and indicates to anyone who cares that Seth has been a pain to her for a long time now. She also vaguely suggests that the headband is needed to help her keep her sanity in wolf-form. Catherine greets Luna briefly, but promises herself secretly that Luna is never to see her cat form again. Like that’ll really work out. Mike passes Catherine briefly without comment, and after a half hour of waiting, Catherine gives up and goes home. She does her homework and then heads off to the Arcade, how exciting. Genevieve, after speeding home at a hundred and twenty mph (and again not getting nabbed by the police), does HER homework and then plays music with her Josie and the Puss*cats band of fellow vampires. Davon, who’s also been left behind in the plot, drives past Luna and offers to give her a ride home. We don’t hear about this again for several posts. Back at the Arcade, Catherine plays random games of no meaning to the plot, then spots Genevieve at the DDR machine. Both roleplayers communicate their love of Dance Dance Revolution to the audience by going at it together, but before a winner is determined, Mike pops in with two posts of meaningless home life.

Valtor: Hey, c’mon, he’s just trying to get some background information in.

Kenta: Alright, true, but I wanted to see who would win DDR. It’s probably the one who isn’t mature enough to handle a loss.

*Valtor and Kenta look at each other*

Kenta/Valtor: Dibs on the egotistical vampire.

Valtor: But it’s gonna get interrupted again first.

Luna declines Davon’s ride offer and decides to go looking for her mean older sister, who was supposed to pick her up. She transforms into a wolf and runs to the (dun, dun, dun) ARCADE, and not even one citizen has a complaint that there’s a @#$%ing WOLF running down the road. She reveals that Seth has a twin brother as evil as himself, whom she meets at the Arcade. His name’s Adam. Meanwhile, Catherine and Genevieve are still at DDR, which goes on pointlessly for about six or seven posts, with Genevieve always seeming to be winning. Who could’ve possibly predicted this?

Kenta/Valtor: *To each other* You owe me twenty dollars! Sike! Aw, crap.

Catherine and Genevieve completely ignore Luna’s situation of possible attack by Adam (either that or Genevieve’s gotten bored of playing hero), and head home, the vampire stopping only to acknowledge her new generic villain, Mitchell. Yes, he’s another man, the third evil one in a row. Because apparently, all men are bad.

Kenta: Take note of that; add it to our reasons for RPG success.

Valtor: Take note of what? That all villains should be male? Or that all villains should be the opposite sex of your character?

Kenta: Hurry up!

Valtor: You sound like Mary-Sue.

Catherine realizes she’s gotta get home herself, and hastily leaves the Arcade. She walks through a cloud of smoke that came out of nowhere, and becomes a cat when her eyes tear up. She has to be let into her house when she finally gets there.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Not one that’s going to stay. Get on with the story.

Catherine eats supper and goes to bed. Woo-hoo. Genevieve, on the other hand, once again strives to hog the spotlight by treating Mitchell as an Itachi-like villain. Her father tells her to “avoid him at all costs,” indicating that this guy isn’t just another random punching bag. But he obviously isn’t THAT concerned, because when she says she’s going out again, nobody tries to stop her. Genevieve attempts to read Catherine’s mind, even though she lives . . . how many miles away-? But reads Catherine’s sister instead. Sister/Amy is proposing a DDR tournament at late night, and Catherine later agrees to go. Genevieve decides that a petty dance tournament is worth the risk of getting caught by Mitch-tachi, and heads out for it.

Kenta: Heh, heh, heh. Mitch-tachi. Go ahead, say it aloud. It sounds almost exactly like “Itachi.”

Valtor: Will you PLEASE . . .

Kenta: Okay, fine . . . but from here on out, we’re calling him Mitch-tachi.

Going about seven hours back in time, Luna fights Adam and gets away with some cuts and bruises. Yeah . . . a girl and a guy are, at best, a mere even match AGAIN. But then later, Luna’s sister Ashley never comes home, and her mother tells her she has to go get her. And the only place Ashley could be is where everyone else already is- the Arcade! But Luna meets Adam again, and this time he actually seems capable of kicking her ***. Luna figures this was a setup by Ashley (why?), and braces herself. Meanwhile, Catherine and Genevieve are ignoring Luna’s fight with Adam for the second time now, since confessing their love for DDR is so much more important. Genevieve-

Valtor: “i started, and obviously, i didnt miss a beat.” Direct quote.

Kenta: Gee, who would’ve expected anything less from a perfect little princess like her? Hey reader, if your blood’s not boiling at this god-mod character by now, you must have celestial patience. Personally, I’m ripping my hair out here.

Catherine has an easy enough time at DDR, acknowledging that the weak fall early on, while the strong make it to the next round. Meanwhile, Luna’s about to get the crap kicked out of her, but she manages to escape up to the roof of a nextdoor apartment. For some random reason, her sister’s waiting for her on the roof. Luna tells her to go home, then foolishly returns to the Arcade where Adam could easily still be lurking. Predictably enough, she does indeed run into him again, but he doesn’t seem interested in beating her up anymore. Luna watches the DDR tournament like a football game, hoping to please Catherine and Genevieve by having them know she wants them to win. ***-kissing, in simpler terms. Back on the stage, Catherine keeps winning against nameless nobodies (of course) and-

Kenta: Hey! She double-posted!

Valtor: Huh? Oh, she did. Wonder why?

Kenta: Maybe someone posted random nonsense in between, and got his post deleted. Hey, as long as we’re interrupting the plot for the millionth time now, I just want to say that this RPG should have been called “DDR Fights” or something like that.

Valtor: I guess it is pretty weird that we’ve gone through nearly three pages of Tokyo High School now, and have seen nothing about the high school since. It’s only been about advertising DDR.

Kenta: Remember kids! Play lots of DDR! It’s never wrong to stay up late on a school night without your parents’ permission in order to out-dance someone and feel superior to them just for that. All bow down and worship DDR, your Lord and Master for all time!

Catherine and Genevieve continue to ignore Luna’s situation of possible danger by Adam, as they are WAY too obsessed with their Lord and Master for all time, DDR. Meanwhile, Davon gets woken up in the middle of the night when his super-bat-hearing catches the noises made by the Arcade. He drives there, and asks that annoying girl Genevieve-

Kenta: YES! She got called annoying!

He asks that annoying girl Genevieve what’s going on, without acknowledging the rowdy DDR tournament in progress directly behind her. Genevieve decides he’s worthy of being looked down upon by her as “that dope from school,” before snootily walking away without even answering. Genevieve fades out for a while, fancying herself as a quiet, lonely girl whom nobody should have a problem with . . . despite the whole thing about bullying, arrogance, cold-shouldering, etc. Davon decides (correctly) that Genevieve has problems, and instead tries to talk to Luna, with about as much success. Face it, men are soulless, evil spawn of the devil. They totally deserve to be treated like they don’t exist. Anyway, Genevieve tells Catherine that she’s beaten her sister, and threatens that she’d better not reveal her secret, or she’ll regret it. What an ***. Catherine sends her beaten sister Amy home, before winning yet another round of DDR. SO unexpected. Meanwhile, Davon decides he’s through being ignored by a snooty, bi*chy vampire, and calls her a crazy goth. Genevieve is now given a choice: she can show all the maturity of a grown adult (let alone a 274-year-old vampire), and keep her mouth shut about it, or she can fall for the taunt like a little child and continue making an *** of herself in public.

Kenta: I WONDER which one she’ll choose . . .

Valtor: Perhaps the following extract from the story will answer your question.

“i whipped around to face him, and at a human speed waled toward him. i was 5 inches away from him now.
"want to say that to my face?" i barked. my fist was clenched tight, and i locked my jaw to keep my from saying more than i should. i punched him in the stomache, makeing him slam back into one of the arcade games.
"im not to be triffle with if you now whats good for you..." i said darkly."by the way, if i were a goth, then i would be wering black 24/7, im just quiet misunder stood, and more of the alone type people." as i said that, i put him into check mode, both arms behind his back, i would have broken him in two right there, but i would be figured out then. "dont mess with me."i kicked him and walked off.”

Kenta: WHAT A F***ING BI*CH.

*Cue Eric Kartman’s “Kyle’s Mom is a Stupid Bi*ch” theme song*

Valtor: Overkill.

Davon simply gets up and brushes off the beating as though it’s no big deal, and decides to bow out gracefully as best he knows how. He mentions that her strength impresses him, and that she’s almost as strong as he is. Right . . . a seventeen-year-old kid, a match for a 200-some aged vampire.

Kenta: Seriously, does there even exist any situation where he’d stand just a hint of a chance?

Valtor: Does the word “crucifix” mean anything to you?

Catherine simply expresses her amazement Genevieve’s strength, as though she and Davon had done nothing more than armwrestled, and everyone gets back to the DDR tournament despite the fact that half the Arcade is wrecked and they’ve got a violent maniac in their midst. Luna, who’s dying for attention, tells Genevieve that she knows her secret, and the vampire threatens her, too, to never to tell anyone. Because even though everyone in the Arcade has witnessed her superhuman strength, they’re all still too retarded to know better. Outside the Arcade, Davon decides he wants revenge and calls his brother to come over, meanwhile wishing for Genevieve’s defeat. Yeah, THAT’ll happen. Genevieve gives herself super hearing and omnisciently catches every word he says, of course, then plots her counterattack. In the meantime, she tells Luna that she’ll reveal her secrets if Luna comes to her house. Yeah . . . that place swarming with vampires. Does Luna accept? Duh. Who doesn’t want to be around a bunch of fanged undead creatures with short fuses?

Kenta: Wow. Sarcasm levels are going WAAAAAY up.

Valtor: It can’t be helped. This story is just too easy to make fun of.

Kenta: Oh by the way, have we picked up anything new on what makes a successful RPG?

Valtor: Yep. People like violence and sexism. And everyone enjoys being part of a big secret. Oh, and use of an overly-popular real world attraction is good too.

Kenta: What about character interaction?

Valtor: Only the people who post the most frequently deserve to be taken seriously. That’s what I’m getting from this. And the two characters we hear the most about are Catherine and Genevieve. Everyone else can just go straight to Hell.

Kenta: Except Luna. She seems to finally be getting a foothold.

Valtor: It helps that she’s a girl. Since Davon’s an icky boy, he’s being vilified. But you know what, it’s remarkable that Genevieve’s finally stopped ignoring him.

Davon overhears Genevieve (only in his case he has a right to, since it’s one of his original powers) and plans on tailing her to where the secrets are being revealed. Genevieve hears him right back, and snickers with confidence at her own plans. Which she predicts will work to perfection. SPOILER: Nothing ever becomes of this. So in the meantime, it’s time to go into the semifinal round of DDR with Mitch-tachi, who’s apparently a traitor for some reason. Because that’s definitely the best way to deal with a traitor . . . by out-dancing him. Yeah. Anyway, Genevieve wins *gasp* and so does Catherine. Wow, who would’ve guessed that they’d face off in the finals?

Valtor: And Mitch-tachi doesn’t even try to stab Genevieve or whatever, after losing?

Kenta: No, things always work out the way Nature Dragon Vivi wants them to. As for Catherine, she also wins and- . . . she double-posted again. Because she was too busy with her cell phone to notice or something.

Valtor: Cell phones can be so crappy sometimes . . . mine echoes my voice whenever I speak into it. CRAPPY!

Kenta: Getting back on subject, who’s going to win this tournament? The seventeen-year-old human, or the 274-year-old vampire?

Valtor: Well, Genevieve will probably have a fit if she doesn’t win . . . and Catherine certainly acts mature enough to take a loss well. So-

Genevieve wins, of course. How unpredictable. But rather than savoring the victory she’s swiped out from everyone’s grasp, she instead worries about how to best go about killing Mitch-tachi. Catherine heads straight home for an hour and a half’s worth of sleep. Genevieve and Luna take their leave as well, and Genevieve ends up not killing anyone that night. When morning comes again, Catherine is worried that she hasn’t gotten enough sleep, even though she’s fallen asleep in school numerous times the previous day.

Valtor: She double-posted AGAIN!

Kenta: How has this RPG not been disqualified at this point?

When Catherine and Luna walk to school the following morning, Catherine finally acknowledges the wolf-furry for the first time in nearly twenty-four hours. They chat about going over to their vampire friend’s house after school, STILL never considering the fact that they’re placing themselves at the complete mercy of an unstable monster. Genevieve herself is sulking over what’ll happen if Mitch-tachi shows up during the visit, as she’ll have to kill him if he does. Although she had numerous opportunities the previous night to do it . . .

Kenta: Seriously. I can’t even come up with this stuff.

Valtor: Aw, it’s okay, I’m sure somebody still loves you.

Luna worries that her generic male villain, Seth, will once again try to bother her even after getting his *** handed to him by Genevieve last time. Catherine assures her it probably won’t happen, although you know it probably will. They sit in Math class, and don’t learn anything, as usual. By the time Gym rolls around, the girls go down to their locker room and meet Genevieve, who’s paranoid that Mitch-tachi is looming over them prepared to strike at any given moment.

Kenta: Refresh my memory, WHY didn’t she just kill him the previous night?

Valtor: She had a DDR tournament on her mind, obviously. You can’t very well concentrate on killing someone with that lodged in your brain.

Luna prays to the god of Catherine (AKA Inuyasha43) for track in Gym, and miraculously it becomes track day. Catherine, however, hates track. She lets Luna have her fun and decides to just rest in the shade.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Do we finally have one worth acknowledging? I guess so . . . his name’s Vamp, and he’s a vampire. Very clever, Vamp. He’s fifteen years old and already in the eleventh grade, and like Genevieve he also strives for the emo attitude. Uh-oh.

Valtor: Do all vampires mope around feeling sorry for themselves all day??

Kenta: If they do, then Vincent Valentine is DEFINITELY a vampire. My former 98% certainty has made the jump to 100%.

Vamp decides to prank the teacher . . . but because placing a tack on her chair seems too childish, he settles for RUNNING HER FREAKING CAR OFF A CLIFF. Then he flies back to class, immensely pleased with himself.

Kenta: Oh my @#$%ing god . . .

Valtor: Just let it go, Kenta. We’re gonna have to get good at doing that. And with that said . . . NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Again? Hey, it’s Ryuji!

Valtor: *Butting Kenta out of the way* It IS? Wow! Finally, someone who thinks out what he writes!

Kenta: *Butting Valtor out of the way* Yeah, now let me cover the basics. His name’s Kenny, age sixteen, eleventh grader. He has the power of-! . . . .

Valtor: What? What’s his power?

Kenta: Ranma ½ . . .

Valtor: Oh. He . . . turns into a girl . . . when splashed with hot water . . .

Kenta: Well, at least it’s the other way around from the original manga. At any rate, this’ll provide us with some interesting situations.

Valtor: True that. Ranma ½ is gay as an anime, but the manga’s awesome.

Kenny makes his first appearance in History class, bored out of his skull like everyone else. Okay, seriously, someone’s gotta give these zombie teachers some trucking pills, or at least zap them with a cattle prod. Catherine notices that he’s not paying attention, although she’s in the exact same boat.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Did Jon, John, Mike and Aiko just decide to quit? Not that I blame them . . . nobody ever gave them a chance to really get a foothold. Anyway . . . a new guy’s in. Tyler’s his name. He’s got a post count or 28, so he couldn’t have contributed much to this RPG. Should we really bother including him?

Valtor: . . . we’ll humor him.

Tyler appears just as Spanish class is about to begin. Kenny, who’s also got the class, intelligently wonders aloud why he needs to take Spanish in a Japanese-speaking school.

Kenta: YES! This roleplay DOES contain intelligent life forms!

Tyler says that Spanish class bites more than being bitten by a snake, ha-ha-ha-ha. After he introduces himself, Kenny does the same, revealing that he’s really from America. Catherine takes interest in him, and-

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Sheesh! I’m getting so sick of you doing that . . . but fine, new character. His name’s also Mike, age sixteen and in eleventh grade, and just like everyone else, he fancies himself as ‘Not Normal’ . . . and for the record, mysterious. Everyone just loooooves being abnormal and mysterious. This is main character Mike, by the way, so you’ll be seeing a lot of him.

Valtor: What is Mike’s power?

Kenta: He openly admits he copied this from Magneto . . . he can control metal, turning it to any state he wants: solid, liquid, or gas. Sounds like a fire-attribute form of M.A.G.I.C.

Catherine promptly ditches Kenny to go ask Tyler whether he’s normal or not. As if she really needed to ask. In the meantime, Mike (from Canada and proud of it) gets his kicks by flinging the metal lunch trays of two innocent cheerleaders straight out of their hands. He then decides he hasn’t wreaked enough havoc yet, and goes to the hallway to pop open lockers just as people are passing them. Some broken noses here, some missing teeth there, eh, who cares? His conscience remains clear. Luna happens to be there when the cheerleaders lose their lunch trays, and states the very obvious: "there must be a prankster around here." Catherine, not wanting to be left out, joins in the stating of the obvious, then takes it one step further and runs up to Mike, asking him if he has powers. Because apparently, everyone in Japan has powers. Kenny becomes the third person to take part in the gasping at powers, only he uses slightly bigger words. As for Tyler-

Valtor: Do we really have to repeat it a fourth time?

Kenta: That’s the character cast for ya . . . lemmings to the end.

Luna decides not to wait for Mike to post a response and has the wind of one of the opening lockers blow her bandana off her head, exposing wolf ears. Well, there goes that secret. Catherine, rather than questioning why a human has furry ears like any real person would, cheerfully returns the headband. Mike thinks it’s rude that his colleagues aren’t letting him have the center of attention anymore, so he steals Catherine’s necklace forcefully and vandalizes it with a melded-on “M.” Then he returns it without even apologizing for half-choking her. To top it off, he slams a kid’s face into a locker (thanks to the kid’s nose ring) and walks away laughing.

Kenta: I think Genevieve has some competition for who can be the biggest *** in the RPG.

Valtor: This school deserves to be targeted by terrorists.

Luna is fascinated by Mike’s super power (probably because he’s being a bully, which was what got Genevieve so much attention), but gets her ear yanked by (dun, dun, dun) Seth. Whom she previously hinted would be back. Seth just walks away wordlessly after the quick ear-pull, making you wonder just what the bloody hell is wrong with him. Meanwhile, Mike considers himself not to be a bad guy, even after all the damage he’s done already in a time span of five minutes. Catherine starts to chase after him in protest, but ever so randomly, someone just decides to throw sand in her eyes for no reason.

Kenta: Does everyone in this school carry around bags of sand in their pockets, just in case the opportunity to blind Catherine presents itself?

Valtor: Does everyone in this school do stupid things for no reason whatsoever?

Luna and Kenny notice that Catherine/cat is no normal animal (no s***, Sherlock) but don’t do anything about it. Mike gets annoyed at the cat’s meowing and decides to exit the school the way all real people do it: through the bathroom window. Kenny hangs around and asks the cat if it’s Catherine, not feeling the least bit stupid for doing so. Catherine ignores him (well, it’s not like she can respond) and leaps out the window after Mike, miraculously making it with her eyes closed. She then runs up to Mike and bites him on the leg to get his attention; a potential suicide move. Mike shakes her off and decides he needs to get away . . . by riding a trash can lid to the roof. Way to steal from Static Shock, Mike. Catherine gives up the chase and goes back into the school for a quick catnap. Miraculously she STILL manages to make it to Language Arts on time, sitting down next to Luna. Mike ogles the two girls from the roof, clearing up any doubts that he’s a teenage boy with raging hormones, and Luna omnisciently catches him watching them through the window. Despite being in class, she calls out the window, asking who he is. Mike flies down to her, probably fancying himself as Prince Charming by now, and in an illegal double-post, starts hitting on her. Luna ignores his attempts and keeps a tight hold on her bandana, and Catherine hypocritically tells him not to double-post, after having done it three times already herself.

Kenta: Not one, not two, but three.

Mike, upon realizing Luna’s too oblivious to his desperate attempts at charm, keeps an eye out for Catherine instead. But the dullness of the lesson at hand dumbs his brain back into liking Luna once more. He begins checking Luna out again-

Valtor: Man, he is obsessed. I’m disgusted beyond words.

Kenta: This guy is REALLY creepy.

Luna makes a sexist comment about how all boys are morons (because all men are hopelessly tainted, remember?) and observes that there’s only one class to go before she can run aimlessly around in the mountains. She and Catherine discuss whether or not Mike knows of their powers, and Luna power-hungrily decides merely turning into a wolf isn’t good enough for her, and adds that she can also blend into shadows as well. Then everyone wastes several more posts commenting on how boring school is.

Kenta: Every last one of them is gonna end up taking customers’ orders at McDonald’s when they grow up.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Great, more names we have to remember. Here we have Sakura, a sixteen-year-old girl in the eleventh grade (what a shock) who’s *gasp* NOT NORMAL . . .

Valtor: It’s official. That “Normal or Not Normal” option serves no purpose.

Kenta: Well, except for Genevieve, we’ve got our most god-mod character yet. Sakura has control over all elemental powers, and can change her appearance.

Valtor: Yeah . . . that pretty much allows her to do anything. But you have elemental powers too, Kenta.

Kenta: Not powers. Power. I have wind M.A.G.I.C. That’s it. I’m not greedy.

Valtor: Well guess what, Sakura’s not done yet. Like Hoenn Insane’s Mary-Sue, she too has an alter ego. Her name’s Ki-

Kenta: I’LL do the character introductions, thank you! Her name’s Kijutsu, and she apparently has many vaguely established powers. Yep, I think we’ve finally found someone who surpasses Genevieve in god-mod-ness. That’s just great . . . more irritating characters for the RPG.

Valtor: Speaking of which, where IS Genevieve anyway?

Kenta: *Hopefully* Maybe Mitch-tachi killed her!

Sakura starts out with a double-post, trying not to be late for school . . . apparently not realizing school’s just gotten out for the day. Mike, being the pervy teenage boy he is, tries once again to hit on a girl by going along with her “bus to school” idea. Everyone else seems to know better, however, and go home for the day. In the woodlands, Luna starts chasing rabbits as a wolf and eventually wanders to the road. Kenny, who ever so conveniently happens to be passing by right at that time, runs over the rabbit she was chasing, and sees her foolishly transform in full sight of the road. When she confesses her secret to Kenny, he feels bad and decides to show her his own curse. By dumping cold water on his head he turns instantly into a gir-

Kenta: Wait a minute, cold water? I thought he said hot water was what did it!

Valtor: Guess we’re going 100% Ranma ½ after all. Screw originality.

Luna conveniently happens to know of a hot spring nearby where Kenny can change back to male form, but he prefers to go back to the privacy of his home and use a hot shower instead. Meanwhile Catherine’s still hanging around the school searching for Mike, still wanting to scold him for shamelessly vandalizing her necklace. She’s on the sidewalk when a car splashes her with a puddle of water and turns her into a cat-

Kenta: HOLD!

Valtor: Again?

Kenta: Yes, again. Why did Catherine turn into a cat for being splashed with cold water?

Valtor: Hmm . . . I guess all these Ranma ½ references messed with her mind and convinced her she was really Shampoo.

Kenny leaves for home, and Luna notices Catherine back as a cat. Once again she asks a cat if it’s okay, fully expecting a yes or no answer. Good thing she happens to be inexplicably able to speak cat. Luna offers to walk Catherine home, and takes the opportunity to show off her powers by again turning into a wolf and hiding in the shadows. Tyler briefly takes a last stab at staying in the RPG before Mike pushes him out of the spotlight. Mike’s walking around town when ever so coincidentally he just happens to run into Cat-therine again. But before anyone can do anything, Luna spots a rat and chases after it, crashing into Mike in the process. Bet he enjoyed that. Meanwhile, Kenny heads to the Arcade, and by the same astonishing coincidence, he just happens to join the scene. What are the odds? Mike takes control of Luna’s character without her permission, making her sob from hitting her funny bone. He must think it’s sexy when women cry. But Luna proudly decides that she hasn’t sobbed after all, and brushes off his persistent interest in her.

Kenta: GOD, he is creepy.

Sakura still has no idea that school’s out for the day, and neither do her nine friends. Luna yells at her for not realizing that, and Catherine yells at Luna for spamming the RPG.

Valtor: Yeah, like the spam really diminishes the quality of this RPG.

Kenta: For the record, have Catherine and Luna completely forgotten about going to the emo vampire’s house after school?

As Mike approaches Catherine, Luna does what any true friend would do, and promptly ditches her, hiding in the alley. Kenny, not looking for trouble, stays out of it. Meanwhile, back at the high school, Sakura STILL hasn’t caught on to the fact that school hours are over. Mike is sure to yell at her about it before removing the “M” he’s vandalized onto Catherine’s necklace, once again acting without her permission. Then he walks away, sighing to himself, probably secretly hoping someone will have pity on him. Luna boldly tells him he shouldn’t mess with Catherine, from the safety of her shadows. Catherine just shrugs off the whole scene and goes home, and Luna returns to her own house. By this time, it’s dark out.

Kenta: How could it be dark out already? I thought school had just started for these people. There’s no way we’re into daylight savings time already!

Valtor: Kenta. Screw common sense. Remember?

Kenta: Oh yeah.

Catherine reaches home . . . and then changes her mind almost immediately and heads right back out the door again. Kenny gets his car washed and is soon back on the road, where he nearly runs over his second living thing in two hours’ time: Catherine. They shoot the breeze, and Kenny observes that the sun’s almost down, ignoring Luna’s previous observation that it’s dark and the moon’s out. Luna herself, meanwhile, becomes a wolf again for no reason and runs through the woods, before coming out ever-so-coincidentally near Catherine and Kenny. The two of them disregard her stalking and end their chat, and Kenny drives home, throwing in a plot twist that his car’s cursed, just like everything and everyone else. Meanwhile, Genevieve-

Kenta: DAMN IT!

Valtor: Aw crap. She’s still alive.

Genevieve is at her house, still worrying that Mitch-tachi will kill her and her family. Since he has nothing better to do. Catherine, after cheering that she’s come back to the RPG, goes home. Luna comments that the red moon makes her more wolfish in wolf form, making you wonder why, in that case, she decided to risk changing into a wolf in the first place. Mike, who’s bored out of his skull again, amuses himself by vandalizing a stop sign and riding it. Get your minds out of the gutter, perverts. Nobody pays attention to his antics, however, and Catherine and Luna go to sleep, Catherine first commenting that tomorrow’s Friday. Apparently school started on Wednesday.

Valtor: These kids desperately need to get their sense of time straight.

The following morning, everyone gets up and goes to school. Sakura, who’s never left the building to begin with, gets a head start on everyone and starts off the day with one of her friends smashing in through the window. And outside the window, laughing at what he’s done simply because it’s so darn funny, is a BOY. Because all men are evil swine. Luna arrives first on the scene, and comments that it’s Adam who’s outside the window. Adam immediately loses interest in his current female bullying victim when he sees Luna, even though Luna’s hiding in the shadows, and happens to be able to blend into them.

Kenta: Wow. Adam must have the Byakugan.

Adam grins at Luna evilly, making the vague observation that “IT happened, didn’t it?” Oh boy, that quote has NEVER been used before. Sakura gets angry and goes through the typical anime transformation sequence that people go through when they get mad. However, she doesn’t freaking DO anything when it’s finished. Three insignificant posts later, however, she does completely massacre Adam like he’s nothing, flattering herself to the extreme. She’s quick to mention how many godmod powers she has, and after totally wiping Adam out with ease, she turns invisible (another power) and flies home (another power) to meditate. Uh-huh. Meditate. Mike happens to see the whole fight, and sarcastically comments about the “drama” of it. Even he knows a crappy example of roleplaying when he sees one. Luna’s a little more tolerant of it, and follows Sakura home, even though Sakura’s INVISIBLE. Way to ditch school, defy logic, and be a stalker all at the same time, Luna.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Is it a down-to-earth one, or another victim who’s easy to ridicule?

Valtor: You tell me.

Kenta: Fine, uh . . . her name’s Alice (oh great, another girl to join the overwhelming majority of females in this RPG.) She’s seventeen like everybody else, in eleventh grade like everybody else, and like everybody else, has super powers. She has psychic and elemental powers. Wonderful. A Merlin Durai wannabe.

Valtor: Merlin Durai’s pretty god-moddish you know.

Kenta: Are you kidding? He only uses his powers when words will no longer work . . . he’s not one to show off.

Merlin: I just sneezed after I was about to eat some hot chicken soup. Somebody’s responsible for scalding my face . . . are you guys talking about me?

Kenta/Valtor: Nope! *Fingers crossed behind back*

Nothing exciting happens again until Mike chances across a guy bullying a smaller kid for no reason . . . except perhaps that he’s smaller. Mike decides that he wants to play hero and saves the kid by having the bully ram his pierced lip into the lockers, with his Magneto powers. The kid escapes, and Mike becomes the new bully of the scene as he continues having the lockers ram the guy with the pierced lip. Kenny comes along and has a good laugh at the expense of Mike’s victim, and the “bully” turns on him. Despite being hit in the head numerous times, he’s still coordinated enough (and brave enough) to pick Kenny up by the shirt and dare him to keep mocking him. Bravo, Kenny. Meanwhile, Genevieve decides that she wants some attention and has Mitch-tachi appear to her in the classroom, pretending like he was the cause of the shattered glass and blood. Genevieve gives him a sound thumping, but doesn’t do the logical thing (which is freaking KILLING him already), giving him time to disappear.

Valtor: Well, at least she allowed Mitch-tachi to land a blow on her.

Kenta: Yeah, and directly afterwards she landed five in a row on him. Uh-huh, that’s totally fair and balanced.

Luna butts back into the picture, after supposedly chasing Sakura home, and automatically makes the guy with the pierced lip the new Adam. Despite the fact that this “bully” has Kenny at his mercy, she elbows him in the stomach and forces “Adam” to drop Kenny. Score: “Adam” 0, Mike/Kenny/Luna 3. Mike perversely has “Adam’s” pants drop in front of everyone, making his score even higher. “Adam” wisely decides he can’t win against three people ganging up on him and flees. Question is: who was the REAL bully here?

Valtor: These kids are in desperate need of a reality check.

Kenta: They roleplay to escape reality. You know that.

Valtor: Then why is a school even needed? Why don’t they just fly on magical ponies through pink clouds, beating up evil bird demons with their super-god-powers?

Kenta: Because it’s too random.

*Valtor stares skeptically at Kenta*

Kenta: Okay, I take it back. Nothing’s too random for this RPG.

[Kenta.....]

Part III
Excitement level: Above Average


***

As the trio pat each other on the back for defeating a guy who could never possibly exist in real life, Alice makes her first appearance in school. She talks with a stereotypical French accent, and Mike tries to act casual, to keep his powers secret from ONE person when practically everyone else in school knows about them by now. Unsurprisingly, Alice becomes suspicious of Mike, playing along with his little hints. Mike decides it’s a good time to play “hard to get” and runs away into an elevator, pretending that he, a **** teenage boy, doesn’t want a hot French chick following him. Alice plays right into it and teleports into the elevator, asking him his name. Mike continues to act “mysterious” for seven or eight more posts in a row, during which time he pretends to try and get away on his “hover board.” Alice pulls him back, unable to resist using her own powers for petty reasons, and pretty soon they’re flirting on the roof.

Kenta: Barf bag, please.

Valtor: Hey, I was supposed to say “NEW CHARACTER!” first.

Kenta: I can’t help it. Kiddie romance is so cheesy. But all right, we’ll bring in our new character now. His name’s Terry, age fifteen, ninth grader. You guessed it, he’s Not Normal (how original) and has the ability of manipulating sharp objects. He’s another one of those people who fancy themselves as mysterious. But at least it’s another boy for a change, to even out the surplus of girls in here. I’m not sure how he plans on interacting with everyone though, as a ninth grader.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: And here we have another guy, AJ, age seventeen and in the eleventh grade. He’s (don’t hold your breath folks) Not Normal, with the ability to control fire.

Valtor: Fire M.A.G.E., eh?

Kenta: I’ll give AJ this: he’s a bit better about limiting his powers than most of the guys here. Hey, is it just me, or is this RPG turning from casual school life into a fighting-based game?

Valtor: Kids like violence. We made that observation a long while back.

Terry and AJ both try to fit their way into the RPG, both with no success. Terry decides to be a bit more forcible about it than AJ, and sends a tack flying at Mike. Mike, who conveniently has the power to sense metals around him as well as manipulate them, stops the tack and spurns Terry with Genevieve-like snootiness. Terry shrugs it off and tries to find his class on his own, clutching a dagger in his hand the whole time.

Kenta: Wha-? Why does he have a dagger in school?? Really, aren’t there enough pencil points available to him to not have to risk expulsion over a fricking dagger?!

Valtor: Hey look, Inuyasha43 thinks everyone needs to slow down, because they’re moving along too fast.

Kenta: You mean, like she and Nature Dragon Vivi were doing earlier on in the RPG, when they left pretty much everyone except Luna in the dust?

Valtor: Exactly.

While Catherine heads off to her second period class, gym, Terry and AJ bumble their way around the school and eventually reach their third and fourth period classes. Nobody bothers to explain to them what’s going on. Everyone ignores each other for a while (and they openly admit it), and Luna eventually captures some desired attention by climbing a tree outside (aka, exiting the school building during learning hours for the millionth time). Time passes without anything extraordinary happening, and Luna loses her headband. She blames Mike, who didn’t take it, and eventually finds out it blew off without her noticing in the tree.

Kenta: Right, I’d NEVER notice a sudden whistling of the wind through my giant wolf ears which wasn’t there a second earlier, thanks to the cover of a headband.

Valtor: Hey, take note of the red moon comment. Powers wax and wane with the moon, eh? That could’ve come from anywhere. Harry Potter, Inuyasha, etc.

Kenta: You’re supposed to say “NEW CHARACTER.”

Valtor: Oh! Right, sorry. NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: This one’ll be easy to remember, since her username matches the character. Mikka’s a sixteen-year-old girl in eleventh grade, who’s got one of the most humble powers so far: hovering ability. Hovering, not flying. I like this person already.

Valtor: She’s single . . .

Kenta: Not like that! And I’m already engaged . . . if I had joined this RP, I’d be the only one in here with the “not single” status. Why’s that option available, anyway?

Everyone continues to bumble around the school for a while, either not knowing where they’re supposed to be or too bored in class to think. After lunch is over, Terry’s still looking for someone to help him. He simply cannot understand why everyone’s avoiding him just because he’s constantly holding a dagger with him like a teddy bear. Catherine’s nearly done eating when Jack comes along to-

Kenta: Huh? Who’s Jack?

Valtor: A generic male villain . . . Catherine’s, I presume. Did we miss him being named somehow?

Kenta: Guess so. Anyway, this would be the guy who keeps dumping sand in Catherine’s eyes because he has no life outside of doing that.

Catherine, although the sand’s been poured on top of her head rather than into her eyes, still manages to become a cat. Just to be an ass (because it’s so rewarding being an ass, I guess), he also dumps her leftover ramen on her and leaves the cafeteria . . . pausing only to throw the ramen bowl at her as well.

Valtor: For crying out loud, NOBODY does that!

Kenta: Yeah, some people do, on extremely rare occasions. But not after constantly getting beaten up for doing it, or doing it just because they’re that bored.

Valtor: Yes, that’s what I mean. This guy has no motive for doing what he does, and he NEVER learns from it! Genevieve kicked his ass the first time for it, and Catherine mauled him up as a cat the second time. As a freaking CAT. Yet Jack’s still thirsty for more punishment??

Luna “luckily” happens to come along and invites Catherine to hang around with her until she isn’t a cat anymore. Catherine agrees, and they head outside school boundaries (as usual) for a nap under the tree. Terry sees them going and wonders what a cat is doing in the school, and decides that tailing it is more important than studying. When Luna and Catherine don’t stop for him, he flings a dagger at the cat and nearly skewers her with it, believing that to be the best approach.

Kenta: Just like Mako Tsunami!

When Catherine asks for a few minutes of rest and climbs into the tree, Terry graciously responds by flinging his dagger at it, cleanly cutting it in two. Scaring two defenseless girls amuses him greatly, although Luna really isn’t “there” anymore, probably having been forced offline for the day. Do Catherine and Terry wait for her, though? Noooooo . . . they proceed to fight . . . immediately after Catherine runs away, turns human, takes a shower and returns. Terry then shows them that he’s been making a mountain out of a mole hill, when he merely asks where he’s supposed to be this period.

Valtor: Wow. That was anticlimactic.

Kenta: It’s guys like Terry that confirm in sexist womens’ minds the idea that all men are complete idiots. Thanks Terry.

Valtor: Have you looked at page 21, by the way? Terry and Catherine take up nearly the whole thing, a mere one page after Catherine’s god, Inuyasha43, demanded that everyone not go so fast.

Kenta: Perhaps now would be a good time to advance the list on successful RPG making.
5. Acknowledge only the people you like, and totally ignore the ones you don’t. The exceptions to this rule are when there’s either nobody else around to RP with, or the other guy nearly kills you.
6. Fill up whole pages with one-on-one replies. That takes up a nice, big chunk of roleplay space.
7. Have everyone feel good by ganging up on generic bullies, thus promoting bullying yourself but never thinking you are.
8. Remember kids! Violence and sexism are your friends.
That it for now?

Valtor: Sounds good to me.

Catherine and Terry, despite being two grade levels apart, happen to sit in the same class together. Catherine’s still in shock that the homicidal maniac behind her nearly skewered her, and Terry’s just bored that all the excitement is over. They are still pissed off at each other when class ends, but Catherine forgets about it momentarily when she sees Jack walking down the hall. She pulls sand out of nowhere and dumps it on his head for revenge. Terry, upon seeing this, decides that she’s also poured sand on him, even though she hasn’t. In revenge over nothing, he makes a small cut on her arm with his dagger and runs off feeling all self-righteous. Catherine dismisses him as a stupid jerk and heads to Science class. Terry, using his magical god powers, makes it so that the school day ends before Catherine’s even gotten out her Science book. Both of them head home, thanking their Japanese god (well . . . either him or the real one) that it’s Friday. Terry heads to a bar.

Valtor: It’d darn well better be the real God!

Kenta: Oh, don’t be so religious.

Terry, whom we must remind ourselves is only age fifteen, gets drunk on a beer and beckons to AJ, who’s just wandered randomly back into the picture. Because he’s drunk, Terry slaps AJ for no reason. AJ, who’s ALSO drinking beer, slaps him back. Although he could have just left it at that, he also takes it one step further and singes Terry’s shoulder with his fire powers. In a drunken rage, Terry flings a knife at him-

Valtor: Oh dear.

-and nicks his ear, taking a tiny chunk off. He offers to fight AJ over what started as a little slap on his part, and when AJ twitches as if to move, Terry kicks him in the face, right off the ground. While any regular person would have broken his neck or at least have been knocked out cold by this magnitude of power, AJ merely gets a nosebleed and retaliates with a high kick, a low kick, and a punch to the stomach. He then egotistically says, with head held high “don’t mess with the best or you’ll die like the rest.” Of course, Terry isn’t about to take this, and he makes his dagger ten times bigger. Because as we’ve all learned from playing FF7, watching Inuyasha, Rave Master, etc, bigger always equals better.

Valtor: You know, we’ve skipped over a lot of other crap thus far . . . how come we’re going so far into detail for this scene?

Kenta: Are you kidding? Everyone likes violence.

Valtor: How did we get from high school life to Street Fighter like this?

Kenta: I TOLD you this was going to turn into a fighting-based RPG!

Valtor: But how long can they go on before a winner is determined? Both of these characters are stubborn boys who can’t accept a loss.

Kenta: Rather than talking about it, why aren’t we just getting back to it and finding out?

Valtor: Ah. Good point.

Terry runs up to AJ, facing him like a man . . . then gets cold feet at the last second and attacks from behind like a pansy. He kicks him to the floor, nails his arm down with a bunch of daggers, then kicks him seven, count ‘em, seven times in the rib cage. AJ wisely foresees that if this keeps up, that “seven” will soon turn into “seven thousand” or some crazy four-digit number like that . . . and he erects a wall of fire before him which Terry can’t penetrate. He retreats home, bandages himself up, and goes to sleep. Terry becomes exhausted and falls asleep from fatigue, right where he is.

Kenta: Hey, hey. How about that. AJ knew when to quit after all.

Valtor: Yeah, well, so much for “don’t mess with the best or you’ll die like the rest.” AJ got his ass kicked. That’ll teach him to mock his opponent.

Kenta: I wouldn’t have wasted time with words. One quick swipe of the Songbreeze would have knocked the wind out of any opponent long enough for me to bow out gracefully.

Valtor: You notice how STILL nobody has called the cops? Where’s the law and order?

Kenta: Dude, does this seem like a law and order roleplay to you? Even the laws of nature are twisted up. AJ and Terry make it Saturday, but Catherine overlooks a mere FOURTEEN HOUR DIFFERENCE and keeps it Friday.

After a little confusion, Terry and Catherine settle for it still being Friday, but dark out by now. Catherine and Luna meet up by the Game Corner/Arcade, and they break the ice by wondering why the ground’s covered with blood. Terry walks past them, trying not to get noticed by wearing a mask, but Catherine inexplicably somehow finds out it’s him anyway. She laughs at the stupidity of violent men (remember, men are nothing but bad news), and lectures to him that he should be resting instead of walking around. Seeing no value in hanging around Catherine for another second, Terry limps around her and heads towards the park. AJ appears and says hi to Catherine, hoping to gain a friend for once. Catherine says hi back and says she’ll return right after some business with ‘dagger boy.’ After a couple more pointless attempts to make him stop and rest-

Kenta: Come on, did she really think that would work? The warrior’s pride does not submit to physical fatigue.

Valtor: Uh, Kenta? He was puking up blood. I think this is an exception.

Kenta: You’ve never handled a blade. The exception is when you’re literally too weak to get out of the hospital bed when you desperately want to, because your body won’t respond. Terry’s still up and moving around. And c’mon, he can’t die. He’s a main character.

Catherine returns to her friends, so assured that she’s correct that she even bets he won’t last another minute on his feet. Way to motivate a guy. And that’s just what happens: Terry seemingly commits jisatsu with his dagger and passes out in the darkness of the park. Because obviously that’s your best hope for survival when you’re grievously injured and waiting for your wounds to heal: by stabbing yourself through the stomach and lying on the cold and infectious ground.

Valtor: And that beer he had earlier would have only thinned his blood and made it run faster from any wounds.

Kenta: How is it this guy survives? Oh right, main character. Silly me.

Meanwhile, Genevieve-

Kenta: DAMN IT!

Meanwhile, Genevieve is still in the RPG, and still sulking over the fact that Mitch-tachi could be lurking around ready to kill her friends, her family, and most importantly, her, at any given time. This sort of thing just never gets old for her. Fortunately the spotlight soon switches back to Terry, who’s survived all right. Abruptly, the scene switches again to Mike, who’s decided weekends are good for devoting to-

Valtor: Video games?

Mountain training. Stereotypical, Japanese mountain training.

Kenta: Yes! Me like!

Catherine observes that the sun’s coming up, meaning she’s been up all night. AJ still seems to think he’s a day ahead, and that it’s now Sunday instead of Saturday, and practices fire manipulation in his garage. Terry, who’s not fully cured yet, makes due with sitting on the roof and watching people pass his house. Luna shadow teleports-

Valtor: Oh, come ON! Another new power?!

Kenta: For god sakes, people, quit giving yourselves more powers! It’s obnoxious already!

Catherine gives up and decides to make it Sunday after all, granting AJ’s request. Speaking of which, after a bunch of fire training, AJ runs into Terry again, and one of the first things out of Terry’s mouth is a battle challenge for a second fight. AJ’s up for it, and Terry “flash steps” to an old abandoned factory not previously mentioned by anyone. By this time, Luna has used her new I-can-be-anywhere-at-once shadow teleportation powers to instantly zap to AJ’s house. He sagely questions how she could have possibly managed to somehow meet him up with him of all people, at his house of all places. She gives him the totally logical and believable answer that she uses the SHADOWS to move around. Because that’s what shadows are. They’re not mere shapes cast by objects blocking the sun’s light. They’re magical portals of darkness. Get with the program, scientists.

Kenta: Seriously.

Valtor: You like doing that, don’t you?

Kenta: Darn right.

Catherine comes along, walking past AJ’s house in the middle of nowhere . . . another astonishing coincidence. Perhaps she’d hoped to pick up Luna along the way, but Luna decides to tag along with the guys, fancying herself as a fighter. AJ climbs aboard a magma rock without even melting his shoes and flies it to the abandoned factory . . . because even though molten rock and fire have zero in common except heat, and rocks can’t fly anyway, in this case it works out perfectly.

Valtor: Don’t . . . say . . . anything . . . Kenta. Screw common sense. Screw it.

Kenta: I’m resisting as best I can, dude . . .

When AJ gets to the factory and yells out for Terry, the dagger user immediately initiates the fight with a brutal kick to AJ’s face. Luna appears nearby, still using her instant-teleportation powers, and hopes she’ll get a piece of the fight. Catherine, who doesn’t want to be left out, turns back time a few minutes and follows after AJ to the fight ground, bringing along her little sister Amy. Yeah, that’s right. Two more high school girls, wandering into a dangerous battle zone with no witnesses around. Brilliant idea. Back in the senseless battle, AJ creates a fireball and pushes it into Terry with a fiery beam, then drives his blazing sword that he didn’t previously own behind it. He comments on how fun the battle is, his throbbing face already completely forgotten. Terry takes the scalding hundreds-of-degrees heats attack with a mere chuckle-

Valtor: You’re forbidden to speak, Kenta.

Kenta: . . . .

And between Luna’s constant interruptions, he rams his foot into AJ’s stomach and grinds a dagger into his side. He comments that AJ’s gotten soft, as if he’s known AJ his whole life, and without regarding that AJ has spent every second of time after their previous fight, training. As Luna continues loving violence and Catherine continues wasting posts being indecisive about who’ll win, AJ uses superhuman speed (a trait not included previously in his joining profile) to punch Terry multiple times. He’s laughing the whole time, which is a REAL smart thing to do when you’ve just been stabbed in the side by a dagger.

Valtor: So, who’s gonna win?

Kenta: Dibs on dagger boy. You know how in anime, someone can be fatally scalded by fire and still be perfectly fine, but when they’re stabbed and are bleeding profusely, they’re about to die? Terry’s going to claim victory, I say. Oh, and he has better battle sequences too.

Terry congratulates AJ on getting in a punch volley, which pretty much proves it didn’t accomplish jack. To drive the coffin nail in further, he moves around in a dizzying dance and finally kicks AJ from the ceiling, then pins him to the wall with an accurately-thrown dagger. He declares victory upon his feat, fully expecting AJ to hand it to him like he did last time. AJ, however, isn’t ready to quit yet and knocks Terry back directly into a mini-volcano, which he claims he summoned since he can control fire. Because molten rock is definitely fire. Terry accepts the burn, humoring AJ, but knowing that it’s no harm to him in the slightest. Since his last “finisher” wasn’t effective enough, this time Terry puts his knife straight through AJ’s back, adding that it drips blood on the floor. Blood’s always assimilated with death/defeat after all. And Luna, who’s been wanting to fight for ten or twenty posts now, adds in to hurrying it along by agreeing with Terry that AJ’s been defeated. To make his RP friends happy, AJ submits and gets his ass out of the way, making it clear to them that Terry could never injure him badly enough to kill him. But he’s still out.

Kenta: YES! You owe me five bucks, Valtor!

Valtor: I never betted you.

Luna steps into the match, completely unafraid of Terry and his daggers that could easily puncture her skull. Although it DOES help that Terry is wounded and shaky from the previous battle. As Luna and Terry go at it-

Kenta: Not like THAT, of course-

Valtor: I wasn’t thinking that, pervo.

Terry realizes that Luna’s going for the cheap dodging tactic, rather than honorably taking blows like AJ did. To contemplate, he decides that instead of quick, non-fatal strikes (which will get dodged anyway) he’ll just go in for one killing blow, an intelligent strategy. For once, I’m not being sarcastic. For some reason, however, he lets Luna gain the upper hand in battle, something he never did with AJ. From the sidelines, Catherine watches and cheers on Luna, telling her she can beat that boy. Yeah. Beat that good-for-nothing male, Luna. AJ miraculously wakes up from his death-faint, and tries to aid Terry in battle by giving him a double-edged magma sword. You know. Just to even the odds a bit, since Terry’s already wounded and a wolf hybrid is going after him. But Catherine, who’s gotten used to seeing girls kick boys’ asses and doesn’t want to lose that now, snatches the sword away.

Kenta: Remember kids, sexism is-

Valtor: -your friend. They know. Is that all you have to say?

Kenta: Actually, I also wanted to add that three people that haven’t posted for at least six pages now have suddenly decided they want to take part in Tokyo High School, aka Street Fighter RPG, after all. Should we acknowledge them?

Valtor: Nobody else has. Why should we?

Luna converts to demi form and her ability to dodge increases. Like it really needs to. Terry senses defeat and gives his next attack everything he’s got, delivering a kick to Luna’s stomach and sending her reeling to the ground. Hey, now that he’s already said it happened, she can’t say she dodged, right? But bearing in mind that the producer of the RPG is rooting for Luna and that he’s admitted using up all of his strength, Terry eventually concedes defeat. To heal his injuries, he once again stabs himself in the chest with his dagger. What-? Did I say something weird?

Valtor: Why does Terry keep doing that?

Luna swears as she hits the ground, then skips any acknowledgement that the attack injured her and moves right to the attack phase. While Terry is down and clearly defeated, she turns into a wolf and rams him into the back wall. Catherine foolishly- er- bravely steps in and tells Luna to stop, saying that dagger boy can’t fight anymore. Luna blames it on her wolf instincts, and uses her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once shadow teleportation powers to zap back to the forest, where she’s somehow able to break a solid TREE in half with her wolf jaws. That calms her down. Catherine also returns home, has supper, and goes to bed, as though just going through the last steps of a perfectly casual day. Back at the factory, Terry realizes he’s been ditched and rightfully gets all pissy about being left for dead. He goes home, feeling perfectly healthy by now, and spends the rest of the night trying to forget the battle. Kenny jumps back into the picture, commenting quickly that he saw the whole battle and that it amazed him.

Kenta: . . . because that’s what people do on the weekends. They visit old abandoned factories for kicks.

Valtor: Hey, c’mon now, Ryuji just got left behind for about five or six pages. He doesn’t know what’s going on. Inuyasha43 never told anyone to slow down this time, for the sake of people like him.

Kenta: Nice . . . that should be another key to roleplaying success. I’ll start listing again.
9. As long as you’re still caught up on the action, let the RPG go as fast as it will. Screw the people who get left behind. If they don’t want to do all the boring and extremely slow reading up to the current part of the RP, they can just go straight to Hell.
10. Fighting’s always fun, even when there’s absolutely nothing to fight over. I mean, did you see any victory in this last one? Waste of time. But it accumulated quite a few pages of posts for the RPG.
11. If someone wants to win a fight, let him win. It could be as predictable as Yami winning his next card game, and you could create fight scenes of near perfection, but if the judges around you want the other guy to win, let him win. Or her.
12. Nobody really gets injured in a fight until blood is spilled or limbs are broken. You could be burned to a crisp, near-fatally electrocuted, shot by gamma rays, etc, but you’re fine for as long as you retain a normal appearance. And laughing while fighting your opponent always reinforces your health. So laugh a lot if you want to win.

Valtor: Wow. Lot of fighting-based rules.

Kenta: How many RPGs do you know of where fighting isn’t a factor?

Valtor: Point taken.

[Kenta.....]

PART IV
Excitement level: Excellent. Except for the beginning.

***

Terry gives himself a new power, the ability to surf on thin air.

Kenta: Will you people PLEASE cut that out?! That is SO irritating! Why can’t folks just be happy with what they @#$%ing have?

Valtor: Don’t you gain new abilities as you level up?

Kenta: Doesn’t that happen maybe once a year? Don’t they all fall under the same attribute? Isn’t it for the sake of an RPG which was about fighting from the very beginning, and not about high school life? Aren’t these abilities used for noble reasons, and not mere mindless grapples without any point?

Valtor: Ouch.

At about two in the morning, Catherine wakes up and can’t get back to sleep for some reason. She goes outside and looks at the moonlight. By unbelievable, amazing, miraculous coincidence, Luna and Mike just HAPPEN to get up as well, right at that same time. Kenny and Terry hurry to follow the lemming principle, and they too stay up for a reason never explained. And what becomes the thrilling outcome of this mysterious incident?

Valtor: What? What?!

Kenta: Are you ready?

Valtor: Yeah!

Kenta: Are you suuuuuure?

Valtor: Doggonit, Kenta, freakin’ TELL me already!

Kenta: Nothing!

Valtor: . . . . huh?

Kenta: Nothing happens.

Valtor: What? . . . what do you mean, nothing happens?

Kenta: I mean exactly what I say I mean. Catherine gets back to sleep, and wakes up again at ten in the morning. No adventures, no midnight encounters, no nothing.

Valtor: Are you SERIOUS?! MAN that was lame!

Kenta: It proves a point though. The lemming principle is abundant in THS.

Valtor: What a load of-! Pfft. Forget it.

Catherine starts off the next morning by begging her fellows not to let the RPG die (after five days of no posting after the “lame” incident), defying the forum version of Darwin’s survival of the fittest. She then decides to stroll around as a cat, and throws inexplicably-attained sand in her eyes.

Kenta: How is she not blinded for life by now?

Alice (who you don’t see again for a while) starts following Catherine the cat, because apparently people love stalking each other in this RPG. Catherine asks her why she’s following, supposedly expecting Alice to understand her cat language.

Valtor: Meow-meow meow meow meow-meow meow.

Kenta: What’s that? The chair you’re sitting on is giving you a wedgie?

Valtor: Yep. See, you got it. What stupid baka-head doesn’t understand cat language?

Terry is wakened by Catherine’s mewling, which just happens to be right outside the window of his house. The exact same holds true for some random THS poster that we never bothered introducing . . . and won’t since she insists on speaking in first-person, thus making it very hard to remember her name.

(A/N: Random THS poster is actually Jasmen, a main character. Everyone ignored her for so long that I honestly thought she would quit the RPG. But her persistence was absolutely amazing. I’d recommend her as a roleplayer for her loyalty.)

Random THS poster asks the cat, a possible stray, if she’s Catherine, without feeling the least bit stupid for doing so. Catherine denies it in her cat language, but random THS poster still calls her by name and yells for her to wait up. Terry decides he may as well talk to Catherine since he has nothing better to do (including eating breakfast, showering off the stink, nursing his wounds, etc.), but when he tries, she scratches him and hisses. So he bops her on the head. Catherine runs home and takes a nap (after having already slept in until ten), then leaves her house again as a human. She still has nothing better to do than wander aimlessly.

Kenta: God, I’m so BORED.

Valtor: So is Catherine. That’s why when random THS poster suddenly makes it Monday and time for school again, she doesn’t protest.

Random THS poster enters reading class and sits down, getting started on a boring assignment. Catherine acknowledges that it’s Monday after all and sloppily covers up the newfound fact by “forgetting” that there was school today. She runs to school, and Luna teleports with her new I-can-be-anywhere-at-once powers. Terry takes his sweet time getting there. Random THS poster feels that there hasn’t been enough fighting in the last few pages of a school-centered RPG and magically makes it so that there’s a fighting class. Predictably, Luna and Terry are immediately drawn in.

Kenta: Remember kids, violence is your friend.

Catherine and Kenny, on the other hand, stay realistic enough to keep high school as it is: boring. This definitely doesn’t agree with Mike, however, who decides to ditch school and do something much more constructive- crushing cars with his metal-manipulating Magneto powers. While he’s busy vandalizing expensive objects and terrorizing crowds of Japanese citizens, Terry decides he wants in on the action too. He makes the remainder of the school day magically end with one post and runs home at a hundred-fifty miles per hour, only to be knocked into a wall by a randomly-flying car.

Valtor: One hundred and fifty miles per hour?!

Kenta: Pfft. I can move way faster than that.

Valtor: Well, you know wind M.A.G.I.C. This guy only knows how to manipulate sharp objects, yet he’s going faster than most cars can at top speed.

Kenta: We’ve just gotta get used to people giving themselves new powers. You’ve got to be tolerant of nearly everything to read this RPG from beginning to end.

Catherine tries to pull the plot back to her by announcing that there’s a carnival coming to Tokyo which takes place from that night until the following Sunday. Luna listens, but Mike and Terry are too obsessed with violence, their friend, to care. Mike sees a fire engine come along, doubtlessly headed to save a family somewhere from being burned to death, and halts any chance of a rescue by flipping it over and laughing. He flatters himself by announcing that he is an expert with his powers. Luna can’t resist the urge of violence any longer and “hears the crash” about ten or fifteen miles away from the school she’s in. Luna does what she does best, which is ditching school, and instantly finds Mike wrecking stuff. She foolishly headbutts him in the stomach, yelling at him to stop it. Yeah, that’ll defeat him.

Kenta: That is so random . . .

Terry sees Luna headbutt Mike, and whispers to himself, “That is so random…”

Kenta: YES! My respect for him has gone up tenfold!

He then throws a dagger at Mike, having not learned from their previous encounter (the tack incident) that Mike controls all things metal. Catherine gives up on school and ditches it like everyone else, and like Luna she instantly gets to the battle scene. She shouts uselessly at Mike to quit before he gets caught, and Terry again comments on how random it is that she’s now arrived on the scene. Notice that the dagger he’s thrown at Mike in the previous post is still moving through the air. Luna turns and acknowledges Terry briefly, before worrying that the police will arrive and ban super-powered kids from Tokyo.

Kenta: Wow! That’s the first time anyone besides us has mentioned the possibility that cops even exist in this RPG.

Valtor: Personally, I think that ban would be the best thing that ever happened to Tokyo.

Terry takes over the fight, calling Mike for himself. Notice that the dagger he’s thrown at Mike two of his posts ago is still inching its way towards Mike, but has yet to hit him. Terry grabs Mike, resists his flailing arms, and runs him to his house, where he locks him in the basement and turns off the lights. Luna, now having nothing better to do, uses her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once teleport powers to zap to a sunny meadow, where she falls asleep. Meanwhile, Mike has FINALLY sensed Terry’s dagger, which has been coming at him at about two miles per hour. He stops it in midair and tells Luna he doesn’t want to fight, despite the fact that he’s locked in Terry’s basement in total darkness right now, and Luna’s napping in a forest somewhere. He tells them that all weapons are useless against him, because they’ve all got a metal of some sort in them that he can control.

Kenta: Merlin would kick his ass so fast . . .

Valtor: Oh yeah, that’s right . . . Merlin’s “weapon” is a wooden staff. More like a walking stick.

Kenta: It’s Merlin. With him, even a walking stick is lethal.

Mike walks off, blowing the caps off of fire hydrants and causing even more damage to Tokyo. Damn, does he ever need a hobby. Alice makes a brief appearance that nobody will acknowledge, and Luna invites Mike to fight her. She feels pretty good about it after yesterday, having defeated a half-dead kid two years younger than her. Terry, the half-dead kid being talked about, goes to his usual bar and sits down with a drink. Apparently the bartender doesn’t care that he has six years yet to go before he’s legally allowed to do this. Catherine sighs (there’s a lot of un-mentioned sighing that goes on in this RPG by the way) and heads to a coffee shop for a drink. When she comes back out, it has begun to snow. In September. Meanwhile, Terry is picking fights in his bar, and indicates that there are even more people in Tokyo with supernatural powers.

Valtor: You know, if you watch enough anime, you start to notice that a lot of crap happens in Tokyo. Whether it’s Tenchi or Teen Titans, the capital of Japan is always in trouble in one way or another.

Kenta: If the cops really were to kick out all the superpowered people in Tokyo, there’d be maybe a dozen or so folks left.

Luna humors Catherine by also admitting she’s noticed snow, and heads ever so coincidentally into the same shop Catherine’s in. Mike, meanwhile, is admiring some gloves he’s made for himself out of tungsten, the heaviest and strongest metal in the world.

Kenta: He’s never heard of adamantite, then. . . . . . okay, yes, adamantite isn’t real.

Valtor: Hey Kenta, why do older kids like coffee? I think it tastes like crap.

Kenta: They like the rush you get from the caffeine. Same story with people who smoke crack.

Luna and Catherine observe the weather change rapidly back and forth from snow to rain, but shrug it off as someone using weather-manipulation powers. They head home, and as Terry himself is heading home, he too observes the snow in September. He throws his dagger at some random imaginary girl in the sky, but of course nothing comes of it. Meanwhile, Kenny is busy racing his car against some other people, only to have it careen out of control in the snow and crash. Terry miraculously happens to spot the smoke, and rather than getting indoors and out of the snow and rain like a real person, he sprints UP THE MOUNTAIN to check out the wreck. Mike egotistically takes full credit for destroying Kenny’s car, despite not even knowing it was coming, and thus not being anywhere nearby when it occurred. He then gets bored of causing mayhem everywhere and decides to take up stalking Catherine. He “sneaks up” on her.

Kenta: Right, with heavy tungsten gloves weighing down both his arms, he’ll DEFINITELY be able to sneak.

Valtor: It reminds me of the Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged episode where Tristan sneaks up on the guard in a heavy suit of armor which clanks every time he takes a step.

In the meantime, Terry helps Kenny, aka “the person” (that’s what you get for writing in first-person) back to town, whether or not he actually needed it. Terry then gets confronted by three nameless nobodies, two of whom look familiar, and one who controls the ice element. They attack him for no reason. Luna uses her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once teleportation powers to zip straight to Kenny’s wrecked car and uselessly asks herself what happened. Getting straight back to Terry, he’s getting pulverized by the three nameless nobodies, which is ironic considering that when AJ was fighting him, he simply laughed off all of the fire attacks that hit him. You know, fire, that stuff which burns you with agonizing pain you if you touch it, and kills you if you stay in it for more than a few seconds? Yeah. That fire.

Valtor: Stop being so sarcastic, Kenta.

Kenta: I will, just as soon as they quit giving me a reason to be.

Luna magically turns back time about ten or twenty minutes and follows Terry back to town, to the point where he first gets jumped by the three nameless nobodies. Sensing an opportunity to play hero, Luna headbutts one of the bad guys and is counterattacked neither by him nor the other two at all. Hey, c’mon, they’re nameless nobodies. They don’t have brains. Luna smiles heroically and asks Terry if he needs a hand.

Kenta: “I laugh in the face of danger, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Terry decides to play the damsel in distress and allows the ice guy to shoot him with Poke’Mon’s Ice Beam attack. Luna tackles another guy, easily bringing him down at once, and again invincibly not getting hurt in the process despite Terry’s own difficulty. Throughout this battle she seems to take over Genevieve’s place as the most godmod character of the RPG.

Valtor: After all that’s happened in Genevieve’s absence, maybe she really IS dead this time.

Kenta: Ssh! You’ll jinx it!

The last guy, the ice-elemental, starts to run and Terry gives chase, ignoring the fact that so far this guy’s kicked his ass twice. The ice dude goes three for three and again overwhelms dagger boy with a barrage of ice missiles. Terry faints. Somewhere else, Catherine has heard Mike behind her and is asking him who could be manipulating the weather like this. Because Mike will obviously know. Alice cuts into the RPG, trying to crush everyone with a “downward draft,” but because she isn’t a major character at this point, everyone brushes her off. Catherine goes home and starts her homework, after saying goodbye to Mike. And Luna invincibly knocks out the last nameless nobody who finished off Terry.

Valtor: I guess invincibility is another new power for her, whether or not she ever admits to having it.

Kenta: Well, duh. She was invincible all throughout “The 4th Wild” as well, even against the final boss. Just once, just for ONCE I’d like to see her get injured, and not just by someone else’s controlling of her character. *Stares at Valtor* Come to think of it, I’d like to see you get injured once in a while, too.

Valtor: *Shocked* I’m your brother!

Kenta: So? *Pinches Valtor’s nose*

Valtor: Ow. You know, Adam did injure her back at the Arcade.

Kenta: Ooh, a couple bruises that she briefly mentioned and never acknowledged again. Yeah, that’s definitely a real injury.

Luna revives the injured Terry by roughly shaking him awake, but he thanks her anyway. Then he does the most intelligent thing you can do when you’re injured, and goes looking for the ice guy again. That’s right, the guy who hit him with three ice attacks in a row. Apparently Luna hadn’t finished him after all with her super god powers. Random THS poster butts in thinking it’s fighting class again, and hangs around waiting for someone to give her an order. She can’t wait to use her “best power yet,” which “everyone will like.” Surprisingly, Terry actually decides to humor her and lets her join his chase for the ice-manipulator guy. Jasmen-

Kenta: Oh, so that’s her name! Jasmen!

Valtor: Do you think it could be “Jasmine”?

Kenta: Who cares? Point is, she’s finally quit talking in first-person.

Valtor: Hey, when is Tokyo High School gonna get back to being about a high school in Tokyo?

Kenta: Do I have to pinch your nose again? I TOLD you already, it should have been named Street Fighter RPG, because that’s what everyone in here obsesses over: fighting in the street. Except Catherine.

Jasmen can’t make up her mind whether to follow him or stand around playing twenty questions, so Terry just keeps going without her. He catches the ice manipulator guy grinning at him from some random building, before walking inside. He bravely/foolishly goes in after the guy, not having Luna around anymore to save his ass for him. Alice yet again cuts into everyone’s business, sick of being ignored. She exalts herself above them all by having the weather turn into a lightning storm, supposedly zapping everyone with a thunderbolt.

Kenta: Aaaaaand the contestant from France, Alice, has just taken the lead! This’ll be a close one, folks, but I’ve still got my money on-

Valtor: What the crap are you doing, Kenta?

Kenta: Just commentating on who the bigger godmod is. Alice just passed up Luna with that last post, and I’m portraying it as a race.

Mike finally does something for the sake of good, not evil, and wraps Alice in a metal straightjacket made of lampposts to restrain her. Terry, who’s just barely survived his offscreen battle with the nameless nobody who manipulates ice, drags himself out of the building and courteously acknowledges that Alice is, in fact, there.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Is he going to stay? He’s got only thirty-seven posts.

Valtor: Don’t be lazy. We might be able to milk this one a little bit.

Kenta: Oh, fine. The guy’s name is Artix, age sixteen and in eleventh grade, and shockingly enough, he’s Not Normal. His occupation is Paladin, which means he can use a holy sword and shoot light beams at people. Holy warrior, right up your ally dude.

Valtor: Yeah, uh, NO. Real holy men don’t use swords and light beams or flashy stuff like that, they humbly pray constantly for God’s support and tell everyone about Jesus. Being holy has nothing to do with all the bells and whistles these fakers attach to it.

Kenta: Wow. You’re really touchy about this sort of thing, aren’t you?

Valtor: If you want to shoot light beams, buy a flashlight. But don’t go throwing around a word like holy if you clearly don’t understand what it means.

Kenta: Valtor . . . you’re scaring people away from Jesus again.

Valtor: Sorry dude.

Artix thinks that school’s in session since he hasn’t looked back through the previous pages, and starts off his limited story in the school building. He’s obsessed with Catherine, whom he places in the classroom, and lets everyone know that he wants a girlfriend desperately.

Valtor: SO. NOT. HOLY.

Kenta: Hey, at least the RPG’s temporarily focused on the school again, right?

Valtor: Are you kidding me? We’ve got another guy in school only for the girls there, and he’s even more obsessed than Mike was when he first started. I think I liked it better as it was going.

Luna checks out the tied-up Alice before quickly getting bored and leaving. Same story with Terry, who heads home and broods over his battle with the ice guy. Jasmen and Artix both try to fit into the plot and fail fantastically. Not a whole lot to say, here.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: This guy looks like he’s a keeper. His name’s Kero, he’s fourteen years old, and he resides in the ninth grade. He has a special ability (of course) of turning harmless toys into deadly weapons.

Valtor: Do people never think of anything but destruction and death? Oh, uh, NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Man, they always arrive in swarms, don’t they? Alright, this is the last one for now, and his name’s Kyo. Same age and grade as Kero (real original, Kyo), and of course he ever-so-originally decides to be NOT NORMAL. He can transform into a hawk AND a wolf, AND has telekinesis. Okay, looks like we have ourselves another M.A.G.I.C. user here, who happens to be able to shift his form inexplicably.

Valtor: I’d love to see these people attempt to explain how they ever came around to getting these powers in the first place.

Kenta: Oh, you’d be disappointed. They’d probably come up with some random story that they touched a magical amulet and gained tremendous abilities, or got bitten by a radioactive sheep, or were the heirs to some great wizard that nobody’s ever heard of. Typical nonsense like that.

Kero is walking to “scholl” by himself great another “daisy” of being teased just because-

Valtor: Wait, WHAT?

Kenta: I have no idea what the hell this guy is saying.

Valtor: What do you mean?

Kenta: I mean his writing is illegible. It’s as if . . . oh no . . . he has The Voice.

Valtor: Aw, crap. This always makes things ten times harder.

Kenta: Let’s just skip ahead to Kyo’s story.

Kyo flatters himself as a popular guy at the center of everybody’s attention, even having girls drool at the sight of him as he walks past. Have a first-place trophy for egotism, Kyo. Suddenly a guy walks up to him, and for no reason his eyes turn silver and he gives a sharp screech, forcing Kyo to transform into a hawk in front of everyone. If you’re wondering why this is happening, I’m just as confused as you are. Meanwhile, Kero is wreaking havoc in his own section of the school, having his own stuffed teddy bear turn into a real bear and slaughter all the popular kids for making fun of him. Moral lesson learned from this: if people tease you for being immature, it’s perfectly okay to remorselessly kill each and every one of them. To add confusion to the panic, Kero has his yo-yo magically smash into each and every light in the school, blacking out the building.

Kenta: What the @#$%?!

Valtor: One minute ago, Terry and Luna are busy fighting generic enemies. The next minute, we’ve got two kids randomly showing off their powers in school, which is suddenly back in session. I think I speak for everyone when I ask: why has the world gone to pot?

Kyo forgets all about the guy with glowing silver eyes and runs to face Kero, blocking him heroically with his body, arms extended. He tells him that even though he despises most of these people in the school (whom in the previous post were all in love with him), he won’t let Kero hurt them. He hastily makes a transmutation circle on the floor, ripping the idea off of FullMetal Alchemist, and to make a long story short, dukes it out with Kyo, ending in a double knockout. Kyo must have only read halfway through Kero’s post, however, because he ignores all injuries and asks Kero who he is, before-

Kenta: @#$% this, I can’t take it anymore. YOU try reading this.

“who are you i need revenge on these kids tgey teased me i need to at leaset teach theam a lesson yo yo trsnfrom the yo yo trasfroms adain top trasnfrom the top becomes a mini twister now will you let me go .and since you despise thses people why dont you join my group i need somebody who could come me down from this anger and your the pefect candidate with your panting i give free meals toa ll my members.(he also likes to cook)”

Valtor: All right, I’ll interpret The Voice for you. Let’s see . . . MAN, Kero has a bad case of it! Uh . . . okay, I THINK Kero tries to convince Kyo to join his little me-against-the-world club, so they can blow up all the kids in the school together.

Kenta: These “K” names are hard to remember, stuck together like this.

Valtor: Whatever you say, Kenta.

Terry, sensing a fight in progress, is immediately drawn to where he sees the person with the teddy bear, Kero. Kyo, meanwhile, wakes up underneath a tree, unable to decide whether to go third-person present tense or stick with first-person. Despite noticing his head’s currently bleeding, Kyo shrugs it off and heads off to seventh period class, following Terry. Well, you know how people like to stalk each other in this RPG. Kero writes another illegible post, sloppily communicating that he’s turned all his toys into monstrosities and is ready to fight. Meanwhile, Catherine has to “leave school early that day” on the account of her sister Amy being sick, and leaves after briefly saying hi to Kyo. She asks everyone to slow down for her, even though she has yet to do so for anyone else’s sake so far.

Valtor: Doesn’t she realize that students are screaming and panicking right about now?

Kenta: . . . . . . . no.

Kero, seeing Kyo’s not going to join his ridiculous mission to kill everybody, turns on him. Kyo simply talks down to him, something which is hard to resist doing to someone who has The Voice. Taking up a fighting stance, he heroically yells for Terry to get away while he can. Dagger boy Terry, the most prominent fighter in the RPG. Yeah, he’s obviously a helpless victim. Kero tells Kyo he’s on his HAT list-

Valtor: I think he means “hit list,” Kenta.

Kenta: No, no, he definitely means hat-

Valtor: He does NOT, as you know darn well.

Kenta: Look, if he’s not willing to take the time to spell properly, I’m not about to go correcting his hundreds of typos for him.

And Kero turns his plastic toy dinosaur into a real one, which eats the stars (every single one of them in the sky) and attacks the school. He identifies Kyo as a “silly fairy” and asks him what he thinks of that. Immediately following, Kero again tries to persuade Kyo to be his underling, promising that if he does the school will be spared . . . and he’ll also cook food for him. Hey, join the dark side, we have cookies. Catherine decides that Kyo must be shy to not want to talk to her (it’s either that or the minor detail that he’s about to fight for his life) and walks home. Kyo tells Kero he’s a little imp, and he can be HIS underling or face the wrath of his cursed seals.

Kenta: -a power not mentioned in his intro.

Kero keeps stalling for some reason, possibly from fear of having to fight a player character who can hit back, and pulls out a water gun. Making it into a real gun, he warns Kyo that if he (Kyo) steals his soul, he’ll pull the trigger. As if he’ll be able to, without his soul. Kyo seems to catch some of The Voice himself and uses multiple exclamation marks to scream as the “mysterious” man from before returns. This new nameless nobody forces him to turn into a falcon again, before trapping him in a cage and running away. Kero shoots him with a conveniently-attained tranquilizer, then again asks for Kyo’s friendship, disregarding the fact that he’s fainted and that he’s inexplicably turned from human to bird. Oh sure, happens all the time. Kyo seems to be slightly more in touch with reality, however, and has himself wake up an hour later in the nurse’s office, hooked to a Life Support System. He runs away from the school as fast as his legs will carry him. Meanwhile, Mike has dropped Alice off at Catherine’s house (even though he’s never found out where Catherine actually lives) then runs to the school when he hears a commotion. Although an hour’s passed since the fighting ended, he ends up there anyway, just in time to crash into Kyo on the stairs. Kyo irritably shoves him out of the way and keeps going.

Kenta: Bad idea. Mike’s got a shorter fuse than Genevieve.

Valtor: You’re never going to forgive her for being an emo godmod, are you?

Kenta: Hell no.

Catherine omnisciently hears from some unmentioned source that there’s a fight going on in school. What, a fight in Tokyo High School RPG? How unusual! She just happens to be a mere one block away, despite having an entire hour to walk home, so she hurries back and greets Mike on the steps. Mr. Ego himself is busy burying Kyo in a solid metal cocoon simply because Kyo called him a pest and his pride wouldn’t stand for it. For no reason at all, he addresses Kyo as “Terik”-

Kenta: That’s even less believable of a name than “Kyo.” Who names himself “Terik”?!

Terak: Ah-HEM!

Kenta: Oh. Uh . . . heh, heh . . . h-hi, Terak.

Terak: At least my name doesn’t confuse people as to whether or not I’m a man.

Valtor: *As Kenta’s jaw drops* Served!

-and Catherine goes right ahead and does the same thing. Rather than chewing out Mike for being an asswipe to new students (or simply because he’s been needing a good yelling-at since his arrival), she simply tells “Terik” that he shouldn’t tick people off. Screw moral values, Mike has RPG seniority. Leaving him to hang there until he dies of blood loss out of his nose, Catherine runs home. Mike goes home as well, then climbs into his Chiddy-Chiddy-Bang-Bang flying car and heads off to the mountains for training. Back in the steel cocoon, “Terik”/Kyo manages to slip out of his bonds by eventually becoming a hawk. He then ever-so-intelligently goes to spy on Mike, the guy who just owned him in their previous encounter.

Valtor: People sure spy on each other a lot in this RPG. Boy are they nosy.

At this point, Jasmen has gotten herself into her own fight with a fire-attribute guy. Like every other fight in this RPG, there’s no reason included behind the violence. She decides to play the damsel in distress and allows the nameless nobody to beat her up, waiting to be rescued. Kyo leaps at the chance to play hero and immediately comes to her aid, putting up a force field around her and himself. He then pulls some bandages and medicine out of nowhere and starts to heal her. Mike yells at Kyo about previously attempting to spy on him, explaining how it’s impossible. He never stops to consider the impossibility of all the crazy crap HE’S ever done, and ends his post hastily by finishing his training. Kyo apologizes to him anyway-

Valtor: He’s more respectable than first impression shows, I’ll give him that.

-and has Jasmen’s enemy to grab him through the force field and pummel him, breaking his arm.

Kenta: Make that WAY more respectable. Not many people have the humility to allow themselves to be beaten up by someone else’s generic villain.

Valtor: You’re my new favorite character of this RPG, Kyo! Come to think of it, you’re the first and only.

The guy who was previously pounding Jasmen smashes up Kyo, and Terry comes to his rescue, hauling both him and Jasmen to the hospital. You’d think it would be full to bursting with people after all the damage Mike’s done to Tokyo, but it’s not. Terry goes home and flips on the news, seeing that the stories are about the unusual weather and a robbery case. He puts the two together, even though they’re about as irrelevant as they can be, and goes to town looking for trouble. Kyo conveniently happens to be watching the same exact channel and flies as a hawk to the robbed store, despite his injury. He finds that Kero is supposedly the one robbing the store since his toys are shown. Terry goes with it and tells Kero to back down. He gets swiped back by Kero’s bear about fifty feet, but still heads back in for more, landing a kick on Kero’s face.

Kenta: Ever notice how this guy ALWAYS goes for the face?

Valtor: He must be American.

Kyo appears, asking Terry why he didn’t wait up for him. Well, excuse Terry for not anticipating that a critically-wounded hospital patient would try to push his way into a dangerous fight. Kyo then turns his displaced bone into a shuriken-

Valtor: That wasn’t one of his original powers. Man, and I was just starting to like him too.

Kenta: On top of that, doesn’t he NEED that bone if he ever wants to use his broken arm again?

-and throws it at Kero. Kero asks why he’s being attacked, which is a half-logical question considering he never agreed to becoming the robber in the first place, and blocks the shuriken. Meanwhile, Luna happens to wake up right then and omnisciently knows to use her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once shadow teleport powers to go, of all places, to the robbed store. Then Mike-

Valtor: Hold it.

Kenta: What? What’s with the interruption this time?

Valtor: Check out this quote from the actual RPG.

(RavenHawk985 OOC: ) Ok, first, what the heck is with your post squirtle, how does it relate to the stuff going on now.

Kenta: Okay . . . he’s talking to some guy who joins the RPG and never stays. *Looks back at Squirtle’s post, consisting of an event where he ran to school without any pants on* What’s wrong with what RavenHawk said? He was right, this has NOTHING to do with the current events.

Valtor: I’m talking about what Mike said, when telling him off for that comment!

(Shadow_Mike OOC: ) It doesn't have to. Roleplaying is playing a character from their your character's point of view. If your character isn't near where you are then thats okay. Squirtle wasn't doing anything wrong.

Kenta: “Their your” character’s point of view?

Valtor: Focus on the big picture, Kenta. Half the kids in school are dead, the lights are down, and the building’s in ruins. Also, I think school would’ve been out by this time.

Kenta: Oh, I see. Mike’s telling off another kid for being logical.

Valtor: By now, it’s probably against the rules to be logical in this RPG. Maybe that’s why everyone’s avoiding logic.

Mike makes it automatically the next day, sleeps in, and hears sirens. He gets angry that people keep fighting in the town (making him the biggest hypocrite yet), and takes a walk to get some coffee. He constantly switches from past to present tense and back again throughout the post. Meanwhile, Terry has acknowledged that the fight injured him, and limps home to get some rest. Luna asks everyone what’s going on, and Terry tells her to go home. Which is, in fact where she belongs. Then he goes to the park and sleeps on a bench like a bum.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Not one worth mentioning. He’s not even a high-schooler.

Valtor: I was talking about the second one below him. Have you forgotten that new joiners always come in waves?

Kenta: Oh, yeah. Our newest joiner (whether or not he actually stays) is named Fire, something parents regularly name their kids. He’s merely fourteen years old and already in eleventh grade, and of course he is NOT NORMAL. He’s a cat demon of fire.

Valtor: Can I be a cow angel of eggnog?

Kenta: Sure can. That’s easily as believable as Fire’s profile.

Kyo puts his bone back in his arm without mentioning any pain involvement, then wanders away after Terry. He finds him sleeping on the bench in the park, and decides that he’s gonna take away his soul just for the hell of it. He performs some sort of forbidden alchemy sign and releases the souls of the dead (unspecified, could be deceased mimes for all we know) to remove Terry’s soul. However, Kero has followed him for no reason (remember how much people love stalking after each other in this RPG?) and tells him he’s dishonorable for attempting to take someone’s soul while he’s defenseless.

Kenta: *Brushes finger* No! Bad Kyo! You don’t steal other people’s souls! Naughty, naughty, naughty!

Kero threatens to transfer Kyo to his “doodle pad” realm, stealing his seals idea to do so. Kyo seems to have predicted that Kero would try this, however, and says that this was all a trap just to lure him over. He then locks Kero’s soul away, apologizing to the empty shell in front of him that it had to be this way. Kero, however, comes up with a complete bogus explanation that Kyo actually sealed away the soul from a toy shield.

Valtor: How can a toy shield have a soul?!

Kenta: Hence it being a bogus explanation.

Kero again offers friendship to the guy who just tried to lock his soul away for all eternity, and asks him what they should do with the sleeping Terry, after having just stated that it would be cowardly to try anything on someone who can’t defend himself. Kyo yet again turns down the friendship offer and instead gives himself a new power of sucking people through a portal into the Shadow Realm. Nahhhhh . . . there’s no way he stole this from Yu-Gi-Oh. He tells Kero that if he admits he’s lost, he’ll be set free. Terry wakes up (probably due to all the shouting going on) and grumpily knocks both Kyo and Kero away before demanding an explanation on what’s going on. Kero answers with something completely unreadable, and Kyo flat-out ignores him. Instead, Kyo gives himself still another power, the ability to generate anything at all with his mind.

Kenta: WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP GIVING YOURSELVES NEW POWERS?!?!

Valtor: Geez, and generating things with your mind too . . . way to pretend you’re God. How much closer to godmodding can you possibly get?!

Kero claims to have the exact same powers, though they aren’t as advanced as Kyo’s. He then randomly invites Kyo over for dinner, saying that he’s cooking chicken. Kyo must like chicken, because that’s what finally makes him agree to be Kero’s friend. Kero invites him over, and Kyo fits it into his otherwise completely booked schedule. To be precise, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, eat, play video games, take a crap, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Something like that. They discuss a few more corny friend things, then Kyo heads for home. As he’s walking down the street, he notices a BLACK HOLE FORMING IN THE SKY. How random can you get? He runs to Kero’s house and yells at him to look at the hole in the sky getting bigger and bigger, as if expecting Kero to be able to do something about it. Kero comes up with a completely loony plan to pull the North Pole and South Pole together using rockets, or something like that . . . and then somehow gets it extended to including all the planets in the solar system. Kero flies around planting rockets on all the planets and the moon-

Kenta: NO @#$%ING WAY. Who the hell let you guys out of your straightjackets?!

Valtor: Are these guys smoking pot or something?

Kenta: No, the real question is, how MUCH pot are they smoking?

Valtor: In all seriousness, these are the exact sorts of things that any crack-head would dream up.

Kero and Kyo keep going on about playing Santa Claus and having it rain toys to all the children in the world, when Mike comes along and puts his foot down. For once he makes a logical argument, saying that it’s a high school roleplay, not a save-the-world one. True though that might be, Mike, on the same note, what does going around crushing cars with your brain have to do with high school?

Valtor: We KNOW he’s a hypocrite. You don’t have to keep reminding us.

Kenta: Hey, who isn’t a hypocrite? I make fun of people for stealing ideas from shows, and meanwhile I have the copyright Ranma ½ braided ponytail, the Wind-Scar-like Squall Render attack, and the stereotypical main-hero-with-a-sword role. And did you know that my very name isn’t mine, but Kenta’s from Poke’Mon?

Valtor: We’re here to analyze this random RPG, Kenta. Not you . . .

The story shifts over to Alice, who by the way has been admirably persistent about staying in the RPG despite constantly being left behind. Unfortunately she decides to do what everyone else has been doing, and gives herself more powers. Luna’s I-can-be-anywhere-at-once teleportation technique, to be exact.

Kenta: Wait a second, she already had those.

Valtor: Oh, yeah. Ah well . . . instant teleportation anywhere is still an irritating power.

She somehow discovers that the school is on fire, and teleports to Mike’s house to plead for his help in putting it out. You know, car-crushing, fire truck-flipping, steel cocoon-making, violent lord of destruction Mike? Yeah, he’s the perfect candidate for saving the school. Which if you haven’t noticed by now, he doesn’t give a damn about.

Kenta: She PROBABLY should have thought this out first.

[Kenta.....]

PART V
Excitement level: About Average


***

Kyo, deciding not to fulfill his drug-induced vision of toys raining from a black hole after all, positions himself in the middle of a field, where he wakes up the next morning. Don’t ask what he was doing there to begin with, nobody has a @#$%ing clue. He remembers he has school and flies there as a hawk, and notices that the building’s on fire. Even though it’s been burning all night and should’ve been a smoldering pile of rubble on the ground by now, when he gets there it’s still standing tall. Kyo decides to be a good Samaritan and attempts to put the fire out by turning a nearby fire hydrant into a water cannon. However, when he fires the water at the flames, they get bigger instead of smaller. Oh-kay.

Valtor: Remember that, Kenta. The next time we’re freezing to death in a cave somewhere and have only a small campfire for warmth, dump a nice big bucket of water on it. You heard Kyo, it’ll definitely get bigger if you do that.

Kenta: Why Valtor, you ARE capable of sarcasm!

Alice uses her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once teleport powers to immediately arrive at the school, where she shoots a huge pump of water out of nowhere at the flames. For her, too, they get bigger. The scientific laws of chemistry must be reversed in Japan. She notices a boy in the shadows and demands that he tell her who he is, implying that she thinks someone not even fully-grown yet is somehow responsible for the fire’s immunity to water.

Valtor: Hey, why not? Since when has this RPG been about anything other than children wreaking havoc wherever they go?

Kyo, assuming she means him, says that he’s only trying to help. The giant water cannon beside him SHOULD kinda vouch for that. He then uses his ultra hawk vision to see through the fire and notices there’s a “magic torch” at the center that’s controlling the flames. Darn those evil magic torches. He turns into a hawk and flies into the school, seeing if he can get it out of there. Mike, who’s somehow already made it into the heart of the school, explains that he’s created a perfect metal shell around himself to protect him from the heat, admitting that he stole the idea from Gaara.

Kenta: Uh, news flash! Heat travels even faster though metals than it does through air. He should’ve been cooked like a Thanksgiving turkey by now.

Valtor: Screw common sense, Kenta. Screw it.

Kenta: The worst part is, he says he’s done this sort of thing before. Why on God’s earth is he not wrapped in burn bandages like that mummy guy from Ruroni Kenshin?!

Valtor: Look, if any logic were applied in this RPG, every last one of these kids would have been dead a long time ago. Now quit griping about it and get back to the story!

Mike plays hero and makes it to the magic torch first, surrounding it with a metal coat and snuffing it out. He then acts cool in front of Alice, probably hoping to continue where they’d left off a few days back on the roof of the school. The French chick uses her psychic powers to again summon water out of nowhere and shoot it at the burning building. This goes on for an hour straight, and the school’s cooled down to low, sparking coals. Then she says they should go look for the person who did this, now that he’s had over an hour to get away. Alice also wonders why someone would want to burn down the school.

Kenta: Is she a nerd or something?!

Valtor: Who DOESN’T want to burn down his local school?

Mike looks over at “Terik” (who’s clearly identified himself as Kyo for the past five or so pages now) and implies that it was him, possibly for revenge. He then assholishly shoves past “Terik” and goes to assess the damage. Terry briefly comes along and reconfirms that the school is not, in fact, burnt to the ground but simply somewhat damaged.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: His name’s Ranori, another uncommon, hard-to-remember name, and he’s age fifteen, in tenth grade. Of course he’s Not Normal, with the ability of hydrokinesis.

Valtor: Hydro-what?

Kenta: He’s a water M.A.G.E.

Valtor: Oh. Looks more like a water bender to me, from Avatar.

Kenta: Look, call it whatever you want, it’s still Mind Aptitude of Guardian Influence Control.

Ranori comes along and puts out the remainder of the fire with water from a nearby sink. Then he chases someone with vaguely established powers and tries to water-lasso him around the legs for no reason, but the water just goes straight through the mysterious being’s leg, as if he were a ghost. Meanwhile, Catherine finally comes back and comments on her RPG’s popularity. “WOW THIS RP IS SOOOOOOOOO POPULAR!”

Valtor: Yep, that’s about the only thing it has going for it.

Kenta: Up until now, we’ve just been making fun of it . . . I still have yet to see any actual REAL reason as to why this RPG’s gotten so big.

Valtor: Well, we’re about halfway done, now on . . . page 36. There’s still time for a logical explanation to come up. However, as long as we’re interrupting the plot, how about another list of stuff that makes RPGs popular?

Kenta: Okay, one sarcasm-drenched list, comin’ up!
13. Give your character a big ego, even if yours isn’t so big. People seem to be attracted, both positively and negatively, to folks with ego problems.
14. When you’re dry on plot, make up a completely kid-incompatible event that threatens the safety of the neighborhood. It can range from your local school on fire to a black hole in the sky. Roleplayers love fancying themselves as doers of the impossible.
15. If you’re the leader of the RPG, accept anyone and everyone in, no matter how crappy their spelling and/or creativity is. And don’t request that they improve either one.
16. All previous rules mentioned are still in effect, such as the “be a bully” rule. The more you bully both player and nonplayer characters, the better off you’ll be.
I can’t think of anything else at the moment.

Catherine leaves her house and goes for a walk, rather than staying home and playing video games like a regular person. After passing so many people on the road, she comes across Ranori and decides he’s the lucky one she’ll choose to speak to. Ranori introduces himself and explains that the school got set on fire, then asks Catherine if she has powers, fully expecting a “yes” answer. Catherine confirms his thoughts but doesn’t go into the specifics, and Ranori admits his own power. Just like with everyone else, his water abilities shoot out of control when he’s angry-

Valtor: So don’t anger him.

Kenta: Rule 17. Make sure you mention that your powers increase when you get angry. That way, when you run into a fellow bully with a big ego, you have the perfect excuse to power-up right away. And your friend Violence will be pleased with you.

Catherine looks up at the school in the background behind Ranori and says “Yea, I guess the school is burnt.” Brilliant deduction, Holmes. She walks up to the burnt school, not bothered in the least by all the heat it’s still giving off, and starts to put out small flames with her feet since the one and only fire truck in Tokyo will never come. Because Mike flipped it over earlier. She gets some ashes in her eye and turns into a cat, then looks at Ranori with an I-told-you-so facial expression. Meanwhile, Kyo has finally noticed that Mike keeps calling him “Terik,” and says-

Kenta: “That doesn’t even sound remotely similar to my name, dumbass, now get it the @#$% right already!”

Valtor: Nope, he’s polite about it.

Kyo acknowledges that Mike has stolen what should have been his glory, and decides to shrug if off and just find the guy responsible for starting it. His mind wanders to the guy with pyrokinesis who was attacking Jasmen earlier, and wonders if he did it. Switching back to Alice, she finds Catherine and Ranori together near the remains of the school and asks Ranori if he’s new here. You know, since she’s capable of remembering every old face in school already, after having just transferred from France to Japan. Then she turns her attention to Catherine, and rather than logically assuming she’s just Ranori’s pet cat, automatically “knows” it’s Catherine. Ranori himself asks Catherine how she turned into a cat, plainly expecting a cat to answer in words. Like so many previous people have already expected.

Kenta: Damn you, Bleach! Corrupting childrens’ minds like that . . .

Alice strokes her ego by bragging about her own powers over the elements, and how her psychic abilities are so cool, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Kyo, not wanting to be left out, approaches them as a wolf hoping that’ll get him involved. If they recognize it’s him, hooray, if they don’t, he’ll likely get beaten to death on the spot. Smart move. But Alice does instantly seem to recognize the wolf as Kyo, since wolves and humans look SO alike, and Ranori merely thinks he’s a dog. Luna’s the only one who seems to realize she could be killed in a heartbeat, and puts some distance between herself and Kyo. Mike comes along and humbles himself for the one and only time in this RPG by admitting that he was wrong: Kyo ≠ Terik. He then gets right back into pretending to be resourceful, but mistakingly identifies Ranori as a pyrokinetic, the EXACT opposite of what he actually is.

Kenta: How is it possible that a guy this absent-minded is still able to psychically manipulate metal?

Kyo forgets to remove his magical bracelet, something not previously emphasized, from his arm before transforming. Ranori notices it immediately now that he’s mentioned it, but before getting too far into it he notices the “shadow guy” from before. Alice ignores his attempt to abruptly change the plot, and continues to marvel at Kyo’s powers. Her awe seems to snap Mike awake to the fact that Kyo has way too many powers (doesn’t everyone?), and tells him to stop making up powers, because it’s godmodding. Mike just loves bossing people around.

Valtor: Way to tell him that, and meanwhile totally ignore Alice and Luna in their own power-snatching.

Kenta: The number of powers you possess is significant, yes, but you can’t just ignore all the other stuff about godmodding. Like, oh I dunno . . . controlling others’ characters (wrapping people in steel cocoons without even once giving them a chance to retaliate), already being an expert at powers when you’re not even a quarter of the way through your life yet (Mike is an expert at his powers), wielding certain forbidden powers (like invincibility, omniscience, and instant teleportation), using your powers to the max (shaping freakin’ TUNGSTEN into gloves), etc.

Valtor: If every godmod were to be booted out of this RPG, Catherine would be the only person left standing.

Ranori keeps chasing after the shadowy figure, but he keeps getting away. Kyo acknowledges Mike’s request and gets rid of his alchemy powers, leaving telekinesis, hawk transformation + the ability of flight, and wolf transformation + the ability of speed and instant natural weapons. Yeah, he’s SO much worse off now. He and Ranori try and work together to find the shadowy figure, but still manage to fail. Kyo then notices Luna’s part wolf and chases after her and Catherine. Well, you know how people in this RPG like to stalk each other. Ranori, realizing he’s been ditched, tries on his own to find the shadow guy and wonders if he’s fire-attribute. Meanwhile, Mike also catches up to Catherine’s growing group and tells them that they shouldn’t go after the shadow guy if they know what’s good for him.

Valtor: Why? Is he Mitch-tachi?

Mike seems to know more than the rest of them about this shadow guy, but refuses to let them in on it since he’d rather just hold it over their heads. When Ranori catches up to the group and reports that the spot was burning hot where the shadow figure had disappeared, Mike again tells him to keep his nose out of it. He’s out of their league, and he’s out of Mike’s, so he MUST be dangerous.

Kenta: Wow! Mike was actually willing to admit there’s a guy out there tougher than him!

Valtor: So? We know lots of guys like that. Let’s see . . . Raphael, Satan, Wilhelm, Satan, Death, Satan, Ramirez, Satan, Merlin Durai, Satan, Jaden Niccolo, Satan . . .

Kenta: That’s the sixth time you’ve said Satan.

Valtor: Satan’s scary.

Now that he’s peaked everyone’s interest, Mike has all of his friends wanting to go check out this mysterious evil dude responsible for burning down the school. Mike realizes that they’re not taking him seriously enough, so he says that the reason this guy is so tough is because he’s his (Mike’s) younger brother.

Kenta: Hey! It IS Mitch-tachi! Uh, I mean Itachi. Sorry, I got used to saying Mitch-tachi.

Valtor: But this is the younger brother, not the older one.

Kenta: Do you see any difference otherwise? . . . no-?

Valtor: Seriously, that’s like the biggest rip-off from Naruto ever.

Ranori still wants to go after Mike’s version of Itachi, so Mike angrily grabs him by the neck with his tungsten gloves and chokes him half to death before telling him to drop it, and letting him go. While Ranori SHOULD have punched Mike’s teeth out for being such a giant prick, he decides to just leave the issue be. Everyone scatters for a while, then Terry takes a turn in the spotlight. He’s at home sleeping when he hears a scream from the school (man, that must’ve been a loud scream), and bolts right over to see what’s going on. In the meantime, Mike’s walking down the street wondering about his brother and loudly informing everyone of his prowess yet again. Apparently Mike’s been all around the world trying to get away from this guy, and the Itachi-figure somehow still managed to find him again in Tokyo. Mike states that Itachi-brother has the ability to kill his friends, AND worse. Because apparently there’s something worse than dying.

Valtor: Yeah, dying and going to Hell.

Kenta: I don’t think he had that in mind.

Valtor: What could possibly be worse than that?

*Kenta thinks for a moment*


QUOTE(Kenta147 @ Feb 16 2007, 04:43 AM) [snapback]871583[/snapback]
Caretaker: All right, maggots, the only way you’ll ever get any stronger is by enduring the toughest torture of your freakin’ lives! So here’s today’s schedule . . . from 6:00-8:55, you’re going to watch nonstop episodes of Barney & Friends! From 9:00 to 11:55, it’s time for the badly-dubbed English version of Slayers! And after lunch comes the greatest torment of all . . . a complete marathon of Poke’Mon Mystery Dungeon, the T.V. series!


*Kenta shudders in horror*

Mike sees Catherine on the street and blushes, his **** teenage boy side instantly overtaking his grim and serious pondering one. In the meantime, Kyo becomes a hawk and flies to the basement of the smoldering school, taking all precautions to keep Mike from noticing him. What he doesn’t expect, however, is for Terry to be randomly in the basement of the school, sleeping there for no reason at all. When Kyo pops in, Terry instantly flings him out the window again and bangs it shut. Still cranky from being woken up, he pulls a sword out of thin air (in all seriousness, he actually says that) and flings shards at everything in sight. Luna, smelling the vivid scent of violence, uses her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once teleportation powers to move to the school and dig through the rubble. Terry notices her presence and unknowingly tosses Kyo-hawk to her as food.

Valtor: Woah! Luna, eat Kyo?!

Kenta: That would be SWEET if that actually happened!

Ranori gets himself caught by a fire-attribute guy, possibly Mike’s Itachi, who burns him and then lets him get away. Meanwhile, Mike himself is having a nightmare controlled by Itachi-brother, where they’re playing in a sandbox when some guy in a lab coat comes and tries to take him away. In response, little Itachi tortures him slowly to death. Luna quickly loses interest in the school and has her shadow-teleport take her to Mike’s house. Not even gonna comment on the unlikelihood of this. Luna asks Mike how she got there, and Mike says “dammit” for about the trillionth time now. What, didn’t you know? Read along with the actual RPG. At this point it’s suddenly the middle of the night in a split second, and they’re in Mike’s kitchen. Rather than impaling Luna with a bunch of kitchen knives in immediate self-defense of a wolf, Mike asks someone named Anthony if they’re usually a wolf at night. Alice runs to Mike’s house (bet he’ll like that) and violates his privacy by teleporting straight inside to where he’s at.

Valtor: What if he’d been taking a crap right about then?!

Kenta: I don’t care if it IS female company, this would’ve still disturbed the hell out of me.

Mike appropriately asks the two of them what the @#$% they’re doing in his house. Luna says she has no idea, and blames it on the voices in her head. Heh, heh, heh. That’s what you get for being vague, Luna. Alice explains that her little sister that she’s never previously mentioned is missing, and she doesn’t know where she could be. So she came to lord of destruction Mike’s house for help, when she could’ve asked someone, anyone, less vicious.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Oh boy, I can hardly contain my excitement. Well, let’s see here . . . her name’s May, she’s sixteen and in eleventh grade (or at least she would be if there was any eleventh grade left), and obviously is Not Normal. Like most everyone else, she’s psychic and has the ability to freeze time itself. That last one right there is most DEFINITELY forbidden godmod power.

May wastes no time in making it apparent she has no idea of what’s going on. She wakes up, heads to her first period class at school, and sits down in there. What she doesn’t realize is that there is no teacher or students in her homeroom, the walls are burnt black, and the smell of burning wood is still pungent in the air. Nobody tells her what’s going on though, not even Catherine. Jasmen blindly makes the exact same error and becomes the only other person to go to “school.” Terry, having nothing to do, wastes a post expressing how bored he is. May STILL has no idea what’s really going on, and pretends that there are actual students and teachers in the ruined wreck of a school.

Valtor: This should have been another place where the RPG died. Nothing’s freaking happening!

Kenta: Au contraire. Luna goes back to the woods for some sleep (don’t ask me why she prefers the cold, hard ground over a bed), but Alice stays over at Mike’s house all night.

Valtor: Get that pervy grin off your face. Nothing happens, you know that. It would’ve been against the rules.

Kyo somehow gets himself into Mike’s garage, where he knocks over a bunch of gardening tools and makes a noisy racket. At the time, Mike’s busy talking to Alice about her kidnapped sister on the couch when he hears the crash, and goes out to investigate. Knowing darn well that it’s Kyo in wolf form, Mike tells the animal in his garage that he’d darn well better be Luna. You know, Luna, the girl who headbutted him earlier when he was out destroying cars and flipping fire trucks. Hooray for illogical favorism. He lifts a hatchet into the air, threatening Kyo with it if it “just so happens” he’s not Luna. Luna herself gets caught in a bunch of steel leg traps in the forest, and she eventually manages to use her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once teleport to get back to Mike’s house, which she’s just left. Luna curls up in the yard as a wolf. Luna’s presence distracts Mike enough to allow Kyo’s escape, although Mike’s the one who controls him to do so. But then-

Kenta: Look, is this plot going anywhere or not?

Valtor: What, should we shorten it a bit?

Kenta: Please do. This is taking forever.

To make a long story shorter, Mike and Alice gang up on Kyo, who had nothing whatsoever to do with kidnapping Alice’s sister. May finally figures out that this Tokyo High School roleplay no longer has anything to do with a high school in Tokyo and runs over to listen in where Mike and Alice are interrogating Kyo. Kyo’s busy trying to tell his tormentors that for some reason he can’t turn from wolf to human now, and it’s about then that the three notice May’s presence. May makes a break for it, and-

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Okay, this guy looks fairly intelligent. His name is Alex, age seventeen and unknown for grade level. Hey, hey, we’ve got some originality here.

Valtor: Wow. Does he really belong in here?

Kenta: Well, he might . . . I sense god-mod-ness here. He’s a wielder of magic. Not M.A.G.I.C. the science, but real actual magic. And he can also make dimensional time rifts, meaning he can jump dimensions at will. Hmm . . .

Valtor: Story.

Terry is once again bored out of his skull and decides to do the only thing in this RPG people like doing more than fighting: stalking other people. In this case, it’s Alex. Catherine quickly leaps in as well, and as soon as introductions have been made, Terry smugly tells Alex that he could kick his ass in five seconds. Alex takes the challenge coolly and responds using quite intelligent words.

Kenta: Woah. This might be the one we’ve been waiting for . . . the guy who’s actually mature enough to use his powers!

Valtor: He reminds me of the Alex we know, only without the chain wrapped around his body.

Meanwhile, May decides to go back and rescue Kyo, and halts time itself to get him. Despite the fact that all four of his paws have been nailed into the ground by now and he’s not going anywhere, she merely rips him out and hauls him away anyway. Then, without even questioning Kyo as to why he was being attacked, she runs home and takes a nap.

Valtor: People sure like doing that in this RPG. When in doubt, run home and take a nap. Gee, that’ll DEFINITELY open up new plot twists.

Back with Alex, Terry’s caveman-like impulses urge him to fight the psychic, which he does with his “flash stepping.” When he stabs Alex with his dagger, Alex pulls it out as calmly as ever and decides Terry gets to see his spell firsthand. First he heals the dagger wound in his chest, then cuts off a chunk of hair and makes a clone of himself. He warns Terry that he doesn’t feel like fighting right now-

Kenta: Wow! Imagine that, a person who DOESN’T want to fight just for the hell of it!

Valtor: For real this time: Alex is my favorite character. Easily.

-and hints that there’ll be time for fighting later on. Luna, who always wants to be up to date with what’s hip, happening, and trendy, has her character “happen” to see everything from the roof of her house, then turns into a wolf and goes up to Catherine, asking her what’s going on. And in case you’re wondering why she needed to be a wolf to do it, don’t ask me, I haven’t got a damn clue. But if you’re wondering how she managed to ask Catherine what’s happening, Luna conveniently happens to be a talking wolf. That’s right, she gave herself yet another power.

Valtor: But because Mike favors girls over guys unconditionally, he won’t say anything.

Kenta: Well, maybe it’s because Luna’s more subtle about it than Kyo was.

Terry, who’s too impatient to wait for a fight, claims to trip Alex and-

Kenta: Okay, here’s something that’s been bugging me for a while. I can’t STAND it when characters make other characters trip, because that’s like the most humiliating thing ever to have happen to you. And the other guy’s also implying that you let your guard down . . . to an immature little ninth grader who can’t take a hint about not wanting to fight.

Valtor: That does suck pretty bad.

Catherine tells Luna that the new guy (his name’s Alex by the way, Catherine, it’s only four letters long and a completely normal name easy to remember) is showing off his skills. She asks him to reveal other spells of his as well, and asks him how old he was when he first began using magic. Meanwhile, Mike’s busy hitting on Alice, playing the role of the supportive big brother while secretly hoping to get closer to the hot French chick.

Valtor: So . . . creepy . . .

Back to Alex, he answers by saying he’s mastered thirty different spells, and does offer to show off a little bit more. Catherine eggs him on, but Luna wants to change the subject and asks Catherine who could’ve set the traps in the forest where she sleeps. Nobody hears her. Alex, in compliance with Catherine’s wishes, shows her his darkness spell, Dark Mist. Put short, it blinds all within its range. May, who’s been in the library for a while, wants to get involved and joins Alex’s growing fan club. Terry, watching from a distance, again hints that he wanted to fight, as if it weren’t already obvious enough. AJ answers his prayers by coming back into the RPG and appearing in front of him. The story switches momentarily to Mike, who brings Alice back to her house for some sleep, then he himself sleeps downstairs on her couch, rather than heading back to his own home.

Kenta: Doesn’t anyone else find this creepy?

Valtor: Maybe it’s good that they’re not implying they know. At least they’re avoiding omniscience.

Terry and AJ go at it again with their most god-moddish battle yet. Terry actually gets covered in bone fragments and steel from the intensity of the battling, and he lands killing techniques right away, yet claims he’s purposefully “holding back.” AJ, on the other hand, summons an entire battalion of fire-attribute mythical beasts to his aid, which DEFINITELY isn’t godmodding. Terry kills his fire golem in one hit, which would have normally only been possible for a high-leveled sage or something, and tells AJ he’s been itching for a sparring partner. Hey, what’s life about, if not injuring everyone you meet? Meanwhile, Luna’s violence senses are tingling, but rather than just walking over about ten feet to where Terry and AJ are duking it out, she just has to show off her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once teleportation powers. She appears next to May and asks her what’s going on. May, rather than freaking out that a giant talking wolf has popped up beside her out of nowhere-

Valtor: Seriously.

Kenta: Screw common sense. Screw it.

Valtor: That’s MY line.

-tells her what’s happening. May predicts that the boy who can control sharp objects (Terry) will win the fight, which is a pretty good prediction considering he’s already won the previous two. Luna, however, bets on the fire person, AJ. You know, the same guy she saw Terry destroy back at the abandoned factory without even breaking a sweat. You’re a @#$%ing genius, Luna. Alex, meanwhile, reveals that he has an alter ego inside of him which likes to kill everyone it meets.

Valtor: The voices! They’re in my head again! Make the bad voices go away!

Kenta: Honestly, just how many people have alter egos?! We’ve got Alex and this voice guy, Picard and Shadow, Yugi and Yami, Sora and Roxas, Dark and Krad, Mary-Sue and Anti-Sue, that girl from earlier on in THS who never stayed, Sakura . . . what the hell’s the DEAL with that?!

Valtor: People like creating alter egos for their characters to fool themselves into thinking they’re important.

Terry snatches away AJ’s fire sword and cuts him with a dagger. Kyo arrives and decides he wants in on the fight, too. Don’t ask me why he’s so eager for injuries and possible death. May, however, spoils it for everyone by freezing time itself and somehow carrying Terry behind one house, AJ behind another, and Kyo behind a third. Alex begins to regret not fighting Terry, and dagger boy himself is busy chasing after May, determined to punish her for butting in on other peoples’ business. She hides herself well, but he still instantly manages to find her anyway and chases her. May freezes the very fabric of time itself yet again, and runs to the abandoned factory where she hides. Again, Terry somehow immediately knows that she’s there, of all places in Tokyo. Not the bar, not the coffee shop, not the Arcade, not somewhere around the destroyed school, not in the mountains, not at her house or anyone else’s, but an abandoned factory. Sheesh. How omniscient can one possibly be?

Valtor: That question makes no sense.

Kenta: Your mom makes no sense.

Valtor: She’s your mom too, numbnuts.

May puts up a psychic shield, something no psychic person in this RPG is ever without, and the whole factory collapses on top of her without harming her, courtesy of Terry. She then tells Terry that he shouldn’t have forced her to fight, because when she gets angry she goes out of control. Wow, never heard that before.

Kenta: I’ll say it again- Rule 17: make sure you mention that your powers increase when you get angry. That way, when you run into a fellow bully with a big ego, you have the perfect excuse to power-up right away. And your friend Violence will be pleased with you.

Valtor: Want to include that your eyes should glow a certain color?

Kenta: Nah, that’s practically a given.

Terry foolishly goes through with fighting someone who can freeze time itself, and May does just that. She halts him so that he can’t defend himself and kicks the crap out of him, before allowing time to start again. Still not learning, Terry continues throwing sharp projectiles at May, thinking he can protect himself even if he can’t move a muscle. AJ attempts to jump in and makes a clone of himself (when did he learn to do that?) to self-destruct on May. She acknowledges AJ’s presence but disregards his attack, and starts calling herself Riu instead of May. Eventually she falls down and gets hurt badly, and what do you say when you get critically wounded? “Ow.” That’s what she says. “Ow.” Alex, not wanting to be left out, uses one of his thirty psychic abilities (levitation) to fly to where the fight’s taking place and observes it.

Kenta: All right, this guy may be cool but he’s still a @#$%ing godmod.

Valtor: He reminds me of someone . . .

Kenta: Yeah, me too. But I can’t put my finger on who.

Terry’s had enough of the three-way fight and summons every single sharp projectile in the factory to himself. He then sends it all in on May and AJ at once, smugly expecting blood. May maturely decides to acknowledge her defeat and passes out from blood loss. Terry takes her home, ditching AJ, but rather than cleaning her up, he just leaves her on her bed to bleed to death. Eh, someone’ll find the corpse eventually. Oh wait, that’s right, everyone’s immortal in this RPG.

Kenta: Great, now Terry’s given himself the ability to create projectiles out of thin air.

Valtor: Actually, I think he gave himself that before, and he’s just admitting to it now. Oh, before I forget, NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Let’s see . . . his name’s Aqua. *Sigh* Don’t smoke marijuana when naming your kids, parents. (A/N: Okay reader, before you crap your pants at seeing Aqua’s first mention, I just wanted to let you know that he doesn’t leap into ultra-godmodding immediately. He puts it off for a little while.) He’s age sixteen, in eleventh grade, and Not Normal, duh. He’s a techno-path, which means he can control technology, whatever the hell that means.

Valtor: Talk about vague.

Kenta: Hey, that’s how you get around having Mike yell at you for possessing too many powers. But I wasn’t finished yet: Aqua also turns into a condor when angry-

Valtor: What’s a condor?

Kenta: A big, ugly bird. We’ll just refer to him as Big Bird when he grows wings, does that help?

Valtor: Ooh, clever. Easy to remember, and fun-poking.

Kenta: Still not done. Aqua’s also somehow able to turn into a wolf when sad, a coyote when annoyed, and a dragon when unconscious.

Valtor: ANOTHER wolf?! This is the third freaking time! No wonder people hate furries!

Kenta: Yeah, well, this guy’s one big emotional wreck. He’s got multiple personalities to go along with multiple transformation forms.

Valtor: Oh god no, not another emo kid . . .

Alex sees the blood, and immediately his other self attempts to take over. He manages to haul himself away before becoming his alter ego, Dark Alex. Luna, who’s also tagged along with the crowd, sees that the action is over and uses her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once teleportation powers to go back to the forest. That’s right, that place where all the steel traps were, last time she was there. Meanwhile, Aqua’s taken a break from school, principal’s permission. Yes, it’s now night out and the school’s still a burned wreck with nobody in it, but screw common sense. He sees the red moon in the sky and becomes a coyote, then starts on a rampant killing spree all over town.

Kenta: What the @#$%?!

Valtor: Just who’s in charge of law and order around here? The Springfield Police Department?

[Kenta.....]

PART VI
Excitement level: Above Average


***

Mike gets woken up by the noise of slaughter and screams out the window of his house for the noise-makers to shut the hell up, because he’s trying to sleep. In his anger he shatters a nearby lamppost into a million pieces. Yeah. That level of metal-controlling strength isn’t godmod at ALL. May, rather than taking off in terror at the sight of a stout metal lamppost’s spontaneous combustion, simply cleans up the mess, with her psychic abilities.

Kenta: Hey everyone, look at me! I’m May, I’m psychic! I just love showing off my psychic abilities every chance I get! Ooooooh, I’ll bet you real people wish you were psychic like me! Psychic, psychic, psychic!

Terry, who conveniently lives nearby Mike’s house, hears the explosion and senses three demonic presences nearby.

Valtor: He wouldn’t have the slightest clue what a demonic presence even is.

Kenta: Stop being so religious.

Valtor: Well where do you think demons came from? One Piece?

Kenta: Aren’t you forgetting something?

Valtor: I don’t think I am.

Kenta: Ogaga’s rejoining the RPG. You were supposed to yell “NEW CHARACTER” five lines ago.

Valtor: Is he really new if he’s already a member? Even if he did get left behind?

Kenta: Point is, a new character’s in! His name’s Axel, age seventeen and WOULD have been in the eleventh grade if there was any eleventh grade left. Predictably enough, he’s Not Normal, with the powers of superhuman speed and the ability to control earth-attribute elements. He’s like me, only slower and an Earth M.A.G.E.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Huh! Marc’s rejoining, he’s that guy with The Voice. Marc’s age fourteen and has the power of going on a dangerous rampage when angry (damn, do you people need therapy.) To be precise, his speed, strength, and accuracy increase. Hulk smash.

Aqua turns the forest into a blazing fire as a dragon, just for the hell of it. Pretty much everyone else, sensing violence nearby, are drawn to the flame like . . . well . . . moths. Bad simile there. Terry starts throwing sand on the fire, believing his miniscule effort will be enough to put it out. May gets her hair scorched by the flame and uses it as an excuse to get angry, and thus, more powerful. Luna comes along in full wolf form and rams “the boy,” whoever “the boy” is. She’s all snarling and angry, meaning more power to her too, and May tries to hide by freezing time itself and climbs into a tree for protection. Marc steals the spotlight for a second by uselessly getting a doughnut in town and being mocked by kids, before telling them they wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

Valtor: Hulk smash!

Kenta: It’s too early to be using that joke again already.

Terry, assuming he’s the one Luna’s attacking, does a really lousy job of defending himself. May gets angry at him for his efforts to stop Luna from killing him, and yells at him to quit it. Luna makes the moon suddenly go down, and reverts back to human form. Terry shrugs and goes home, and eventually so do May and Luna, completely forgetting that the forest is burning down. Meanwhile, Dark Alex has completely smothered Alex and is getting ready to terrorize Tokyo with his powers. As if the citizens need any more trauma. Everyone else heads to school, despite the fact that it’s still a smoldering-

Valtor: Hang on a second.

Kenta: What?

Valtor: We can’t keep acknowledging that the school’s a smoldering ruin anymore. It seems that everyone else thinks it isn’t now.

Kenta: What do you want me to do? Just have it miraculously restored?

Valtor: Well, this story wouldn’t make much sense if all the students and teachers just went to a totally destroyed wreck to gather and recite the alphabet.

Kenta: Since when has this story even once made a lick of sense?

Aqua arrives at the miraculously restored Tokyo High School and takes over Mike’s role as head bully. To be exact, he blows someone through a wall somehow, snarls at a teacher as a wolf, and nearly rips a kid’s arm off. This guy’s a @#$%ing psycho.

Kenta: Okay, what complete chest-slapping RETARD let this nut out of the mental ward?

Valtor: Why hasn’t everyone evacuated the school and called the S.W.A.T. Team?

Terry decides that learning is for losers and goes off to fight Dark Alex in the forest. Aqua omnisciently “senses” that a fight has taken place about ten or fifteen miles away from the school, and leaves his current activity to butt in. He assholishly sends both of them face-first into the ground, the most humiliating of defeats, then doesn’t give them a chance to retaliate as he flies back to the school. He decides to try hitting on May when he gets back, but can’t resist showing off in front of her by ripping the skin off of some random kid’s arm. What an ass. As soon as May sees this, she FINALLY does the logical thing and runs off.

Valtor: Hey, there may be hope for her yet.

But when Aqua follows her and asks her name, she gets into a conversation with him.

Valtor: Never mind.

Mike’s Itachi-brother begins to stalk them, and they omnisciently sense his presence. Aqua, however, greets him and seems to know him. They shoot the breeze for a moment, then Aqua becomes bored again and rips up a couple more nameless nobodies.

Kenta: Did someone kick a flagpole up this kid’s butt or something? WHY is he having temper tantrums all over the place?

Rather than stopping Aqua from ripping innocent kids’ faces off, May waits until he’s had his fun, THEN she freezes time itself and somehow hauls the injured to safety. She tells them to get cleaned up, as if that’ll be the end of it. But of course, it will. Aqua becomes unconscious for no adequately explored reason and begins flying around the school as a dragon. Out of character, he claims to hate fighting.

Kenta: If obvious lies were money, I could have purchased the Internet with that one. Good thing I’ve already got a coupon for one free Internet.

Valtor: Way to kill off half the neighborhood, destroy about ten of your classmates, provocatively butt in on other peoples’ affairs, then say something that ridiculous, Aqua.

May somehow finds Terry, all beaten up from his fight with Dark Alex, and halts time itself yet again before dragging him away. Aqua has Dark Alex come at them again before assholishly blasting him away with fire. Then he goes to his grandfather’s house. Meanwhile, Catherine re-joins the story after having left it for about four or five pages. She goes over to the homicidal maniac’s grandfather’s place (smart move, Cath) and spies on Aqua for a while until some nameless nobody randomly decides on impulse to throw dirt in her face. Happens all the time.

Kenta: How do these people think up such unbelievable explanations?!

Valtor: Screw common sense, Kenta. Screw it.

Dark Alex gets very angry that May interrupted his fun with Terry, but before the plot goes anywhere else, a bunch of OOC posts spam up the page and Burninating_Torchic has to tell the RPG occupants to cut it out. Getting back into the story, Mike and Alice continue to look for Alice’s kidnapped sister, with Mike still hoping to get cozy with the French chick. He uses her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once instant teleportation powers to zap to where everyone is fighting (as usual), and he has Alice freeze everyone on the spot. Which was a power she didn’t originally have.

Valtor: Hey everybody, I’m Mike! Kyo, quit giving yourself more powers! Kyo, you’re godmodding! Kyo, your character is too powerful! Everyone look at Kyo the Godmod over here, and pay no attention to my own ridiculous strength!

Kenta: Point taken, dude. Calm down.

Anyway, Mike has Alice freeze everyone on the spot (controlling their characters without their permission) and flings a sharp metal projectile at Terry, who SHOULD have been able to stop it since he can manipulate all sharp objects. However, Terry maturely takes the hit, acknowledging that he is completely frozen and can’t do anything. Dark Alex, too, freezes up. But he makes it clear that his magical powers are still quite capable of kicking both Mike’s and Alice’s asses if they try anything funny. Mike, being the godmod he is, gives Alice a new power of being aware of anything within a thirty mile radius-

Valtor: How incredibly convenient. And lame.

-and omnisciently senses that Dark Alex is another suspect to the kidnapping of Alice’s sister, never ONCE suspecting his Itachi-brother Anthony . . . who by the way, appears right then. Terry backs out from the fight, knowing he won’t be much help with an injured foot-

Kenta: You know, I think I like Terry as a character. He’s matured quite a lot since his first post here.

But AJ, who’s appeared on the scene, gets ready to fight Mike and Alice, taking Dark Alex’s side. Mike has Alice teleport Dark Alex and himself away, before kicking and stabbing Dark Alex in a guilty-until-proven-innocent set of mind.

Kenta: This guy needs SUCH a spanking.

Valtor: Honestly, Mike, quit being such a frickin’ bully! You make those jail wardens of the terrorist prison camps look like saints.

Catherine, AJ, May, Aqua, and Axel waste a few posts doing a great deal of nothing before we get back to the real action: Mike and Alice versus Dark Alex. In a disappointing conclusion, rather than giving the two bully lovers the beating they so richly deserve, Dark Alex merely tells the truth (“I didn’t do it”) and hopes that they’ll be flexible enough to believe him. The scene switches over to Aqua’s grandparents’ house, where the homicidal maniac is having an actual sane conversation with Catherine. He gives himself the ability to understand cat language (like cats really have a language) and yaks the night away with Catherine until the following morning. Aqua leaves his house and then comes back, noticing two packages have arrived for him. One contains a five-foot-long fire sword, and the other, a jacket which made the sword invisible.

Kenta: Great. Now the maniac has a weapon. The Masamune, no less.

Valtor: One-Winged Angel is still the best song of all time, though.

Meanwhile, Terry’s getting his ass handed to him by some unknown force he can’t even see. But switching to a less exciting plotline, Luna gets bored and decides to visit Catherine at the maniac’s house, using her I-can-be-anywhere-at-once teleportation powers. Aqua gets rightfully angry when he sees a wolf has gotten into his house, and Catherine asks Luna why she’s in her wolf form rather than human form like she SHOULD be, in a civilized living area and all. Luna fails to see how a wolf in some stranger’s house is unusual, and Catherine shrugs it off and goes home. Mike makes sure that Terry is brutalized to an inch from death before coming along, causing his Itachi-brother Anthony to disappear. Why he disappears, nobody knows, Mike clearly stated that Anthony could pound the crap out of him if he wanted to. Alice, meanwhile, has gone out for ice cream when she hears a gunshot. When she goes to investigate, someone knocks her out, and she wakes up later in some sort of dungeon. Mike runs up to Alice, ignoring the last part of her post where she said she’s in a dungeon somewhere, and asks if she’s okay. He then talks down to the re-joined Kenny, telling him HE wasn’t the one who had the honor of being beaten up by Anthony. See, Kenny just rejoined in the hospital. Kenny coolly reminds him that he’s only in the hospital because he, Mike, put him there after previously wrecking his car.

Kenta: Bet Mike felt sorta stupid after hearing that.

Valtor: Oh, his ego wouldn’t allow for that. He just didn’t pursue the issue any further.

Kenny recalls that it was snowing out the last time he had posted in the RPG (Twenty or so pages ago) and remarks on the snowflakes drifting outside the window. Alice brings the story back to the present and decides that her abduction was actually just a vision, adding that, and her ability to function during unconsciousness, to her ever-growing collection of psychic powers. Mike sees that Anthony’s gouged her in the stomach with a dagger, and pulls it out, asking the fainted Alice, who can no longer hear him, whether or not they should get to a hospital.

Valtor: *Slaps head*

Kenta: It’s Mike. Do we really need to say anything more?

Terry has lost his right eye in the battle (ewwwwww!) and lurches away, clutching at his face. Aqua, meanwhile, has caught some guys throwing random objects at a dumpster for no apparent reason, and when he asks them why, he never gets around to having them answer. He walks home with a headache and rams straight into a lamppost, then wakes up three days later in the hospital. The doctor says he’s been wreaking havoc as a dragon during his unconsciousness, and they’ll have to keep him there for three or more weeks.

Kenta: Yeah, that’s what the doctor SAYS. But weeks tend to become months.

Valtor: Who’s paying for all the damage he’s done, by the way?

Kenta: You sure are getting bad at this.

Valtor: Bad at wha . . . ? . . . oh! NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Thank you. Our newest joiner is a girl named Ice (another deep, subtle, and totally original name), age sixteen and in eleventh grade, with the power to *gasp* turn anything to ice! She can also make it snow out. How convenient for the others. It also says that she’s cold (ooh, how very clever) and usually unkind to others. Man, this girl’s already got the rules down for RP success!

Terry returns from the woods after a few days of training, completely transformed and ready to kick ass. If we’re lucky, he may even put Mike or Aqua in his place. He goes into town and for no reason impales everyone on the street-

Kenta: Aw, DAMN it!

Valtor: He’s become one of them! And just when we were starting to root for him . . .

Catherine and Luna take interest in a new girl with blue hair, who responds by threatening to turn them to ice if they don’t quit stalking her. Great, just what this RPG needs: another emo jerk-hole. Back with Terry, he’s continued his slaughtering spree by breaking his dagger into one thousand, count ‘em, one thousand pieces. It’s a bloodbath, and yet nobody who’s still alive has the sense to call the police. May wakes up and sees that her outside world has become decorated white and red with blood and snow. Rather than staying inside and not risking her life, however, she heads right on out into the ice and snow, where it’s freezing cold and there are deadly projectiles everywhere.

Valtor: Genius. Simply genius.

May immediately spots out Terry, who’s the only one on the street laughing insanely rather than screaming, dying, peeing himself in terror, etc. She uses her psychic powers, whoooooo psychic powers, and flings him up against a tree. Terry simply laughs, brushes it off, then kicks her away as if she were one of those annoying little midget-dogs that’s barked one too many times. It’s a pretty close correlation too, since she flies about forty feet before hitting the ground.

Kenta: Heh, heh, heh. Punting May like a midget-dog, forty feet. That’s an amusing image in my mind.

Terry continues on his killing spree, forgetting that he’s just kicked someone who can halt time itself, and May does just that. Then she follows up by flinging a bunch of daggers into his leg, laming him. Terry, however, is not in the mood for taking crap from anyone right now and rams May into a building with a superhuman-speed kick. He mercifully doesn’t kill her (gee, how generous of him) but warns her to keep out of it, or he will. He then disappears, and May foolishly keeps looking for him. Terry’s seen next looking at the carnage from on top of a building. He picks the daggers out of his leg as if they were splinters and grins evilly, wings sprouting from his back and his eyesight turning blood-red. Ice steals the spotlight for a second by laughing at how pitiful normal people are, before seeing Terry come along in his gargoyle form. He takes her by surprise, kicking her for no reason-

Kenta: That’s what ya get for laughing at us normal humans!

-then disappears into hiding like a little sissy. Aqua retakes the story for a moment by making it so that 3+ weeks have magically passed already. He gives himself another twisted ability: the power to transform into weird mutations of any part of his form. Oh-kaaaay. Ice continues looking for Terry, demanding to know what she ever did to him to deserve getting kicked around. She never thinks to look for his tracks in the snow, which would have easily led her to him. Terry stops posting and Ice can’t think of anything else to say, so she just leaves with her friend Jeff.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: This one’s named Rhiann, a girl if you were wondering, age sixteen and in eleventh grade. As with everyone else, she’s Not Normal, she can morph into a raven and has psychic powers. Why does everyone like morphing so much?! Doesn’t that hurt?

Rhiann, having just moved to Tokyo, walks down the street towards school, totally ignoring all the dismembered corpses scattered along the ground. Catherine does the exact same thing, and-

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: They always come in waves . . . alright, we’ve got a guy named Slash (honestly parents, don’t name your children while under the influence), who’s thirteen and in ninth grade. When he GETS MAD, he becomes capable of summoning fire, water, and . . . dragon-? attacks. Once again, Hulk smash.

Slash goes to school, and runs into Catherine. She helps him find his way around and thus becomes late for class herself. Aww, how selfless of her. Ice and her friend Jeff slip into school after being late, not much to report there. Jasmen and Sandra pass notes in class, and Jasmen reveals that she’s actually a princess from the land of Volcania. Whoo, Princess Jasmine. Every little girl’s dream. She also makes a very obvious show of hinting that Kyo perhaps likes her. In the gym, Aqua greets Catherine, and Rhiann observes how unlikely it is that she’ll ever have friends as the new girl.

Valtor: I’m bored again.

Kenta: What, is Violence now your friend too?

Valtor: You know, there are other ways to make an RPG addictive other than violence.

Kenta: . . . like?

Valtor: Riddles. Deep plots. Past drama. Tests of wit. Weird situations like a portal in one of the toilets that leads from the boy’s bathroom to the girl’s- . . . what?

Kenta: . . . Valtor. I had no IDEA you were into such-

Valtor: It was just an EXAMPLE!

Kenta: That was pretty erotic for just an example . . .

Catherine makes clear that the gym coach is mean, and Rhiann is quickly intimidated by him. He strolls around like a drill sergeant, barking out names, and stopping when he notices Rhiann is wearing a raven ring. See, jewelry isn’t allowed in gym class. Rhiann’s backed into a corner here.

Kenta: Hey, real-world accuracy! Who’d have thought it’d be in here, of all places?

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Hm? Hey look, it’s Zelo Creato! I’ve roleplayed with that guy. Wonder what on earth he’s doing in this RPG?

Valtor: Kenta!

Kenta: Oh! Right, character analysis. Incidentally, he says that this RPG’s unique to the others. Why, because it now has fifty-three pages against all the other RPGs’ measly one to eight?

Valtor: Do I have to do it, Kenta?

Kenta: All right, all right, gosh! Freakin’ idiot! This newest guy is named Seth, age sixteen and in eleventh grade. He has powers, of course, all the branches of pyschokinesis to be exact. They allow him to move objects from a distance, attack people, manipulate electricity, manipulate ice, and heal.

Seth uses his powers to float to school-

Kenta: And nobody’ll stop to question that, of course.

-and ever-so-conveniently just happens to have gym class now. He gets paired up with Rhiann in the sparring event, and demolishes her with ease without asking her permission to do so. Catherine notices him and wonders why he doesn’t like to go against girls.

Kenta: Quick fact of life for ya, Catherine: boys in general do not like fighting girls. Men prefer to duel men. It’s a macho thing. *Thinks back to the ever-annoying Radio Disney song, “That’s What Girls Do”* If you want some sort of explanation, please first explain to us why you women insist on poking holes in your head (ear piercing), painting your fingernails and toenails just for the hell of it, and wearing that CRAP you call perfume.

Valtor: Quit being so sexist, Kenta.

Kenta: *Cheerily* Remember kids, violence and sexism are your friends!

Rhiann doesn’t appreciate how Seth easily demolished her without permission, and tells him that straight-out.

Kenta/Valtor: YES! THANK YOU!

Kenta: It’s about damn time! I wish it could’ve been one of the more obnoxious godmods, though . . .

Rhiann makes a very shrewd post of how it turns out she lost to Seth on purpose-

Valtor: That cinches it. She is easily the most qualified roleplayer in THS.

-and goes to sit down with Catherine. Seth shows maturity by apologizing, and then leaves gym to encounter his first generic villains. They are three big seniors who demand his lunch money, and he answers to their extortion threats by defeating all three of them and giving them the flu. Rhiann notes that the next class is drama, and decides to hide in a closet full of alchemy equipment rather than risking making a fool of herself. Ice and Jeff appear in Gym class, and Catherine heads for English. Once class lets out she greets Mike, who’s just come back from a 24-hour trip to Canada. Mike laughs and asks how the city’s been holding up without him.

Valtor: Well, ironically there’s been even more casualties since you left than while you were still here, Mike. Courtesy of Terry and Aqua, our friendly neighborhood serial killers.

Kenta: The streets of Tokyo are painted red with blood and gore. Wasn’t that enough of an answer for you? You couldn’t have missed it, the body count must have been a five-figure number.

Mike greets the principal, who’s happy to see him . . . despite the fact that he’s been one of the biggest bullies and school-ditchers of his generation ever to crawl into the building. The incredibly stupid principal offers him a job, and Mike leaves the office, thanking him. Meanwhile, Catherine’s sitting in class when someone thinks it’s funny to throw a bucket of water on her, turning her into a cat.

Kenta: THIS ISN’T RANMA ½!! YOU’RE NOT @#$%ING SHAMPOO!

The teacher, who’s apparently about as stupid as the principal, doesn’t catch on to what’s happening and tosses cat-therine out the window. Mike, who’s directly outside the building’s window for some reason when it happens, gulps and hopes cat Catherine doesn’t see him. I mean, he’s not the least bit frightened of the fire-controlling AJ, the sinister Dark Alex, or even the dagger-toting maniac, Terry . . . but he’s terrified of a cat. Again, I’d like to bring to your attention that I’m not telling you lies. This stuff really happens in the RPG. Right then, it happens to be lunch time, and Seth heads for Subway. Supposedly there’s a Subway in Tokyo. He’s about to eat on the roof (where all the bird poop is) when he notices a cat lurking around the school. Rather than just shrugging it off as a normal alley cat and getting into his delicious sub sandwich, Seth somehow finds out that the cat is Catherine, and goes to pick her up. Mike, who dearly loves pushing people around, warns him to let go of the cat, now.

Valtor: Are you just gonna take that, Seth?

Kenta: Come on, kick him in the nuts!

Seth seems to be thrown offline for the night, so Mike just decides to take Catherine back from him and tells him to beat it. What an ass. Well, at least he didn’t kick the crap out of him this time, like he does to so many other people. Mike tells Catherine she should sleep somewhere, ending the post there. Meanwhile, Terry has woken up from sleep and checks the time, and a month has somehow magically gone by. Back with Rhiann, she wakes up from HER sleep and checks the time: 13:00, lunch time.

Valtor: Thirteen o’clock?

Kenta: Thirteen o’clock.

Catherine is forced to pass the cafeteria despite her hunger, and heads to the nurse’s office for some sleep. Mike feels he has to play bodyguard for her, and makes sure that nobody disturbs her. Because you never know . . . remember, these schoolkids carry bags of sand around in their pockets on a regular basis. Rhiann follows them (because you know how people love to stalk each other in this RPG) but clumsily makes a noise. Mike, therefore, has an excuse for turning around and spotting her, other than omniscience. He calls her a boy and tells her not to mess with the cat-

Valtor: I’ll bet his response would’ve been different if he’d known Rhiann was a girl.

-and twenty minutes later, Catherine wakes up human. She asks Rhiann what she’s doing here (which is a fair question, what IS she doing here?) and hopes to herself that of the nine hundred or so children in this school who know her “secret,” Rhiann won’t become another one of them. The story switches to Terry, who’s lying on the roof and pretending to nap when two emo kids come along to loom over him.

Kenta: Which are . . . Aqua and who else?

AJ happens to be one of the kids on the roof, but he doesn’t feel like fighting Terry right then so he just tries to keep from being noticed. Terry, however, notices something familiar flying in the sky (does he think it’s AJ?), and in one giant leap, he brings the guy down. AJ, undaunted by this, asks Terry for some money since he’s broke and needs to eat. Rather than killing him for his impudence or something, Terry actually does give him a couple bills. By the time AJ’s bought himself some ramen, Terry too late realizes that was his only lunch money. AJ feels sorry for him, however, and gives him the five yen that he received as change. Wow. That’ll get him a decent meal.

Kenta: The plot’s dying again.

Meanwhile, Rhiann addresses Mike, pointing out that he called her a boy. Wrong-o . . . and she further tells him that she was by no means “messing with the cat,” merely curious.

Kenta: Eat THAT Mike, you self-righteous, bossy person! Geez, I’m getting way too excited over this.

Valtor: I LOVE this girl! Where was she fifty pages ago?

Mike hastily introduces himself, and again warns Rhiann to stay out of the cat’s way since he loves threatening people. Just then, Alice comes into the building and greets Mike with an enthusiastic hug-

Kenta: *Hurk!*

Valtor: Gross, Kenta!

-before being greeted herself by Catherine. They’re all “Oh my god, oh my god!” like squealing chicks on reality T.V. shows, before Mike offers that they go somewhere to eat. A date with two girls, uh-huh, he’d sure like that. But before they go, Alice spots someone at the end of the hall glaring at them, holding a knife in one hand. Surprisingly it’s not dagger boy, but a really lousy assassin. The trio work together to bring down the generic villain, when just one of them could have easily done the job. They then pat each other on the back for having defeated a guy that doesn’t exist, and go out to a restaurant after school to eat. AJ has a part-time job there, and Mike notices how familiar he is. Terry, too, ever-so-coincidentally happens to pick that restaurant for his eating place, and has AJ come up to him to take his order before getting scared and running back to the kitchen again. Catherine sees the homicidal maniac/Terry and tries to shoot the breeze with him. Her efforts are rewarded with a knife to her neck and a warning for her to quit calling him “dagger boy.” It’s rude. He then leaves after having lunch, and Luna enters. Mike egotistically remarks that Terry’s lucky he decided to go, and that he’d better not cross his path again. Because Mike fancies himself as threatening.

Valtor: Remind me: why does this kid have friends again?

Kenta: Lack of people to choose from. Aqua’s as much a crazed killer as Terry. Rhiann and Seth are new to the RPG, so &#$% them. And the same story more or less holds true for everyone else.

Luna sits down at the table, and Mike continues boasting about the things he would’ve done to dagger boy if he’d dared stayed, disrespectfully still calling him “dagger boy” after Terry clearly communicated that he preferred his real name. He and Luna continue on like that for a few more posts, ignoring Catherine’s three-line-minimum rule each time, until Terry decides that he’s taken enough of Mike’s talking crap on him and reveals himself in the seat beside the table. According to Terry, Mike flings a chair at him, but he ducks it effortlessly. Mike gets angry that Terry’s controlling his character-

Kenta: Right, because Mike’s definitely never controlled anyone’s character.

Valtor: I think you’ve finally found someone you can get more pissed off at than Genevieve.

-and then hypocritically takes control of Terry’s character, freezing him (through Alice) for ten minutes. During that time, he finishes his meal, then herds his group of females out the door. For the record, there is no mention of any bills getting paid. Luna asks Catherine what Terry wanted . . . in wolf form, and telepathically. You know. Just to show off. Mike answers for Catherine through Alice, saying that Terry was just bullying her before the two of them got a chance to bully him.

Valtor: He didn’t word it that way.

Kenta: Do you deny that it’s the truth, though?

Valtor: . . . no.

Alice smugly adds that this is the last time Terry messes with her and Mike, when in fact she has no idea when their next encounter could be. Catherine thanks Mike for the meal he never paid for and breaks away from the rest of the group, heading home. Luna follows her, since people love stalking each other in this RPG, and talks with her on the way home. Meanwhile, Seth has hinted that there are agents after him and all people with super powers, before switching gears to a chase scene. Three cop cars are chasing after a robber, and after some careful planning, Seth decides to interfere with the chase. He punches the robber’s car through the engine, and hopes nothing horribly wrong will happen. For some reason the car still manages to keep going until it reaches Mike and Alice, where Mike instantly stops the car with his all-powerful tungsten-bending metal controlling abilities. He spots Seth with his fist through the hood of one of the cars. A very loud noise and a bad smell issues, and Luna gives herself super-hearing powers to comment even more on it. Unsurprisingly, Mike doesn’t tell LUNA to quit giving herself more powers since she’s a girl, but turns to Alice and worships her for her psychic strength.

Kenta: You people need to f***ing quit giving yourselves more powers. How many times have I said this, now?

Terry leaves the scene of the wreck, uninterested, and goes to a random shop. Mike makes a spam post in the RPG before Catherine asks him nicely not to do it again. Seth, meanwhile, sees that the man in the car is still conscious, and he opens fire on the psychic. But Seth’s powers are apparently so advanced that they can stop bullets themselves in midair, and Seth easily overcomes the dangerous murderer. He then hints that he stole three billion dollars from a research facility and goes home to make himself some spaghetti.

Kenta: This is a different Zelo from the one I used to know.

Valtor: Maybe everyone else is rubbing off on him and corrupting his mind.

Mike once again hints how romantically well he’s kicking it off with Alice, having her want him to walk her to school. Alice, disgustingly, is okay with this, and goes to sleep for the night at her house. She wakes up the next morning to discover that a FRICKIN’ METEOR IS HEADED AT MIKE’S HOUSE.

Kenta: Despite what a good thing this is, I still question the odds of it happening.

Valtor: Screw common sense, Kenta. Screw it. And you know already that Mike’s going to live through this meteor impact, so why bother even getting your hopes up?

Kenta: You’re right . . . I’m just setting myself up for a fall. Oh, and don’t bother yelling NEW CHARACTER for this next guy, ‘cause he’s not staying.

Mike is woken up by Alice’s screaming, and immediately gropes at her, asking her to teleport them away. But Alice foolishly wants to try to stop the meteor, even though it could impact straight into them at any second. She sees that it isn’t a meteor after all, but some guy in armor falling from the sky. Seth intelligently comments that cosmic chances of a meteor event like this are ONE IN 2,000,278,909,092,783,000, but also acknowledges that nobody in this RPG cares about common sense and decides to just go along with it. He goes to save everyone from the meteor, zeroing out gravity and drains all his strength to do so. Mike bossily and hypocritically tells him (since he loves yelling at others so much) to quit being an attention-grabber and stop filling his posts with such major content.

Kenta: Oh no! *Gasp* A sensible plot!

Valtor: Oh no! *Gasp* Someone who takes the time to write a decent-length paragraph!

Nothing worth mentioning happens again until Terry comes across some rouge kids spraying a wall with graffiti. He remorselessly murders one of them with a knife through the head, and lets the other ones run in terror. Luna just happens to ever-so-coincidentally be nearby and sees the whole thing, and decides to spy on Terry. He senses someone else there and warns her not to go calling the police, since the kids he just let run away would NEVER do that. Luna confidently asks why she shouldn’t, and her boldness is rewarded with Terry trapping her in a cage of spikes, away from any shadows so she can’t teleport. Meanwhile, Mike and Alice have conveniently been captured together, in the darkness somewhere. Mike hints that Alice’s powers have grown to a new peak he’s never felt before. Yeah, that’s definitely what they need: more power. Back at Luna’s fight, Luna smirks egotistically at Terry-

Kenta: “I laugh in the face of danger, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Valtor: You DON’T smirk at a guy with a dagger who’s just killed thousands of civilians the previous day.

-and uses the shadow of the spikes (which is WAY too narrow for a wolf to ever fit in) to teleport away to the roof of a building. That’s right, the roof: the highest possible place you can go in an urban setting, where there are guaranteed to be no shadows. She runs to find Mike, even though he never seems to stay still and she currently has no clue where he could be. Terry is omnisciently able to find her instantly and has a circle of daggers surround her and impale her all at once. Luna ignores the fact that she’s ALREADY been stabbed and claims to have dodged about a hundred daggers (at least) before running to the forest and collapsing, out of breath. Once again, Luna’s demonstrated her power of invincibility. The next person to post is Mike, and what do you think he does?

Kenta: He minds his own business and doesn’t yell at anyone.

Valtor: He gives Terry a break for once but yells at Luna for being invincible.

WRONG! He tells Terry that he can’t just win like he did. Notice that Terry didn’t actually win at all. And he doesn’t discipline Luna for doing a completely unrealistic hundred-dagger-dodge, because she’s a girl.

Kenta: Remember kids, sexism is your friend. Oh, and feel free to be sexist against your own sex.

Valtor: Did we fool any of you?

[Kenta.....]

Part VII
Excitement level: Excellent


***

Mike and Alice are still in an undisclosed location, and Mike’s having Alice rise to Super Saiyan 4 level or something. As it turns out, her “kidnapped” sister seems to actually be the new villain or something. Details are never specified because Mike ends the post right there and we don’t see these guys again for a while. Catherine takes over the story, exiting her house the way all people do- through the window. She runs into Terry and tries to hide, entering the forest and catching sight of Luna. Rather than asking “what’s up” or something normal, she immediately seems to know to ask her if she’s all right. Terry approaches them from behind, having omnisciently found them again, and pulls out a gouging pole to shish-kebab them with.

Kenta: This wouldn’t have happened if you’d just minded your own business and not spied on Terry, Luna.

Valtor: Let’s see them worm their way out of this one.

Kenta: Dude, Luna has instant teleportation anywhere she wants, remember? She could get away at any time. Honestly, this completely destroys any interest this situation would otherwise offer.

Valtor: Well, not quite. Catherine doesn’t have the I-can-be-anywhere-at-once power.

Kenta: Man, Catherine’s been good about avoiding power gluttony. I respect that.

Meanwhile, Seiro-

Kenta: What-? Wait, who’s Seiro?

Valtor: No idea. But I think it’s Seth.

Kenta: Why’d Seth change his name?

Valtor: Do you really expect me to know the answer to that?

Kenta: Well, as long as we’re changing our names here, can I be called Handbanana?

Valtor: Uh . . . okay. I wanna be called Spaghetti.

“Seiro” does what everyone in this RPG loves to do, and stalks after Terry and Luna without regard for the danger. He climbs a tree and looks down at the goings-on from his high vantage point, smart enough to not get involved. Luna calls the forest her turf and has her eyes glow red, which signals that her power level has gone up. Terry appropriately laughs at Luna’s ridiculous claim and prepares to skewer her. But when Catherine pleads for him to leave them alone, he decides it’d be no fun killing them after all and leaves. Somehow the moon is fully red again (it’s nighttime by the way, for anyone who didn’t know), and the wolf in Luna is taking her over. She tells Catherine to keep away from her, because she’s dangerous now.

Valtor: Problem: Choosing to turn into a wolf during the red moon makes Luna dangerous. Solution: Luna abstains from turning into a wolf. Is it hard to figure out?

Kenta: Apparently it is.

After witnessing such traumatic events, what does Seth do? He goes home and makes himself some coffee, and reads his favorite book.

Valtor: His name isn’t Seth anymore.

Kenta: Who cares, we’re calling him Seth anyway. Oh, and by the way, it’s almost summer.

Valtor: WHAT?! But it was early fall only a few days ago when this story started! We didn’t even get a chance at winter and spring!

Kenta: Whatever happened to your “screw common sense” response method?

Valtor: Oh! Right. That never fails to make everything okay again.

Okay, okay, Seth also further reveals the plot he’s cooked up. A bunch of Hawaiian scientists want to make a bunch of super-soldiers, start a war, and then sell their super mercenaries to whoever’s willing to pay the most for them. They’ve probably never stopped to consider the idea that the soldiers might turn on them and kick THEIR asses instead, but hey, it’s far more sensible than mindless slaughter with no motive. Back with Catherine, she’s still wondering why Terry wants to kill Luna, who’s previously threatened to blab on him to the police. Terry himself is busy wiping graffiti off the wall, as if to remind everyone that he does still have a good side. Luna’s busy trying to harness her untamed wolf side, and in the process she’s knocked over SIX LARGE TREES.

Kenta: Hey Valtor, have you seen a wolf knock over any trees lately?

Valtor: No. That’s a physical impossibility. But the “screw common sense” rule is currently in effect, so what’s the problem?

Kenta: Nothing really, I just wanted to add this on to the list of godmod stuff Luna has done, and will never be yelled at by Mike for.

Valtor: *Sigh*

After going through her impossible-strength rampage, Luna calms down a bit. Rather than collapsing from exhaustion, however, she decides to celebrate by taking a walk around town in the middle of the night. Ice does the same, and freezes whatever she feels like along the way, just because she can. Seth finds a sign taped to the school, stating that there’ll be no finals after all, because nobody wants to go through with them this year, faculty and all. Well, this obviously completely realistic event just goes to show how professional schools are in Tokyo. Terry marvels at the fact that everyone has now contributed 1200 posts-

Valtor: -98% space-wasting content . . .

-to the RPG, and comments on the snowfall that’s occurred two days before summer vacation’s start.

Kenta: I still can’t believe how anxious these people were to join a school life RPG, just to leap straight into summer vacation. That kinda defeats the purpose.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: It’s not a new character, it’s still Aqua. The only difference is that he’s changed his powers. Now he can apparently control technology as a techno-path, can turn into a condor/Big Bird, dragon, coyote, or wolf any time at all, has a pet metal dragon, has created a metal samurai, and can travel at Mach 12.

Valtor: Mike’s going to have a conniption when he gets an eyeful of this.

Kenta: I’m starting to think that God Mod skipped Zach Bell and headed directly from Hoenn Insane into Tokyo High School.

(A/N: Brace yourselves, everyone. Darth Aqua is in the house.)

Aqua lands outside of Catherine’s house, and anxiously tries to show off some of his twelve billion powers by transforming into a dragon right in front of her, and at the same time, offering her a ride to the book store on his pet metal dragon. Catherine reminds him that it’s MIDNIGHT, but still gets on anyway despite the strong possibility that it could be utter suicide.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Not one that’s staying. Like we really need any more of them, anyway.

Sandra is sleeping over at Jasmen’s house, listening to her friend weep and wail over her vaguely brought-up parents. She goes to make Jasmen something so she’ll feel better, then screams when she sees someone else in the house.

Kenta: It’s probably just Alice or Luna. They seem to like trespassing into other peoples’ houses without permission.

Terry’s attracted by the scream. But as he heads towards it, he runs slapbang into Seth. Heroically/suicidally, Seth challenges Terry to a fight for slaughtering innocent civilians for fun and threatening others. His body crackles with electricity, and he fires a concentrated beam at Terry.

Valtor: Just like you, Kenta!

Kenta: Minus the beam. And despite how much I appreciate this kid standing up to a bully (even if it is suicide), I’d still rather have seen him fight Mike or Aqua.

Terry dodges electricity itself, the only power in the universe close to matching the speed of light, and kicks Seth into a wall. Luna, sensing violence, is immediately drawn to the fight, looking for trouble. Terry leaps to the roof, preparing to slay his two enemies from above, but then something completely unexpected happens. His cell phone goes off, messing up his attack and throwing him flat on his face.

Valtor: Now THAT was funny.

Kenta: See, this is why I can’t stay mad at this guy long, like I can Aqua and Mike. For a psycho, he’s actually sorta likeable.

Valtor: Just like Kor!

Kenta: Yep. Just like Kor.

Luna backs away, unsure of how to react at the strange turn of events. Terry gets up, dazed, only to get stricken by a bolt of lightning, presumably from Seth. Catherine and Luna foolishly run up to him and ask if he’s okay, Catherine having already forgotten about Aqua.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Let’s see . . . hey, this guy’s actually pretty intriguing. His name’s Harry, age fourteen and in ninth grade, and he’s capable of imitating anyone’s voice. All RIGHT! Finally, powers that can create actual interesting situations, and aren’t totally god-moddish! I like this kid already.

Valtor: Hey, I want that power too. Let’s see uh . . . hello America! It’s me, President Bush, your incompetent fearless leader! Nook-yoo-ler, pretzels, terrorism!

Kenta: That’s not how you imitate Dubya . . . you have to BE him! Ahem: A low voter turnout is an indication that fewer people are going to the polls. If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure! I have made good judgments in the past . . . I have made good judgments in the future. It isn’t the pollution that’s harming our environment, it is the impurities in our water and air that are doing it! The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. I know the human being and fish can coex-

Valtor: All right, all right, enough Bushisms.

Aqua feels a strong evil force from somewhere, and flies to his father’s house to bum some katanas (Japanese swords) off of him. He’s already got the Masamune, but apparently because it’s invisible, he’s forgotten that it’s on his back. Meanwhile, Denereos-

Kenta: Hold on just a second . . . who the @#$% is Denereos? Valtor, did you forget to introduce someone?

Valtor: No. He just decided that writing a joining profile was beneath him and leaped right into the RPG. Of course, it doesn’t really matter since nobody acknowledges him.

Seth gives Terry one heck of an asswhoopin’, and Terry acknowledges that Seth has actually done damage to him. For you RPers out there who think you know how to fight, but you really don’t, that’s called courtesy. Terry bluffs that he’s okay, and painfully continues. Luna yells at Seth to quit it, and Terry more or less tells her to shut the hell up and go home, since this is absolutely none of her business. The plot switches briefly to Harry, who’s gone ahead and made it the first day of school all over again without realizing summer vacation’s started. Harry comes downstairs from his room just in time to see three goons knock out his mother and prepare to kidnap her. What a way to start the day.

Kenta: Sucks to be him.

Aqua obnoxiously butts into Terry and Seth’s fight, using all kinds of weapons, all sorts of animal forms, and all different forms of speed . . . just to steal one of Terry’s many daggers away from him. Luna continues her useless lecturing, quote: “just stop fighting already and maybe this fight will stop!” Wow. Sounds like something Dubya would say. Stop fighting, and maybe the fighting will stop. Amazingly, upon losing his dagger, Terry merely curses and disintegrates into thin air, grudgingly acknowledging the ridiculous actions of his roleplaying mate and bowing out gracefully. Aqua decides that turning into a big, powerful fire-breathing dragon with another metal dragon for his pet STILL isn’t good enough for him, and gives himself more powers. To be exact, he has dear old auntie make him some armor so that he’ll be super-fast, super-strong, and now, super-tough. Oh, and it also has three freeze-rays and another unnecessary flamethrower contraption.

Valtor: Dude, Mike is going to blow a freaking blood vessel when he sees this.

Kenta: How’s Aqua supposed to move with all that extra crap weighing down on him now? With a dragon-sized wheelchair?

Harry continues with his own separate plotline, interrogating the three men who knocked out his mother. Although it’s probably classified information, they’re happy to hang around and tell a kid they’ve never even met before that she was once part of a robbery organization named “Hypha,” and that his mom was one of the best members. Gee, that would definitely explain how she managed to get herself knocked clean out in one second’s time by these three nameless goons.

Valtor: I have a feeling this isn’t gonna be going anywhere fast . . .

Aqua mercifully decides not to pick on Terry since he’s not fighting anymore, and instead goes after another “evil,” which happens to be his cousin. In Big Bird form. Aqua shoots his evil Big Bird cousin with freeze ray and hauls him to his dad’s house, telling him he’s found out where the “evil” energy is coming from.

Kenta: I shall now pretend to be Aqua’s dad. “What the @#$%?! **** it, how am I going to explain this to my brother? ‘Hey Howard, sorry to bother you, but your boy is inexplicably evil and my son just shot him with a freeze ray and dragged him to my house.’ How’s he supposed to take that sort of news?!”

Valtor: He’d probably pick up a rifle and blow Aqua’s head off for that.

Seth goes back to his house to do some stargazing, and catches sight of a helicopter. He sees that it’s those guys from the lab who were after him, probably drawn to Tokyo after all the rampage caused by the brats- er, students of Tokyo High School. It’s taken Seth three years to throw these guys off his trail, and now they’re back again. But rather than doing the logical thing and getting the hell out of there, he decides to just hang around town and see where this is going. Terry also sees the helicopter flying, and thinks it’s strange that they come out at this time of night. He follows it to the landing pad, not mentioning any barbed-wire fences along the way, and sees the scientists hauling out a crate. An android pops out, made of titanium.

Kenta: Now THAT’s a reliable metal. Both tough and lightweight. Pretty much puts tungsten to shame.

Luna magically turns back time a couple of minutes and sees the helicopter overhead, and she too decides to take interest in it. Aqua keeps Luna’s time in play and assholishly ruins Seth’s plot by bringing down the helicopter, despite the possibility that it might not be a dangerous vehicle at all. What’s his explanation? He somehow omnisciently knows that the helicopter contains mutant-catchers, and also that Tokyo is 75% mutant population.

Valtor: Heh, that’s what you said, Kenta.

Kenta: The difference is that I was being sarcastic. Aqua actually believes it, though. Well, when he grows up and travels the world, I hope he won’t be too disappointed when he goes to Japan and doesn’t see any elephant men or people with three arms and five eyes, or whatever else he was hoping for.

Catherine humors Aqua by acknowledging one of his twelve billion powers, and asks him what he wants to talk about. It turns out that Aqua wants her help bringing down thirty-five, that’s right folks, THIRTY-FIVE assassination organizations after him. How’s that for ego-stroking? And Catherine, being the only character in the RPG who doesn’t have any powers or knowledge for fighting, is obviously the perfect candidate for the job. Great pick, Aqua.

Valtor: Seriously, out of all the god-moddish and overly-powerful people in this RPG he could have chosen, why the crap did he pick Catherine?

Kenta: Here’s why.

Aqua, similarly to Mike, is also a **** teenage boy desperate for a girlfriend. So he asks Catherine straight out if she’ll be with him.

Valtor: Oh, not AGAIN!

Kenta: Freud was right. Humans are pretty much run by their violence and sex drives.

Catherine can’t make herself say no, so probably out of pity for Aqua she agrees. Aqua takes her to the library, where he plans on becoming an electric dragon (a power he didn’t previously have) and hacking into the organizations’ elite computer systems. Hooray for cyber terrorism. But before he goes, he asks Catherine if he can kiss her.

Kenta: *Barfing all over the story* Bleaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhh!

Valtor: Ewwwwww!

Unfortunately for Kenta, right about that time Mike gets comfy with Alice, and at almost the same time Catherine and Aqua DO kiss.

Kenta: BLEAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Valtor: *Covers eyes*

Afterwards, Aqua and Catherine do some research on how to get into the computer system, and though such blueprint books that they’re looking in really ought to be in a restricted government library, they’re right there. Aqua then invites Catherine to come with him so he can show off in front of her by “taking them all out.” He rambles on and on about how his family’s been the guardian of Tokyo for fifteen hundred years, and he’s the only one who can still turn into a dragon (ego stroking), which he inherited from his great grandfather, and blah, blah, blah . . . and finally he asks if he talks too much.

Kenta: Do the words “duct tape” mean anything to you?

Valtor: If not, how about “do not open until x-mas”?

Mike and Alice come to the library to do some research (on what, we’ll never know), and Aqua sees them coming in. He uses his psychic powers to turn off the computer-

Kenta: Hey, wait a minute . . . he doesn’t have psychic powers.

Valtor: He doesn’t? I lost track after the sixth or seventh psychic person who joined the RPG.

Kenta: Nope. His powers include the ability to control technology as a techno-path, he can turn into a condor/Big Bird, dragon, coyote, or wolf any time at all, he has a pet metal dragon, has a created a metal samurai, and can travel at Mach 12. Nothing in here about being psychic.

Valtor: Doesn’t the techno-path thing make him able to control a computer?

Kenta: Oh! Maybe your right. Well, in that case, it allows him to do pretty much whatever the hell he wants. Observe.

Aqua conjures an invisibility shield around himself and Catherine, since he can do that as a techno-path. In a nutshell, this means that the overlapping power “techno-path” can be split into just about anything you want it to be: the ability to shoot laser beams, fly, turn invisible, make computer replicas of yourself, teleport, and yadda yadda yadda . . . because they’re all technology. How’s THAT for godmodding? Anyway, Luna happens to be unnaturally interested in the crashed helicopter and eventually uses it as an excuse to head to the library, the hip, happening, and trendy place to be right now. And what a coincidence, she runs into Alice and Mike there. Aqua tells Catherine that they’re going to fly to wherever they’re going, and they’ll be pausing only at towers so high that not even airplanes can reach those heights. He says they’re doing it because Catherine won’t be able to breathe up there due to thin air.

Valtor: So . . . refresh my memory, WHY is he endangering Catherine’s life like that?

Kenta: Because he doesn’t think things through. He just does them, knowing that everything will turn out all right.

Terry talks to himself too loudly while still in enemy territory, and a couple of guards spot him. Meanwhile, Mike ignores Aqua’s wish to be hidden and has Alice use her omniscience power: aka, the ability to sense anyone within a thirty mile radius. In doing so, the two of them see Catherine through Aqua’s shield. Catherine shrugs it off, and she and Aqua go over to their enemies. Aqua yells at Terry for ignoring the fact that he’s frozen their helicopter.

Kenta: Correction, Aqua: That helicopter DID land, and Terry was advancing the plot as it was supposed to go.

Valtor: Then YOU went and magically turned back time a couple of minutes, so you could do your little hero act of freezing the helicopter.

Aqua flies at mach 10 to the library back from the enemy base or wherever (it’s hard to tell), and if you have the slightest inkling of what mach 10 is, you’ll know that he should have burned up in the atmosphere already. He wastes a post showing off to his friends, first by bragging that nobody is faster than him-

Kenta: Except for me, The Flash, Sonic the Hedgehog, Aoshi the Manslayer, Ramirez, Alucard, and a long list of other people that I could think off the top of my head.

-and then by trying to impress them. He transforms into a coyote. Then he runs around in circles at mach 12, making a tornado. Again I stress, this should have sublimated his body in a millisecond. Then Aqua turns into Big Bird and pulls the tornado up into the clouds. Then he turns into a dragon. Then he freezes the tornado . . . and seems to be temporarily satisfied with that last ridiculous claim.

Valtor: Why hasn’t Mike hammered this child yet?

Kenta: Probably because he became too exasperated by Aqua’s relentless bragging to finish reading his post.

Luna and Ashley start fighting each other for something petty, and Aqua obnoxiously butts in, separating them with his tail . . . and then an invisible barrier.

Kenta: Dude, you have NO RIGHT to do that.

Then he gets back to talking about his favorite subject, which is himself, by saying he doesn’t really have many super-powers . . . besides being able to fly, transform into four or five different creatures at will, move at impossible speeds, put up impenetrable barriers, become invisible, summon creatures to do his bidding-

Valtor: All right, all right, I get the point.

Yeah . . . point is, “not many” powers means “not quite every one under the sun.” Anyway, Aqua spots a helicopter in the sky, and omnisciently knows right away that it belongs to one of the thirty-five organizations after him. He flies up into the air and tells the pilot not to come any closer. Over the extremely loud roar of the rotating chopper blades, the pilot somehow hears him anyway, and wastes time with words asking why he should comply.

Valtor: See, this is why Aqua’s survived so long against his enemies . . . they’re all a bunch of Jessies, Jameses, and Meowths. In other words, complete retards.

In response, Aqua burns the helicopter with his fire-elemental flamethrower powers and thows it into a random volcano. Well, might as well add super strength to his traits. Terry makes an OOC post stating that he doesn’t know what’s going on, which will never be a stupid question to ask in this RPG considering there’s no plot to go by. Aqua, deciding he wants to be the new Mike, yells at Terry for spamming this spammed-up RPG, before stating that only he can remove the invisible walls he sets up. Well, might as well add invincibility to his traits. Following this, Aqua throws his second helicopter in two minutes into another random volcano.

Kenta: I wonder . . . d’ you think God Mod’s new Chosen One will go three for three?

Valtor: Let’s find out.

Amy’s out looking for Catherine, and Aqua gives himself super hearing as yet another power, in order to overhear her calling Catherine’s name. He then brings Amy to Catherine and asks her if she’d like to watch him show off again.

Kenta: Will someone PLEASE sew his mouth shut already?

Jasmen and her friend Sandra are determined to find out who’s hiding in her house, and they indeed find a vaguely-established enemy of implied importance. As the two of them are about to go Final Fantasy on this nameless nobody’s ***, Aqua ONCE AGAIN butts in by having his mother hear them (she has super hearing, duh) and burst into the house, omnisciently knowing right away that there’s danger.

Valtor: Hey, do a brief search Kenta . . . how many times have we now used the word “omniscient”?

Kenta: Let’s see, uh . . . counting the one you just said, sixteen. And while we’re at it, the word “coincidentally” or “coincidence,” has been used ten times, “stalk,” sixteen times, “no reason,” fourteen times, “violence,” twenty-one times, “ego,” twenty-four times, “somehow,” twenty-five times, and “random,” thirty-five times. I can do more searches if you want.

Valtor: Nah, that’s okay.

Mrs. Aqua, despite being an overly-powerful unofficial guardian of Tokyo, apparently has to call the other three “guardians” to her in order to fight Jasmen’s nameless villain. Then, as if four “guardians” wasn’t already enough, Mr. Aqua warns them that he’ll set his son on Nameless Villain if he wants a real fight. More ego stroking for Aqua. Yep, there’s that word “ego” again. Some kid named Ben interrupts the RPG for a second, then the plot shifts to Seth, who’s reading the paper. He sees that Aqua’s made the front page (how’s that for humoring him?) and decides to go out and arm himself. He finds a crashed helicopter and steals some weapons and ammo from the unconscious pilots.

Valtor: They WERE armed??

Kenta: Yes, but you have to remember: these guys are stupid. Instead of just hiring a sniper to level with Aqua’s head and go BOOM!, they always insist on directly confronting him. But hey, when one helicopter fails to get the job done, just send in another one. It’s obviously perfectly sane to do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results each time.

Terry’s bored out of his skull, moaning that everyone’s having fun except him. A dog barking outside pisses him off even more, and he finally kills it to calm himself down. THAT sure shuts it up good. Back with Mr. Popular Aqua, five more helicopters have come after him, and he instantly shuts them all down at once and flings them into a random volcano, tossing them into the hellish heat like the god he apparently is. Screw three for three, he goes seven for seven. He then rambles on about going to the organizations’ main buildings and melting them down, destroying dozens more helicopters, and blah, blah, blah, he’s soooooooooooo tough, he’s sooooooooooo wanted, etc.

Kenta: Is anything worth reading about coming along anytime soon?

Back with Jasmen and Sandra, they escape when Jasmen gives herself the power to make a fire cloud which floats. Sorta like Goku’s, I’m guessing. Her nameless villain tries to pursue them but can’t keep up. Jasmen then claims she isn’t feeling good and passes out. Aqua, sensing another chance to play hero, has his family members easily catch up to Nameless Nobody Villain and burn him to a crisp, no problamo. Then Aqua’s grandfather immediately finds Jasmen and automatically heals her, since he has the power to automatically heal anything, no matter what it is. Screw Jesus, let’s ask Grandpa Aqua to heal our sicknesses from now on! Aqua himself has made it the next day already, and he’s in school despite the fact that it’s just getting into summer vacation. Another helicopter comes, and Aqua excuses himself from class to go destroy it in as show-off a way as possible.

Valtor: Oh, brother . . .

Kenta: Alright, seriously, somebody needs to track this kid’s house down in real life, and drop his computer out the second-story window. Just so that he won’t be able to keep writing pointless egotistical nonsense like this to the public.

Aqua gives himself permission to, from this point on, skip school whenever he wants and the principal to be perfectly okay with it. Moral lesson learned from this: if your school is run by a stupid principal, take advantage of him like crazy. Then it’s back to crushing helicopters, burning down buildings, and blah, blah, blah, blah . . . ever more ego stroking, in a nutshell. Luna does something intelligent for once and skips school, since it’s dangerous there now that Aqua’s a student. That, or the high probability that she just doesn’t feel like going to school. Besides, she’s lost her powers for this one day. Everyone’s still ignoring the fact that it’s summer vacation, now that nine months have miraculously gone by in a few days’ time. Anyway, Terry’s at home watching television, when he feels a surge of pain through his arm and he begins to mutate. In the meantime, Seth reminds Aqua that it’s SUMMER, and goes through a very boring and eventless day. Catherine wonders how it’s summer already, clearing up any doubts that nobody in this RPG has the smallest inkling of time sense. She decides to skip school, not only because there’s no school to skip anyway, but also because she’s too tired to get out of bed.

Valtor: My respect for Catherine has just gone up a few points.

Kenta: Three cheers for laziness!

Getting back to Aqua, who’s at this point gone completely mad with power, we find out that he’s now capable of summoning an army of three thousand samurai and thirty pet metal dragons, and he himself has the ability to become a death dragon, whatever the hell that is, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Thirty organizations are destroyed within minutes, taunts are given, yadda, yadda, yadda. By now, everyone’s sick of Aqua being stupid and stop paying attention to his posts. And after some random poster tries and fails to get in a foothold on the RPG, Mike comes into the story briefly. Unfortunately, Aqua being stupid seems to have rubbed off on him a little, because he makes a few cars spin out of control just for the hell of it and shoots some rusty nails in random directions, stabbing a few people through the arm, back, leg, head, up the ***, wherever.

Kenta: *Brandishing a nail gun* This actually isn’t all that god-moddish, because I could do the same thing right now, with this little rascal.

Valtor: Watch where you’re pointing that!!

Luna actually gets hurt for once, managing to dodge out of the way of two cars at once, but getting stabbed in the arm by one of the nails. Her sister, Ashley, foolishly stands up on top of one of the cars in plain sight, loudly demanding to know who did that. And you know what, she’d probably do the same if someone were firing a semi-automatic in the vicinity. Back with Catherine, she wakes up from a five hour nap and decides to go around town as a cat, by flinging inexplicably-attained dirt in her face. Aqua’s next to post, stroking his ego a little more in finishing off the rest of those gosh-darn evil organizations after him, before turning into Big Bird and going home for a five minute rest. (A/N: Prepare yourself, reader, you are about to read the most unbearably funny line in the entire RPG.) Then he omnisciently finds Catherine immediately, just as omnisciently knows it’s her even though she’s a cat, and upon landing in front of her, asks-

Kenta: “Hi, did you have a nice ride last night?”

Valtor: URGH! That was worded so WRONG!

(A/N: I will never let Aqua live this one down, folks. And yes, he really said that. Just check halfway down the 65th page of THS. Heh, heh, heh, heh. This, my friends, is Kenta147’s true evil in its purest form.)

Aqua offers to show off in front of Catherine, and she shrugs and says okay, not having anything better to do. So he transforms into his ultimate godmod form, then is greeted by Mike. Overly-powerful bullies, shake hands. Mike flatters himself by considering himself and Alice more worrisome than thirty-five assassin organizations. Ashley demands that he apologize for his recklessness in a bunch of indignant growls, but Mike doesn’t beat her up for it like he would, a male RP fellow. He just says sorry to her, then goes through a self-pitying flashback of his o-so-dramatic life. Some random THS poster makes spam post, and Luna yells at him for doing so, hypocritically making a spam post herself in the process. Seth takes the lead for a moment, thinking over how incredibly foolish Aqua is for endangering Tokyo like he is and pretty much practically inviting any and all anti-powers organizations to come after them.

Kenta/Valtor: YEEEEESSSSSS!! THANK YOU!

Kenta: My respect for this kid has risen past everyone else’s in this RPG, even Rhiann. Whom I think has quit this RPG, now that she’s realized it’s filled with power gluttons.

Catherine hastily says, to the following extent, “wow Aqua, that is powerful all right, and I gotta go now, bye.” It’s almost as if she’d like nothing better than to be away from this ultimate godmod egotist, or something. Gee, I can’t imagine why. Then she runs home as fast as she can and hangs around, feeling miserable. Luna follows-up with the longest post she’s probably ever written in her life, about how HER family is all spectacular as well, and how she’d had family members she’s never known about. She and Ashley go to a super-secret hotel somewhere behind a bunch of waterfalls and up an unnecessarily long flight of stairs, to spend the night while Luna regains her powers. That’s right, they wax and wane, not like Inuyasha or anything, of course. The random poster demands to know what the hell’s going on, and Aqua yells at him to quit spamming. Because after all Aqua’s done, he obviously has the right to be telling anyone that. Completely ignoring Seth’s obvious hints that godmodding = bad, and Catherine’s for that matter, he continues obsessing over himself and stroking his ego, by having a random island aim a cannon at him. Which by the way, he tears apart as if it were toilet paper, then freezes the ENTIRE ISLAND just for fun.

Kenta: Do you think the happy day will ever come when Aqua gets his egotistical *** booted out of this RPG?

Valtor: Of course not. Catherine’s far too tolerant of his sh- . . . uh, crap, to ever allow that.

Catherine makes a post stating how tired she is (hinting boredom of this RPG), and Aqua decides to fly to her house and jump in through the window without her permission. Breaking in, THAT will turn her on. To hammer the coffin nail in further, he goes through her fridge like he owns the place and gets some milk, before asking her if she wants to go for a walk on the beach.

Kenta: Wanna know how I would respond if I were Catherine right now?

Valtor: Kick him in the nuts?

Kenta: I’d kick-! . . . man, am I that predictable?

Mike decides now would be a convenient time to pass by Catherine’s house, and ask them where they’re headed, despite the strong possibility that they could’ve merely been gossiping or playing doctor in Catherine’s room. And now that Aqua’s mentioned the beach, Luna and Ashley somehow are suddenly down at *gasp* the beach! Aqua offers Mike a ride along if he wants to come, one of his other thirty or however many pet dragons he has. Seth also just happens to be on the beach at this point, where he encounters yet another helicopter and shoots it down with a lightning bolt.

Valtor: Man, the helicopter-making company is gonna be SO rich . . .

Kenta: Well, now that Seth’s shot it down, the organization probably knows exactly where it crashed.

Since the crashed helicopter is where everything is hip and happening, Luna and her sister are immediately drawn over to it. Luna makes it clear for the third time or so that she’s without powers for this one day. So if you ever felt like killing her, now would be the optimal time to do it. Back with Aqua, he takes Catherine off to the beach, and during the flight they run into a few more of Aqua’s unbelievably retarded enemy organizations. He remorselessly destroys them, helicopter or plane, and continues on his way, perfectly all right with being a mass-murderer. Oh, and he puts up his invisibility shield during this time, even though he obviously doesn’t need it. Despite that, Luna somehow omnisciently sees the whole thing anyway from her spot on the beach.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: It’s a girl named Riko, age sixteen, in eleventh grade if they were still in school, Not Normal of course. She is a cat girl (how’s that for stereotypical Japanese?), with the weird power of getting angelic wings to come out of her back at night.

Valtor: Oh, that’s just wonderful. Vanity. Are we almost DONE?

Kenta: We’ve still got a few pages to go.

Seth meets up with Aqua, claiming he saw the whole thing. Unlike Luna, however, he has an actual logical explanation for it: echolocation. Savor this, viewers, finding logical explanations in THS is like discovering trace amounts of oxygen in outer space. He puts out a hand to befriend Aqua, probably for the same reason Catherine liked Genevieve: because he’s an emo bullying godmod. Gee, if that’s not a likeable combination, what is? Anyway, Catherine tells Aqua she wishes the anti-powers organizations would stop coming after him, probably because she’s sick of listening to him incessantly brag about destroying hundreds of helicopters and burning down dozens of buildings. Aqua says that Seth doesn’t need to thank him for his “nice job with the plane”-

Valtor: Ha-ha-ha-ha! No problem kids, it’s all in a day’s work for Super-Aqua! Just brush your teeth and stay in school!

Kenta: Oh, by the way, Seth changed his name from “Seiro” back to “Seth.” This makes things easier.

Aqua gives himself psychic powers, so if he didn’t already have them before, he sure as hell does now. He then claims he can sense everyone’s psychic power around him within a twenty-mile radius-

Kenta: Well, at least it’s not thirty miles.

Valtor: Twenty miles is still a buttload of miles, dude . . .

-and continues to brag about what a good guardian of Tokyo he is, since apparently Tokyo needs a guardian. Seth tells him that he was injected with a chemical that increases his number of powers over time, but if left untreated he could go mad, and die. Complements of the organization after all kids with a “gift.” Seth says that they can’t keep mindlessly blowing up helicopters like a certain someone has been doing . . . rather, they need to destroy the organization from the inside out. He offers an alliance with everyone currently eavesdropping in on the conversation. When he points out the hiding place of Ashley and Luna, Ashley is amazed that Seth knew they were there, even though he recently stated that he knows echolocation. Well, it’s either that or the probability that Ashley’s ears poking up over the rocks gave their position away. Luna tries to stay out of sight anyway, not wishing for her friends to find out that she’s a freak for this one day. And by freak, I mean a normal human being.

Kenta: *Imitating Luna* Oh no! Normalcy! I’ll never be socially accepted again!

When Seth talks about a guy with metal-bending powers, Aqua flatters himself by thinking Seth’s referring to him. Seth assures him he isn’t, then reminds Luna and Ashley of the echolocation thing.

Valtor: YES! Being right rules!

To drive the coffin nail in further, he uses his earth-adept psynergy rip-off from Golden Sun to move the boulder out of the way, revealing the two eavesdroppers. Because Luna doesn’t have powers to feel important about right now, she instead looks for pity and keeps away from the rest of the group. Catherine and Riko (the new joiner who loves stereotypical disgustingly-cute Japanese stuff) waste a couple of posts talking about themselves, then a bunch of men in black suits walk up to the beach. How nice of them wait and let everyone finish developing their characters first. Seth has Aqua predictably start after them, then tells him he needs to WAIT. Luna gives Ashley a new power, the ability to take the form of anyone, and with that said, she and Ashley ditch the rest of the group, leaving them at the mercy of the approaching suits.

Valtor: Luna sure likes ditching people.

Kenta: Hey, check out what Aqua had to say in response to Seth’s controlling his character.

(Seth: At that moment, several men in black uniforms could be seen walking up to them, and Aqua started forward. Seth grabbed him, and whispered frantically, "No, not yet. Don't kill them. That will arouse suspicison, and we need to hide Ashley, if she hasn't de-transformed. We need to be CAREFULL.")

(Aqua: now, why in the world do you think I would kill somone that was in a balck uniform before I knew that they were after us?)

*Kenta and Valtor burst out into uncontrollable laughter. They continue to howl for two full minutes, and eventually Kenta breaks a rib, and Valtor pees himself*

Kenta: Ow . . . hahaha . . . this kid doesn’t have a very good impression of himself, does he?

Aqua, offended that Seth considers him a mindless killing machine (I mean, since he’s obviously not), punishes him by completely ignoring his new situation. He goes to the market for a drink, since markets frequently occur on empty beaches, and as he’s coming back he overhears a conversation between three people. And what a surprise, he’s the topic in question, since he’s just that important. Also, these people somehow seem to know how to defy gravity, what assassin buildings look like (and the fact that there even are assassin buildings), and how Aqua feels about them. Yep, just average, everyday people. They follow him for no reason (since people love stalking each other in this RPG), and for that he beats them half to death with his ice powers before returning to his comrades. What an ***. Seth bids them farewell and goes home to his blacksmith’s shed. Yes, he now has a blacksmith’s shed. And he’s able to make armor and weapons. Compared to Aqua, this hardly counts as godmodding, but . . .

Kenta: -You people still need to quit giving yourselves more @#$%ing powers.

Riko makes another pointless, self-obsessed post that nobody’s ever going to acknowledge, before Catherine decides she wants to go to school. She has Aqua give her a lift there, and he’s sure to ask whether she’d rather go regular speed or warp speed. This unbelievable ego will never cease to amaze me. Aqua adds that all of a sudden, he’s moved out of his parents’ house and into the one directly next to Catherine’s, what a spectacular coincidence. And stalking opportunity. For once, Luna decides she doesn’t want to be where it’s hip, happening, and trendy, and hides with her sister rather than going to school. Riko makes still another self-focused post that everyone ignores, and Mike heads to school, aka his new job. Aqua waits for Catherine outside her house, and in the meantime reads three graphic novels in two minutes. When he sees Mike pass, however, he threatens him, saying he’ll pay for what he did to Luna. You know, with the whole shooting nails in every direction thing from the previous day.

Valtor: He threatened MIKE?! The guy who’s always threatening everyone else?

Kenta: Oh, ho, ho, ho, no WAY dude! I wonder how Mike’s going to react to being the threatened for once, rather than the threatener?

Terry briefly mentions that he now has a rifle (heh, heh, heh), before we get back to Mike vs. Aqua. Disappointingly, however, Mike doesn’t lose his temper like he usually does. Rather, he talks down to Aqua, telling him he shouldn’t talk to his sempai (which he misspells by the way) like that. He continues to pretend he knows squat about Japanese culture and heads off to the school. Catherine mentions to Aqua “oh yeah, aren’t we going on a field trip today?”, despite the fact that there hasn’t even been the dimmest mention of one up until this moment. Aqua goes along with it, then asks Catherine what Mike meant when he said Catherine knew about him.

Valtor: The wording is: “I don't know if Catherine has told you about me just yet.'”

Kenta: In a nutshell, Mike is telling Aqua that Catherine knows what a godmod metal-controlling lord of violence and destruction he was. He’s warning Aqua not to screw with him, or he’ll @#$%ing stab a lamppost through his brains or trap him in a steel cocoon or something. It’s poorly communicated, but there you go.

Because it’s poorly communicated, Catherine truthfully says she has no idea what Mike meant, although she actually does. Fortunately, Seth comes in right then, and is bright enough to translate Mike’s warning to Aqua’s underdeveloped brain. He then states that the field trip, whatever the hell it’s about, will be good. But “it” might happen during the trip. And “it” is never a good thing, folks. Meanwhile, Luna’s “pulling a Riko.” In other words, like Riko, she too is focusing on herself, and thus is getting ignored by everyone.

Kenta: In retrospect, after all these criticisms we’ve been doing, it’s getting kind of hard to figure out what “proper” roleplaying really is.

Valtor: It’s complicated. How exactly do you involve your RP mates in the plot without controlling their characters? How can you stick with everyone else without having the I-can-be-anywhere-at-once instant teleportation powers? How can you feel important if everyone wants to be the coolest character? How are you supposed to make a story-stabilizing plot if nobody wants to keep within the bounds of reality?

Kenta: By the way, listeners, it IS possible to make an actual good RPG. But we won’t get into that right now.

Aqua confidently says that he isn’t afraid of Mike, and that if it became a fight of metal versus metal, it would go on forever. Basically, Aqua’s communicating that at his strongest, Mike is still merely an even match. Mike, who’s been listening in, interrupts Aqua’s ego-stroking long enough to tell him that they won’t have to duke it out, as long as Aqua keeps his *** in line. So with this being the case, logic dictates that they’ll be fighting to the death before this RPG ends. Mike also tells them that he’s the one who’ll be supervising their bus during the trip. Seth does not take this well, and decides he’d rather just fly. But before he can say anything more, his body starts to undergo mutations, and he’s forced to fly away by himself before blacking out. Uh-oh, spaghettios. “It” happened. Back with Miko, she’s frustrated at constantly being ignored and double-posts to get some attention. Catherine grants her what she wants, with the following message: “*glares at u* No double posting =/.” Okay, maybe that’s not quite what she wanted.

Valtor: Ya think?

The bus comes and everyone boards, with Mike in the front with the bus driver. He keeps a mental tab on all things metal, for no particular reason. Aqua thinks that things are going too smoothly and has a bird come along and rip the roof off the bus. I kid you not. He really said that. Then Aqua gets the roof back and the heavyweight bird flies off. Nobody screams.

Valtor: I am so sick of this kid, and everyone for that matter, playing hero.

Kenta: That’s about to change.

Valtor: What?! Really? . . . no way, you’re messing with me, aren’t you?

Kenta: Actually, I’m dead serious. Observe.

Seth wakes up, feeling like his arms are on fire. Possibly because they are. He blows a tree to splinters, then smiles evilly, finding it highly amusing. Seth has become the anti-hero, and just like with Sesshoumaru on Inuyasha, it becomes much easier to like him than the good guys. Luna wants in on this and has him bring his rampage to her family shrine, where she gives her sister a new power: the ability to copy other peoples’ powers. Way to be original, Luna. Anyway, Ashley screams at Seth to cut it out (like that’ll work) while calling the fire department.

Kenta: I shall now pretend to be the chief of the fire department. *Ahem* . . . hello, 911 rescue!

Valtor: *High-pitched Ashley voice* You’ve got to help me Mr. Fireman, sir! There’s an evil boy in the forest burning down trees with his Human Torch powers!

Kenta: Sorry ma’am, but we can’t help you.

Valtor: But I, Ashley, am really not lying about this seemingly prank-call emergency!

Kenta: Like I said, ma’am, we can’t help you . . . Tokyo’s one and only fire truck got flipped over by some **** metal-manipulating teenager a couple days ago. Whoops, I mean months ago. Yeah, months.

Aqua senses a chance to play hero by smelling the forest fire from an unspecified number of miles away. He turns into a dragon and flies off, immediately finding Seth in seconds. He totally beats up Seth without showing the slightest hint of RPG fighting courtesy, and assholishly not letting him get in even one hit back. Then he heroically tells Luna that she won’t need to call the fire department anymore, and fixes every tree in the forest so that everything is perfect. Then he flies off into the sunset . . . er, I mean bus. At this point in Aqua’s god-mod-ness, even Luna is sick of him, and tells him to quit acting so high and mighty already. Because SHE wanted to play hero. Seth reinforces Luna’s thoughts and condemns Aqua for pretending to be a god all the time.

Kenta/Valtor: YEEEEEESSSS! THANK YOU!!! IT’S ABOUT @#$%ING TIME!!

Valtor: Did I just cuss?

In his anger, Seth messes up the bus pretty bad. He then whips up the forest fire again as if Aqua had never come and put it out/ruined his fun, surrounding himself in a smokescreen as he goes. Mike seems to ignore the fact that the bus is beaten up beyond repair and takes over the wheel, now that the driver has mysteriously vanished. Luna and Ashley try to clear the foliage around their shrine so that maybe the fire won’t get it, and they ask him why he’s attacking two innocent girls. It’s as if they expect him to sit down and explain it to them over a nice cup of cappuccino or something. Luna questions Seth’s ability to control smoke, and Seth assures her that it’s not the case. I mean, after all, if there’s FIRE, there’s going to be SMOKE. Seth is too pissed at Mike brushing him off to answer Luna, and instead hides himself deeper in the forest away from the fire. He plans on destroying the shrine, and possibly the bus full of students too, if he can. Mike decides to acknowledge Seth after all, and pulls the wrecked bus back together with his metal-manipulating powers. NOW the kids are crying and screaming in fear for their lives.

Kenta: There we go! Now we’re getting realistic!

Valtor: *Fetal position* I said a naughty word . . . I’m a bad Christian . . .

Aqua gets mad at Mike when Mike adds that Aqua’s ditched them, having not read the last part of his post where he, Aqua got back on the bus. He questions everyone’s ability to read, making himself even more of an *** than he already is, and Luna takes over momentarily. She and Ashley notice that Mike has snuck into their house, and Ashley runs over and kicks him in the-

Kenta: Nuts?

-side. Not a smart thing to do to a guy who’s recently gone crazy and set everything he’s come in contact with on fire. Seth takes the kick, and responds by picking up Ashley with telekinesis. Smirking insanely, he whips out his hand and sends her reeling into the nearest tree. Seeing that Luna has no powers to defend herself, he spares her life, and leaves the place by flight. Seth lands on a nearby mountain where he can take aim at both the shrine and the bus. Feeling an overwhelming sudden exhaustion, he settles for giving the bus two parting fireballs, and the shrine three, before returning home for some rest. Ashley uses her amazing batting skills to knock ALL THREE fireballs away with just her tail, but then later has to put it in some cold water. The conclusion of this exciting adventure . . . turns out to be no field trip after all. They go back to school and start sketching things.

Kenta: Wait a second, they didn’t even go through evacuation procedures and get the kids safely home?! Despite the bus having been hit by two fireballs?

Valtor: Please observe that the “screw common sense” rule is still in full effect.

The plot becomes confusing to follow along with, and it’s clear that nobody has a **** clue what’s going on AGAIN. Well, uh . . . Catherine has the story switch to four or five totally new characters of hers that up until now nobody knew existed. They get into a fight over popularity or snootiness, or something trivial like that. Mike, as confused as everyone else, guesses that they’re back at the school now and sits on the steps playing with Canadian pennies. He waves hi to Luna, and Luna responds by telling him that she and Ashley are back at their shrine tidying up, not at the school. Aqua pretends he knows what’s going on and tells Mike that they’re still on the wrecked bus, not back at school, then claims he can sketch anything really well. At this newest claimed power by Aqua, Seth snaps and demands that he quit giving himself new powers, because it’s unbearably goddamn irritating already!

Kenta: I present thee, Sir Seth, this coupon entitling you to One Free Internet.

Valtor: What? But you won that when writing your depressing Rudolph story!

Kenta: This kid deserves it more than I do, for what he has done.

Seth adds that the “bus” is currently a large chunk of metal in at least three different pieces by now, and it’s only moving because Mike’s manipulating it to. Seth himself is waiting for the “bus” to arrive back at the school so he can terrorize it a little more. In the meantime, to amuse himself, he casts a bunch of Firagas at the school while he’s waiting. So if the school wasn’t a smoldering ruin on the ground from the previous fire, it sure as heck is now. Not to mention, if it wasn’t closed for the summer yet, it @#$%ing well is now.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: I see Catherine’s decided to add another one to her collection. Her name’s Asami, age twelve and in seventh grade. Apparently we’re going seventh-grader in a HIGH SCHOOL roleplay. Shockingly (not), she’s abnormal, with the ability to control water. She’s sorta like Kristora, only not able to use healing powers.

Asami sees that the high school has caught on fire, and ditches her current class to assist in putting it out. Fire trucks have begun to gather around the school, apparently there actually WERE more than one in Tokyo. It kinda makes you wonder, then, why they didn’t ever show up to put out the school the first time it caught on fire. Oh right, screw common sense. Mike looks down on the gathering crew and shoots lightning bolts of electrical charge at them. However, despite that they’re being attacked and killed, none of them pull out guns and open fire on him. Drunk with evilness, Seth heads towards the middle school, intent on burning that down next. Catherine becomes worried that Seth is trying to stop the RPG with all his disorderly conduct . . . because Tokyo High School has DEFINITELY needed to rely on regulation and order to survive for this long. Uh-huh, a little chaos now would bring it down for sure, oh-kay. Alright, enough sarcasm, at any rate Asami takes advantage of a nearby fire hydrant and blasts Seth with a pillar of water. Catherine and Aqua arrive, which suggests that the rest of the “bus” has as well, and she yells the very, very, very obvious remark that Seth has to be stopped before he destroys the whole city.

Valtor: Ooh, pointing and yelling! Yeah, that’ll do wonders. It definitely has all the previous number of times it’s been done in this RPG.

Seth assures Luna that he’s not bent on the destruction of the RPG (hinting that at long as Aqua’s around, it’ll be impossible for anything “good” to be destroyed for more than a few seconds). In response to Asami’s bold water shot at him, Seth retaliates back at her with an ice spell, before being zapped with one of the guards’ tasers. For the record, this is the first time in seventy pages, aka 1,400+ replies, that a main character gets defeated by a nameless nobody. Terry doesn’t count, since he kicked the ice guy’s *** less than an hour after he (Ice guy) defeated him. He states that he’ll be pulling out of the RPG for a while, but he’ll be back in soon, with a mission this time. Not just random destruction. Since he’s telling this to a bunch of fans of random destruction, it’s pretty easy to predict that this will never, ever work out.

Valtor: Man, I’m sad to see him go like this, even if it is only temporary. He was the coolest character, by far.

Kenta: Hey, he played out his leaving well. By having a nameless nobody bring him down, nobody else (particularly Aqua) can now claim to play hero and have done it. Unless they control his character without his permission. By the way, you’re late again.

Valtor: I’m la-? . . . ! N-NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Is he really staying? This kid signed up over twenty days ago, and has yet to contribute jack to this RPG.

Valtor: Why’d you make me do it if you were just going to say that?

Kenta: I’m just that mean.

Now that the most recent huge event is over, nobody got to play hero, and the school’s a wreck once again, the players of THS are left in a very awkward situation . . . what are they supposed to do in Tokyo High School, without their Tokyo high school?

Kenta: Oh, they’ll be fine. As long as they continue to pull stuff out of nowhere like they’ve been doing, this RPG will become bigger than New Poke’Mon Adventure.

Picard (from the side) : Woo-hoo! Someone still remembers it!

Alice returns to the RPG after having ditched it for about thirty pages, and hastily makes it clear that she has no idea what’s going on. To be precise, she walks into the burning school and seats herself in an empty classroom, ready for a lesson.

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Her name’s Rebecca, age eighteen and in twelfth grade. While she doesn’t have any ridiculous powers, she always gets perfect scores on tests and has drop-dead looks that would turn even women lesbian. Well @#$% me, another godmod.

Valtor: The difference of product doesn’t make up for the poor quality of the brand.

Kenta: What the hell does that mean?

Valtor: If you were more intelligent, like Becky supposedly, you’d know.

Despite being an unbelievably brilliant student, Becky still manages to lack enough common sense to walk into a ruined building and become the only other person than Alice to expect a lesson. Catherine, feeling sorry for them, covers up by claiming that only thirty-five percent of the high school was destroyed. It’s an odd claim to anyone who’s read about Seth’s destruction, because he seemed to have done a pretty thorough job. Oh well. Anyway, Luna wishes someone would come to her shrine because she’s getting bored (HINT, HINT!!), and Catherine obediently decides that as long as they have no more school, she may as well pay a visit to Luna. She goes over to the shrine to say hello, and-

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Let’s see here . . . his name’s Trey, age sixteen and in tenth grade, and he’s- *Kenta freezes for a moment, turns very pale, and passes out*

Valtor: Kenta? Kenta! What’s wrong? What happened?? *Checks Trey’s profile, then his eyes roll up into his head and he, too, faints on the spot*

*Trey is a NORMAL JOINER. The apocalypse is coming.*

[Kenta.....]

Part VIII
Excitement level: Below Average

***

*Kenta and Valtor are lying stiffly on the ground, looking to be as dead as nails.  Valtor suddenly pops up spontaneously like a whack-a-mole, with a manic bulging-eyes look.*

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Ugghhh . . . my head.  What happened last night-?

Valtor: Kenta, focus.  You’re not drunk.

Kenta: Then how’d I attain this ‘Bite Me’ tattoo?  Eh, forget it.  Okay viewers, sorry ‘bout the wait.  We dive back into the story with the introduction of a new character, by the name of Sak- . . . wait a minute.  She only has one post.  Valtor, you woke me out of a pleasant dream about super-harem Negima for this?

The would-be joiner “Sakura” (yes, another Sakura) turns out to be a false alarm, as she abandons the roleplay as soon as she joins it.  Thus, we really rejoin the plot with the Mike from much earlier in the story.  Not lord of destruction Mike, but almost-normal-joiner Mike.  He approaches the team of firemen gathered around Tokyo High School, and for no reason at all, decides that they all get to die today.  Using Pikachu’s Thunderbolt attack, Mike zaps them silly, then goes after news reporters and the cops, next.

Kenta: Ah-?!  It’s as if Magneto-Mike passed the baton to him!

Catherine, Luna, Asami and Sam (Samantha) all run indoors as nimbostratus clouds form overhead and it starts to pour.  Apparently, Mike decided to perform Rain Dance as well.  Then-

Valtor: NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: Ho boy . . . here comes some more abuse to THS’s plot.  This new joiner’s name is Moderno, age sixteen and in eleventh grade.  He’s yet another joiner with Human Torch powers.  And on a side note, he’s . . . how do I put this . . . built himself a reputation in other RPGs.  Here, I’ll show you what I mean.

Moderno fancies himself as someone who girls can easily fall in love with, which is nonsensical considering how violent he is.  He kicks open the door to the school, swaggers in, and claims that the school belongs to him, now.  Then he goes around looking for fights, instantly gets some, and predictably enough, dominates the nameless nobodies who dare challenge him.  Being high and mighty means a great deal to him, much more than posting quality, at any rate.  Even Inuyasha43 observes that he’s an amateur, and to top it all off, he’s got a minor case of The Voice.  Legible, but irritating to the eyes nevertheless.  Merely because he’s bored, Moderno starts shooting fire everywhere, screwing over the firemen who worked so hard to put out the school, and basically making their deaths in vain.  Eeveot and Inuyasha43 yell at him for being annoying, and a new character comes along that’s actually staying for a while this time.

Valtor: Hey!  Quit stealing my job!

Kenta: Her name’s Destiny, one of those “poetic cliché” names in the same category with Song, Blossom, Faith, Wind, Mist, Sword, and other stuff people name themselves to feel special.  She’s sixteen and in eleventh grade, shockingly Not Normal, and can control the wind.  Oh, and she’s the second child genius in two pages who (dun dun dun) can get VERY angry.  I can never emphasize this enough: these kids need therapy.

Aqua comes flying along, using his Aqua-Radar to find Catherine instantly.  He remarks that the school got burned down . . . again . . . and offers to help rebuild it.  When he feels like it.  Meanwhile, Destiny attempts to use her wind powers to build the school back up . . . somehow.  I’m guessing she tries to blow the ashes into the shapes of desks or chairs, or something.  Then she sees a boy on the street ignoring her, which apparently is unusual since Destiny is supposedly so hot that “most boys can’t take their eyes off her.”

Valtor: No ugly people in this world.

Kenta: Time for our next update in the rules of successful roleplay, after about twenty or thirty pages of neglect.
19. Only beautiful people are permitted into the RPing world.  The ugly ones all deserve to be rounded up into concentration camps and purged from the earth.
20. Only gluttony, greed, and envy are really part of the seven deadly sins.  It’s perfectly okay to have wrath, pride, sloth, and lust.
21. Your powers can always, always, always adapt to any situation.  Heck, you could use your super-hearing to give you godly strength, if it were necessary to move a boulder.
22. Only people with names are allowed to fight back for real.
23. When you’re bored, you must either (a. attack everything around you within striking distance, or (b. do something pointless that will never extend the plot.
24. Cloaked people > regular people.

Aqua decides that three minutes are long enough, and hops to rebuilding the high school in his aquadragon and airdragon forms.  Don’t ask me where he’s getting the raw materials from, to do this.  Pikachu-Mike is sure to point out that he’s godmodding, which is a near-fatal shock for everyone to hear, then spends the rest of his post talking to himself about getting everyone alone and killing them one by one.

Valtor: *Gollum voice* Preeeeeciousssssssssss . . . uh, NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: We’ve got here a guy named Kuri in seventh grade, our latest addition to Tokyo Middle School, the roleplay about a middle school in Tokyo. *Rolls eyes* He’s twelve years old, predictably enough Not Normal, and is the third or fourth joiner now with the power to control water and ice.  He’s small fast and agile, kinda like I was as a lil’ kid.

Kuri runs to the school, unnaturally eager to learn, but stops when he sees that the high school has been burned down.  In response, he runs around the school, putting things back in their place (whatever that means), then sees Aqua dragon and screams.  Luna comes along, greets the enormous Aqua dragon ever-so-casually, then informs him that they’re just going to have to transfer to another school.  At this, Kuri starts crying, even though the middle school where he BELONGS is still perfectly intact.  He makes a swing out of nothing at all, and rocks on it.  Catherine appropriately asks him what on earth he’s talking about, before telling Aqua that his efforts are futile, as Luna just has.  Aqua asks her what they’re going to do, but before she can answer, Alice makes her first appearance since God knows how long.

Valtor: I’m gonna phone the milk industry and tell them that they can take her face off the cartons, now.

Meanwhile, Genevieve-

Kenta: DAAAAAAMMIIIIIIIIIT!  @#$%ING SON OF A @#$%& IN A @#$%@#*%&^*%&#@(%*)!  I’LL BE @#^%$#*&^)(@$!!

*Valtor kneels on the ground, drapes a blanket over his head, and performs three signs of the cross over him before holding his ears*

Meanwhile, Genevieve is back again, after spending about seven-eighths of the roleplay in England, warding off Mitch-tachi.  She still wants Catherine to come over to her house, to discuss important matters.  Ah, the memories this brings back.  And she asks what’s been going on since she’s been gone.

Valtor: Oh!  Oh, you missed it.  There was this beastly fight between Terry and AJ, then one time, this guy named Dark Alex tried to maim up Mike and Alice all by himself.  Oh, oh, and Terry slaughtered about ten thousand or so civilians in a single day.  Sometime after that (or was it before-?) Kyo and Kero created a vortex in the sky, then went around planting rockets on the moon and the stars.  Then a guy named Aqua came along, you would’ve loved him, and he destroyed hundreds of buildings and thousands of helicopters, and then another guy named Seth tried to bring order to the roleplay, and he cracked and became a villain instead, and . . . and . . .

Kenta: Point is, a group of about seven kids with incredible powers and even more incredible mental problems caused about ten trillion dollars’ worth of damage to the world, in less than a year’s time.  Other than that, you didn’t miss much.

Kuri continues to try and get everyone’s attention by randomly annoying Catherine, but she ignores his antics and tells Genevieve that the school’s been burned down, for the second time now.

Valtor: Yeah, she JUST missed that one.

The discussion somehow turns to needing noise in the background to think, then lord of destruction Mike comes back into the picture long enough to state that he now has white hair and a goatee.  Nobody pays him any mind, and Catherine tells Genevieve that they’re gonna have to transfer schools.  Genevieve nods, then tries again to invite Catherine and Luna over to her house.  Aqua seems to want in on it too, but she doesn’t acknowledge him much.  They leave for Luna’s shrine, where they arrive in time to see her hitting her sister on the head.

Kenta: The plot’s dying again.

Valtor: Well, this time the life support isn’t going to work.  Look, just grit and bear it through to the end, will you?

Kenta: But I’m so BORED!

Valtor: All right, tell you what.  If you can stick with it for just three more pages, we’ll have a surprise ending to the THS review.  Okay?  Anyway, NEW CHARACTER!

Kenta: What can a new character hope to accomplish with only three pages left to work in?  Ugh . . . all right, last time with the new character.  His name is Siker, age fifteen and in tenth grade, with May’s Not Normal ability to manipulate time in any way at all.  And if that doesn’t rest-assure you that he’s a godmod, know that he grew up as an orphan.  In the roleplaying world, childhood orphans = demi gods.  It happens every time.

Genevieve confirms that she wants nothing to do with Aqua, by excluding him from the Genevieve-Catherine-Luna triangle.  The three-girls club make their way to the vampire’s house, then head up to her room.  Genevieve tells them that she’s killed Mitch-tachi at last, so she’s not an outcast anymore.  Luna says that the day’s nearly over, and soon she won’t be powerless anymore.  Well, there’s the happy ending for both of them, just eleven more kids to go, now.  Meanwhile, Siker goes into the burned school and uses his imagination to pretend that there are students and teachers in there.  He has to be pulled aside by Aqua and reminded that the building’s uninhabitable at this point.  In response, Siker confuses Aqua’s sex and asks if everyone has super powers.

Kenta: You know how it’s optional to be normal or not normal?  It’s normal to be not normal, but it’s not normal to be normal.

Valtor: What?!

Kenta: Just read it again, Valtor.  That’s probably the deepest and most insightful line in this entire story.

The next day, Siker is sitting on the bench in a park, wondering where he’ll go for school, now that this one has been burned down.  Despite the fact that he can CONTROL TIME ITSELF, and thus go back two days and prevent the fire from ever happening, this obvious idea never occurs to him.  Then, against phenomenal odds, a thief just happens to come along and stereotypically steals an old lady’s purse, right in front of him.  Siker just sits there and lets him . . . . sike!  Come on, you should know that when an opportunity to play hero this tempting presents itself, the “knight in shining armor” syndrome takes over.  Especially in this RPG.  Siker stops time itself, then walks up to the thief and punches him four or five times in a row.  With his need for violence sated, he returns the purse to the old lady, and starts time again.  The thief runs away in horror, calling Siker a freak.

Valtor: What’s so funny, Kenta?

Kenta: *Snorting, both hands covering his face* Nothing . . . nothing . . .

Genevieve pleads for Catherine and Luna to stay over for dinner, boasting that her mother is the best cook in the world.  That’s right, better than Luna’s mother, and Aqua’s mother, and Catherine’s mother, and my mother, and your mother, so there.  The two guests accept.  In the meantime, Aqua flies home (honestly, can his legs even support his body weight anymore?) and finds a book in his shelf that wasn’t previously there.

Valtor: NEW CHA-

Kenta: No!  @#$% you, I’ve had it!  No more new characters, they do NOTHING for the plot!

Valtor: Okay, okay, sheesh . . .

The three-girls club continues to chat for a while about how totally abnormal and special they are.  Ice makes another appearance after having ditched the RPG for ages, and asks herself what happened to the school, since there’s nobody around to talk to.  And since there’s nothing better to do, she freezes the grass, simply because she can.  Then she turns the weather to snow . . . because she can.  And she crumbles the frozen blades of grass into grass-dust, because she can.

Valtor: Kenta?  Why are you poking holes in my chair cushion with those scissors?

Kenta: Because I can.

Valtor: Seems pointless and wasteful.

Kenta: Yeah, it does.  Any reason we’re stalling, here?

Valtor: Look, can’t we introduce just one more char-

Kenta: No.

Valtor: But his initiation post was long and legible-

Kenta: No.

Valtor: But he’s a Normal joiner-

Kenta: No.

Valtor: But his character is deep and well-thought-out, so-

Kenta: Valtor, if Terak himself were to join this roleplay right now, I wouldn’t introduce him.

Valtor: Oh.  I . . . see.  Point taken.

Nothing exciting happens again, as Genevieve, Luna, and Catherine continue to stretch their visit at the vampire’s house on and on.  Ice announces that the RPG is coming to a close, which is necessary to do since there hasn’t been any plot to depend on since page 1.  Ice eventually meets Jeff at the school, still freezing things at random because she has nothing better to do.  She and Jeff go through a corny “I love you” speech and pretty soon they’re slobbering over each others’ faces.

Kenta: Ha-ha-ha-ha!  There shall be NO regard for romance in this review!

Valtor: Geez, way to wipe your feet all over it . . .

We find out that Genevieve had her own fantasy boyfriend in this RPG as well, some British dude named Joshua.  Luna and Catherine leave the scene to give them a little privacy, and-

Valtor: And what?

Kenta: And nothing.  It’s over, dude.  Seventy-six pages of death, violence, godmodding, and tired clichés are now behind us.  Our job is finally finished.  *Looks inquisitively at Valtor* Now where’s that surprise ending you promised me?

Valtor: Oh, right.  Follow me.  *Picks up his chair and swings it at the glass wall separating the two of them from the scenes of THS in front of them.  The glass shatters*

Kenta: *Blinking in astonishment at the falling shards* Wha . . . what the . . . that was all that was separating us from the story this whole time?!

Valtor: Umm . . . yeah, pretty much.  For the record, we could’ve done that at any time.

Kenta: Then you should’ve done it back on page two, when I wanted to kill everybody!!

Valtor: That’s precisely why I didn’t do it.  Now are you coming or what?  *Begins clambering through the hole of broken glass*

Kenta: Uh . . . sure . . .

Kenta and Valtor climb into Tokyo High School, and are immediately surrounded by a gang of ugly, overly-muscular guys with elemental powers.  Kenta screams like a girl, and Valtor hastily opens the book of rules for a successful roleplay, hoping it may be able to save them.

1. Use the rules everyone else uses in their RPGs and be real vague with the plot.

Valtor hurriedly puts down the following rules: “Characters with names can’t die, take as long as you need to get an action done, all plot control belongs solely to Kenta and Valtor.”  The nameless nobodies instantly stop in their tracks and politely wait to see if Valtor has anything else he wants to do, since he’s now allowed to take as long as he needs to do anything.

2. Let everyone have super powers that they’re not mature enough to use properly.

Valtor rolls his eyes and gives himself the ability to negate anyone’s powers within a fifty-mile radius of himself.  Kenta gives himself the popular “omniscience” ability, and immediately knows about a great deal more than he wants to.

3. Constantly indicate how boring the RPG is, how cool your own character is compared to everyone else’s, and how “unique” you are. Oh, and swear a lot, without regard to the “no really bad words” rule. Realisticity not allowed.

Kenta groans that he’s bored, which he’s good at anyway.  Valtor ties a bed sheet around his neck and openly states that everyone sucks but him.  For that, Kenta cusses him out, again something he’s had practice with all along.  Valtor pulls a roll of duct tape out of nowhere and winds it around his head, covering up his mouth.

4. Mercilessly bully anyone more noobish at roleplaying than you, to make yourself look better. Hey, it works in real life with social status.

Kenta and Valtor look around, but find no other THS characters in sight.  So Kenta turns around and punches Valtor in the eye, then steals his bedsheep-cape.

5. Acknowledge only the people you like, and totally ignore the ones you don’t. The exceptions to this rule are when there’s either nobody else around to RP with, or the other guy nearly kills you.

Valtor yells at Kenta for giving him a black eye, but Kenta just yawns and stares at his watch.  Eventually, Valtor pulls out a bomb he’s stolen from Levian, and that sure gets Kenta’s attention again.

6. Fill up whole pages with one-on-one replies. That takes up a nice, big chunk of roleplay space.

Kenta tells Valtor to put down the bomb.  Valtor tells Kenta to shut up.  Kenta tells Valtor to shut up.  Valtor tells Kenta “no, you shut up,” and Kenta does likewise.  They keep telling each other to shut up for a good sixteen pages.

7. Have everyone feel good by ganging up on generic bullies, thus promoting bullying yourself but never thinking you are.

Kenta and Valtor forgive each other and turn on the guys who’ve been standing idly around them for about two hours now.  Kenta pulls out the Songbreeze, and Valtor, the Spade of Glory, and the two of them maim up the gang of nameless nobodies.  When the generic villains are all down, they stop and slap hands.  Valtor remarks “we sure showed ‘em.”

8. Remember kids! Violence and sexism are your friends.

Kenta kicks one of the downed “villains” in the nuts, something he’s been wanting to do to certain THS characters for too long now.  Valtor makes a sexist joke, that women don’t fart as much as men, because they yak so much that the gas never gets a chance to build up.

9. As long as you’re still caught up on the action, let the RPG go as fast as it will. Screw the people who get left behind. If they don’t want to do all the boring and extremely slow reading up to the current part of the RP, they can just go straight to Hell.

Valtor looks around and suddenly notices that Kenta is gone.  After searching for a couple of hours, he finds that Kenta has already mapped out all the areas of Tokyo High School, has rebuilt the school somehow, and is the new principal in charge.  When Valtor asks Kenta why he didn’t wait up, Kenta tells him to go to Hell.

10. Fighting’s always fun, even when there’s absolutely nothing to fight over. I mean, did you see any victory in this last one? Waste of time. But it accumulated quite a few pages of posts for the RPG.

Kenta spontaneously declares a thumb war with Valtor.  They go at it for about five posts, uselessly prolonging it, and eventually Valtor wins.

11. If someone wants to win a fight, let him win. It could be as predictable as Yami winning his next card game, and you could create fight scenes of near perfection, but if the judges around you want the other guy to win, let him win. Or her.

Kenta has a tantrum when he loses the thumb war, and demands a rematch, best two out of three.  They fight again, and Valtor is easily dominating Kenta once more, but Kenta STRONGLY hints that he wants to win this one.  So Valtor lets him.

12. Nobody really gets injured in a fight until blood is spilled or limbs are broken. You could be burned to a crisp, near-fatally electrocuted, shot by gamma rays, etc, but you’re fine for as long as you retain a normal appearance. And laughing while fighting your opponent always reinforces your health. So laugh a lot if you want to win.

Kenta electrocutes Valtor while their hands are still linked, using his wind M.A.G.I.C.  Valtor laughs it off and crushes Kenta in the final round of the thumb war.

13. Give your character a big ego, even if yours isn’t so big. People seem to be attracted, both positively and negatively, to folks with ego problems.

Valtor declares himself the thumb war king.  Against his will, Kenta finds himself dropping to his knees, and bowing down to his little brother.

14. When you’re dry on plot, make up a completely kid-incompatible event that threatens the safety of the neighborhood. It can range from your local school on fire to a black hole in the sky. Roleplayers love fancying themselves as doers of the impossible.

Suddenly, Sephiroth bursts into the principal’s office through the window, and challenges Kenta to a swordsman duel.  Kenta accepts, and beats Sephiroth in five seconds flat.

15. If you’re the leader of the RPG, accept anyone and everyone in, no matter how crappy their spelling and/or creativity is. And don’t request that they improve either one.

Valtor nods his approval at Kenta’s impossible victory over Sephiroth, the unquestioned most badass villain in the history of video games.

16. All previous rules mentioned are still in effect, such as the “be a bully” rule. The more you bully both player and nonplayer characters, the better off you’ll be.

Kenta smugly kicks Sephiroth in the butt, sending him flying back out the window from whence he came.  He then says “I am sooooo awesome.”

17: Make sure you mention that your powers increase when you get angry. That way, when you run into a fellow bully with a big ego, you have the perfect excuse to power-up right away. And your friend Violence will be pleased with you.

Valtor gets angry at Kenta for exalting himself, and immediately, Kenta not only loses his omniscience power, but his default wind M.A.G.I.C., too.  Then Valtor kicks him out of the principal’s office.

19. Only beautiful people are permitted into the RPing world.  The ugly ones all deserve to be rounded up into concentration camps and purged from the face of the earth.

Kenta and Valtor jump in terror, then hastily smooth their hair out and straighten their clothes, hoping to God nobody finds them unsightly.

20. Only gluttony, greed, and envy are really part of the seven deadly sins.  It’s perfectly okay to have wrath, pride, sloth, and lust.

Valtor refuses to acknowledge this rule anyway.  Kenta’s with him on this one.

21. Your powers can always, always, always adapt to any situation.  Heck, you could use your super-hearing to give you godly strength, if it were necessary to move a boulder.

Kenta decides having godly speed, along with omniscience, still isn’t good enough for him.  Therefore, he combines them and says that with his omniscience, he’s discovered a way to work his wind M.A.G.I.C. so that he can fly.  He can’t really explain it any better than A.J. could’ve explained how his fire powers allowed him to make a molten rock fly, but whatever.  Screw common sense.

22. Only people with names are allowed to fight back for real.

The real principal of Tokyo High School bangs the door open and demands to know how Kenta suddenly got put in charge of the place.  Kenta simply grabs him by the tie and flings him out the window, where he lands on Sephiroth on the grass below.  The principal never tries to even duck out of the way or dodge, or anything.

23. When you’re bored, you must either (a. attack everything around you within striking distance, or (b. do something pointless that will never extend the plot.

Valtor becomes bored, so he lies down on the principal’s desk and falls asleep.

24. Cloaked people > regular people.

A cloaked guy named “Justus” comes through the doorway, challenging Kenta to a sword fight for no reason.  Kenta accepts, but finds he’s having a much harder time defeating this guy than Sephiroth.  Eventually, he remembers to start laughing in the middle of the fight, and just like that, Justus collapses onto the floor, defeated.

Kenta: Well, we’ve applied all the rules of a successful roleplay here, so now we’re the most powerful people in THS.

Valtor: Cool!  Well . . . not really.  So uh, what do you want to do, now that we have the reign?

Kenta: Hmm . . . oh, I know!  Let’s round up all the main characters and interview them individually!

Valtor: Can we actually do that?  These are the same kids that defied the laws of men and physics alike, multiple times, without ever getting caught.

Kenta: You have the power to negate their powers.  I have the power to find them instantly.  All we really have to do is hunt ‘em down, wrestle them to the ground, and drag them here.

Valtor: How are we supposed to haul thirteen kicking and screaming kids into this place at once?

Kenta: Simple.  We’ll just hijack the bus.

Valtor: But Seth blew it up towards the end of the RPG.

Kenta: That’s okay.  I jumped ahead of you in the plot at rule 9, and had everything miraculously restored.  I was about to tell you earlier, but then I thought to myself, “screw the people who get left behind.”

Valtor: Aww, thanks, jerk.  So, how did you manage to restore everything miraculously?

Kenta: I got a little help from an old acquaintance . . .

God Mod: *From the corner* You owe me a favor.

*Five minutes later . . .*

Even though neither of them have a license, Valtor takes the wheel of the school bus while Kenta stands at the swivel doors, ready to leap out at any moment.  They speed through Tokyo, often rolling over half the sidewalk, and keep an eye out for the chosen thirteen characters from the first page.  They start with Luna, and end at Terry, who manages to put up quite a fight and nearly gives Kenta the thing he fears most: a haircut.  After finally succeeding in tying Terry up, they head back to the school, and Valtor crashes the front of the bus straight through the wall and into the school’s waiting lobby.  Slightly concussed, but otherwise unhurt, Kenta jumps out.

Kenta: These damages are coming out of your credit, Valtor . . . okay, attention everyone!  My name is Kenta Daitan!  I come to you in peace!

Kyo: Dude, you beat me over the head with a rubber chicken and then tied me up!  Peace, my ass!

Kenta: Yeah, sorry about that . . . look, uh, my bro and I brought you guys all here so that we could interview you, now that the RPG’s over.  We figured the viewers would appreciate this as a more satisfying end, you know?

Mike: You kidnapped me for that?!  If you don’t untie me RIGHT NOW, I’m going to hack off your &+$# at night and force-feed it to your mom!

Valtor: Hmm . . . perhaps we’d better give him a little time to cool off.

Kenta: Okay, let’s just do the interviews alphabetically.  That means . . . AJ, you’re up.  Come on into the principal’s office . . . I mean, my office.

AJ’s Interview

Kenta: So, AJ, you actually represent the typical THS main character quite suitably.  Let me start by asking you . . . what’d you think?

AJ: What do you mean, what did I think?

Kenta: About Tokyo High School . . . did you enjoy it?

AJ: Well, it was fun when I was with Terry.  Kicking his butt never gets old.

Kenta: Wasn’t it . . . the other way around?  Didn’t he kick your butt?

AJ: Heck no.  I pwned him.  But he was a worthy opponent, I’ll give him that.

Kenta: Uh, okay.  Hey, uh, when you first arrived at the school, did anyone bother to show you around?

AJ: Not that I remember.

Kenta: Why not?

AJ: I think it’s because I didn’t fit in.  The other students were all carrying around bags of sand, which is a weird trend if you ask me.  I was the only guy carrying around a jar of fire.

Kenta: Wait . . . why were you carrying around fire?

AJ: I like fire.

Kenta: Don’t you think you might have creeped people out, with you hauling around fire wherever you went?

AJ: You mean people don’t usually do that?  I read Harry Potter, and Hermione Granger always seemed to carry fire around in a jar.

Kenta: That’s not . . . what people typically do.

AJ: Oh right, and carrying around bags of sand is perfectly normal.

Kenta: Ah, touché.  Say, um, when you first met Terry for real, you were in a bar.  Did the bartender know that you were underage to be drinking?

AJ: No.  But when he asked me if I was twenty-one, I said yes, and that was good enough for him.

Kenta: Don’t you think lying is bad?

AJ: Hey!  I don’t tell you how to live your life.

Kenta: Yeah, yeah.  Hey, did you feel Terry’s blows whenever you and him got in that first fight?

AJ: Nah, I was too wasted by then.  I felt something afterwards when I sobered up, though.

Kenta: So how come you told him “don’t mess with the best or you’ll die like the rest”?

AJ: ‘Cause I’m the best . . . fool.

Kenta: Yeah, okay.  Now, I’ve been wondering something . . . how are volcanoes and molten rock related to fire?

AJ: Beg pardon?

Kenta: You have the ability to control fire.  But you were somehow also to make a mini-volcano erupt out of the ground.  How’d you do that?

AJ: I . . . don’t understand the question.

Kenta: Look, molten rock and fire are two totally different things!

AJ: No they’re not.  They’re both the same color, and they’re both hot.

Kenta: So?

AJ: So I can control them both.  Geez, is this so hard to grasp?

Kenta: For a logical mind, yes . . .

AJ: Can I leave now?

Kenta: In a minute.  During your three fights with Terry, did you ever feel any real pain?

AJ: Pfft, no.  I got weaker as the battle went on, but his daggers aren’t that scary.

Kenta: Weren’t you afraid of death at any point?!

AJ: What is this “death” of which you speak?

Kenta: You know what?  Never mind.  You’re free to go.

AJ: Thanks.  You’re a strange kid, Kenta.

***

Alex’s Interview

Valtor: Heya, Alex.  You were one of my favorite characters in THS, even though you didn’t stay that long.

Alex: Thanks.  I would’ve hung around longer, but those kids are just so random . . .

Valtor: You’ve hit the nail on the head there.  So tell me, were you at all upset when you made your first appearance, only to have Terry come at you itching for a fight?

Alex: No, not particularly.  I was rather peeved when he stuck me though, when I told him multiple times I didn’t want to spar with him.

Valtor: But then later on, you changed your mind, right?

Alex: Actually, it might have been my dark, alter ego, trying to get out of me.

Valtor: Oh, yes.  Where’d you get that alter ego, anyhow?

Alex: Wal*Mart.  They were having a sale.

Valtor: What?  You . . . you mean you can just buy those things at a store?

Alex: Well, duh.  Not so many people would have them if they weren’t easy to attain.

Valtor: But isn’t Dark Alex evil?

Alex: That wasn’t what it said on the tag . . . but yes, that’s why Wal*Mart was having a sale.  Nobody was buying the crappy alter egos that tried to screw over your life.

Valtor: Mm-hm.  I’ll have to watch out for that.  Hey, is it true that you have thirty spells?

Alex: It is.

Valtor: So . . . what are they?

Alex: *Counting off his fingers* Heal, Healara, Healaga, Healaja, Clone, Blind, Float, Blizzard, Blizzara, Blizzaga, Gravity . . . hey, do you need a pencil to write these down?

Valtor: Actually, never mind.  I get the idea.

Alex: I can also make dimensional time rifts.  I could demonstrate for you, but . . .

Valtor: My power to negate your power is in effect.  Yeah, sorry about that, dude.  Anyway, um . . . how’d you feel when Aqua came along and ruined your fight against Terry?

Alex: Oh, that’s right, he was the boy who inexplicably found us in the middle of the forest, and shoved both our faces into the ground.  That was very rude of him.

Valtor: How come you didn’t fight back?

Alex: When I looked up, he was gone.  Oh, but had he stayed, I would have distorted his features good . . .

Valtor: That wasn’t the only time you got pushed around . . . I also recall the time when Mike and Alice used their super god powers to freeze everyone.  They later gave you a good bit of physical abuse, when demanding to know if you’d hidden Alice’s sister.

Alex: They never did stop to question why I was any more guilty than the others.  True, I had an evil side to me, but it wasn’t the type to commit petty crimes such as hostage-taking.  That Mike kid was simply an animal with me.  Why I didn’t sublimate him on the spot, I’ll never know.

Valtor: My brother was wondering that too.  Hey, one more question, before you go.

Alex: Sure, anything.

Valtor: What’s more tolerable, a major godmod who’s mature enough to use his powers, or a minor godmod who isn’t mature enough to handle them?

Alex: Hmm . . . Valtor, I see you’re wearing a cross around your neck.  Holy man, eh?

Valtor: I . . . yeah.  I try to be good.

Alex: I think we both know the answer to your question. *Winks and leaves*

Valtor: That guy is awesome.

***

Alice’s Interview

Kenta: Thanks for taking the time out of your busy life to talk to me, Alice.

Alice: In case you forgot, you’re the one who bound me and dragged me here.

Kenta: Hey, c’mon now, I said I was sorry already!

Alice: Let’s just get this over with.

Kenta: What’s your hurry?

Alice: I have to get back to my own house, so I can do French things.  Like laughing that goofy French-person laugh that Americans stereotype, and speaking with z’s where the th’s are supposed to go.

Kenta: Your accent seems fine to me.

Alice: I travel around a lot, so I study these sorts of things.  I avoid getting made fun of that way.

Kenta: Oh, okay.  Well, Alice, you’re kinda referred to as the fourteenth main character, even though there are really just thirteen.

Alice: I gave Michael permission to use my character.  Was he good about it?

Kenta: Um, I dunno . . . I think that’s more a judgment you need to make.

Alice: What’s that supposed to mean?

Kenta: Well, he cozied up with you a good deal as the story progressed.  You weren’t actually around to see it most of the time, but . . .

Alice: Since when have the goings-on between Mike and myself been any of your business?

Kenta: Um . . . since the first page of the THS review.   By the way, did you know that he made you even more of a godmod than he is?

Alice: You say that like it’s a bad thing.

Kenta: I’m not a big fan of godmodding.

Alice: Yes, your brother told me about you while we were in the waiting room, as you were interviewing AJ.  Apparently, you’re not a big fan of “kiddie romance” either.

Kenta: I-!  (Valtor, you are so dead for this . . .)  Ugh.  Look, since you were absent for about ninety-five percent of the plot, there’s not really a whole lot of things I can ask you about, since you technically weren’t there.

Alice: So can I leave?

Kenta: After this question.  When your sister went missing, how come you never called the cops, or hired a detective, or told any living soul other than Mike?

Alice: Where’s the fun in that?  Maybe I wanted to pursue it on my own.

Kenta: Doesn’t it make a difference to you when your sister’s LIFE is at stake?

Alice: There you go again, nosing into stuff that isn’t any of your business.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to looking for her.

Kenta: I thought you just said you had to get home, to do stereotypical French stuff!

Alice: I was about to.  But then you reminded me that I still haven’t found my sister yet.

Kenta: You mean you FORGOT?!

Alice: Stop yelling at me!

***

Aqua’s Interview

Valtor: Hi, Aqua.  Boy, you are truly a celebrity here.

Aqua: What can I say?  I’m just naturally popular.  Did you know I had thirty-five organizations after me?

Valtor: *Sigh* Yes, Aqua.

Aqua: Oh.  Well . . . did you know that I can transform into a dragon, and that I’m a techno-path, so I can summon an army of three thousand metal samurai and thirty pet metal dragons at any time?

Valtor: Yes, Aqua.  You wouldn’t give that a rest for a long time.

Aqua: You don’t sound impressed.  Usually people are awed by my presence.

Valtor: Well, I’m pretty tight with God, so His presence is usually the only one I’m ever awed with.

Aqua: Oh, you’re one of those Jesus freaks.  But don’t worry, I can impress you just as much as God does!  Behold, Aqua Dragon!

Valtor: . . . um . . . Aqua?

Aqua: *Confused* . . . it’s . . . it’s not working right now.  That’s strange, usually it does.  Hang on, give me a second here.

Valtor: Aqua, your powers don’t work around me.

Aqua: *Horrified* What?!  But . . . no, that can’t be true!  I’m nothing without my powers!  Except really handsome.

Valtor: My power overrides yours, that’s why you can’t transform.  Now will you just-

Aqua: Impossible!  Nobody’s power exceeds mine!  What kind of an awful creature are you?!

Valtor: Will you just calm down for a second here-?

Aqua: You’re a monster!  What kind of sick person chooses to have a power that cancels out other peoples’ powers??  That’s just wrong!

Valtor: Aqua, come on-

Aqua: I’m spiraling . . . I’m spiraling . . . *THUMP*

Valtor: Well, that sure went about as wrong as it could go.  Now I’ve gotta drag this body out of here, so that Kenta can do his next interview.  Crap, this is going to be awkward.

***

Catherine’s Interview

Kenta: Well!  If it isn’t the maker of the RPG herself, who made this review possible.  Welcome, Catherine.

Catherine: Thanks, Kenta.  You know, you didn’t have to tie me up and drag me here.  A phone call would’ve sufficed just fine.

Kenta: Okay, yes, bad idea.  But it seemed good at the time.  Anyway, um . . . what made you decide that allowing kids to have powers was a good idea?

Catherine: Well . . . I dunno . . . I guess like with you, it seemed like a good idea at the time.  The Justice League has powers, the Teen Titans have powers, a bunch of kids in Yu*Yu* Hakusho have powers, and almost every kid in Naruto has powers.  Why not here?

Kenta: Oh, so you pretty much based this idea off of popular media?

Catherine: Yeah, guess so.  But it worked, didn’t it?

Kenta: I’ll say.  Do you think it should have worked?

Catherine: Well, I certainly wasn’t counting on seventy-six pages.

Kenta: Could you have predicted what the end would be like?

Catherine: I never really gave a lot of thought to that.

Kenta: If you had to pick an ending for everyone though, what would they each get?

Catherine: Well, uh, let’s see . . . I guess I’d learn to get along better with my cat curse, and grow up into a woman who looks like the cross between Lady Subaru and Shampoo.  Luna would be more socially accepted as a half-wolf, and we’d be best friends.  Um, same with Genevieve, except for the wolf part.  Mike and Alice would eventually get married.  Terry and AJ would become friends and grow up with the job of guarding Tokyo from danger.  Same with Kyo and Kero.  Um, Jasmen and May would both get boyfriends, I guess, probably either Terry, AJ, Kyo or Kero.  Alex would . . . become a master mage, and learn to tame his dark side.  Seth would eventually be released from prison and would lead a normal life.  As for Aqua, um . . .

Kenta: . . . yes?

Catherine: I don’t know, that’s a hard one.  I . . . guess he’d just get shot by someone eventually, and be put out of his misery.

Kenta: CATHERINE!

(A/N: Betcha didn’t see that one coming.)

Catherine: Okay, somebody just possessed me and made me say something that I would never normally say.  Kenta, is this your sick idea of humor?

Kenta: Maaaaaybe.  In all seriousness though, can you think of a happy ending for him?

Catherine: Um . . . he’d end up marrying me?

Kenta: Is marriage and dating the only thing girls ever think about?

Catherine: That was a pretty sexist comment.

Kenta: Remember kids-

Catherine: Yes, I KNOW.  Geez, you’re like a broken record.

Kenta: I am?

Catherine: “Remember kids, violence and sexism are your friends.  Screw common sense, screw it.  You people need to quit giving yourselves more powers.  Don’t ask questions, everything is better when you don’t ask questions.  Oh, come ON.  Kick him in the nuts.  I’m not lying, these kids really wrote that.”  And let’s not forget that “@#$%” thing you always put up to indicate when you’re swearing.

Kenta: Wow.  I’m speechless.

Catherine: That’s not good for the interview.

Kenta: You’re right, the show must go on.  Hey, um, how’d it feel to be one of the only sane people in the midst of a bunch of godmods?  Did you ever feel threatened?

Catherine: A couple of times, but never really that badly.  Like you said, I’m the maker of Tokyo High School.  They can’t do anything too terrible to me.

Kenta: Were there ever moments in the RPG where you felt like rolling your eyes?

Catherine: Yeah, usually when people spammed or disobeyed rules.  But for the most part, it was more fun than irritating.

Kenta: (Tsk, my eyes were rolling more frequently than Cookie Monster’s on crack.)  Well Catherine, our time’s almost up, so I’ll bid you a good day.  Try not to get any sand thrown in your face on the way home.  You’ll go blind.

Catherine: I’ve got an upcoming appointment for contact lenses.  Thanks for your concern, though.

***

Genevieve’s Interview

Valtor: Boy, you’re lucky that I’m the one interviewing you, this time.

Genevieve: Why’s that?

Valtor: Because my brother wants to kill you.

Genevieve: He does?

Valtor: You should’ve seen him . . . he had garlic and a mallet and everything.

Genevieve: What did I ever to do him to deserve that?

Valtor: Well, that’s kind of what I want to talk to you about.  At the beginning of THS, you seemed to be pretty racist against humans.  How come?

Genevieve: Because humans aren’t as cool as vampires.

Valtor: . . . and-?

Genevieve: Nope, that’s it, I’m done.

Valtor: That’s hardly an excuse!

Genevieve: Since when have I needed to answer to you?  I’m just a quiet, lonely, misunderstood girl, why can’t you humans just accept that?

Valtor: I thought you said that you’d rather rot in Hell than be a vampire.

Genevieve: Yeah, was that statement badass of me or what?

Valtor: Um . . . I know a guy who actually did go to Hell.  He’s never been quite the same since he got back.  Everywhere he goes, he carries a giant lantern with him now, and he’s got a large-sized gourd of water hooked to his pants.  Oh, and he’s got dark lines under his eyes.  I don’t think he’s slept properly once since his return.

Genevieve: Wow, he needs to get a grip.

Valtor: Not giving Hell much credit here, are we?

Genevieve: Look, can we talk about something else?  And for god sakes, put that cross away.  It’s making my eyes burn.

Valtor: Oh, sorry.  Okay, anyway, you seemed to hang with other girls a lot, and every boy you encountered either got a mental or physical beating.  Why was that?

Genevieve: What are you implying?

Valtor: Nothing.  I’m just recalling what I remember.

Genevieve: Boys are dopes.  Girls are much smarter, cuter, and better-coordinated.  And we’re nicer, too.  Every boy I met seemed to want to beat a girl up.

Valtor: I’m not sure how to break this to you, but that’s not the typical guy.

Genevieve: What are you talking about?  Of course all men are morons.  Except my Joshua.

Valtor: So that’s why you only talked to Catherine and Luna, and excluded the guys?

Genevieve: Will you stop judging me?  You men are so immature!

Valtor: Sorry!  Okay, look, last question.  Why is it you feared Mitch-tachi so much, when you were clearly stronger than him in every way?

Genevieve: Because I wanted everyone to know that my villain was the toughest male antagonist character.

Valtor: Oh, so it’s kinda like Mike and his brother Anthony.

Genevieve: Who?

Valtor: What do you mean, ‘who’?  Oh that’s right, you weren’t around to see them.  All right, that’s all I have.  You can go.

Genevieve: Alright, bye.  (Sheesh, it’s not easy talking to someone when I can’t read their mind.  What is wrong with me today?)

***

Jasmen’s Interview

Kenta: Hi, Jasmen.  My brother and I forcefully dragged you here because despite how little you got to do in the plot, you stuck with the story for a good, long time.

Jasmen: Um . . . I guess I’ll take that as a compliment.

Kenta: Yeah, it’s a compliment.  Er, sorry for not using your name sooner in the THS review, but you kept speaking in first-person and it was really hard to keep track.

Jasmen: Oh, come on.  My name’s only six letters long.  It shouldn’t be that terribly difficult to remember.

Kenta: When I have to keep track of about fifteen names at a time, I think that’s an exception.  But that’s neither here nor there . . . what made you decide to join as a fire-attribute character?

Jasmen: I thought it would be a good idea, since THS was all about fighting.

Kenta: You know, it was supposed to be about a high school in Tokyo.

Jasmen: Where did you get that ridiculous idea?

Kenta: Forget it.  So, how exactly did you end up in a fight with a guy with pyrokinesis?

Jasmen: I don’t . . . really remember.  People in this world tend to stalk and/or attack each other for no reason whatsoever.  Terry did it to AJ in the bar, then later on, three guys jumped him without any motive to spur them.

Kenta: Oh.  Sorry to hear that.  So, um, during the first time that the school burned down . . . how come you entered into it expecting class, anyway?

Jasmen: I didn’t see anything wrong with it.

Kenta: . . . it was completely vacant, the walls were charred black, and the stench of smoke was drifting all throughout the building.

Jasmen: Everyone makes mistakes!  So I thought school would still be in session after it almost burned down, big deal.  Are you quite finished laughing at me?

Kenta: Sor-ry!  So, um, you’re a princess, right?

Jasmen: Of the land of Volcania.  That is correct.

Kenta: Have you ever watched Aladdin?

Jasmen: I can see where this is going.  YOU worry about copyright infringement, I’m just roleplaying to have a good time.

Kenta: Ouch.  Okay, uh, I recall that you had somewhat of a crush on Kyo . . . what exactly did you see in him?

Jasmen: Who?

Kenta: Kyo.  You know, the guy who could transform into a wolf, and a hawk, and . . . you don’t know who I’m talking about, do you.  Y’know what, I’ll just try asking about your parents.

*Jasmen starts tearing up, and her lip trembles*

Kenta: . . . or not.  Man, this is uncomfortable.  Okay, I’ll just wrap this up with a last quick question: how did you feel when a nameless villain and Aqua both broke into your house and started fighting?

Jasmen: Um . . . well, how would you feel if Orochimaru and Mike broke into YOUR house and started fighting?

Kenta: Point taken.

***

Kero’s Interview

Valtor: You know Kero, no matter how much you try, that plastic Power Ranger is not going to come to life and beat me up.

Kero: y not

Valtor: Because- (Aw, crap.  I got stuck with the kid who had The Voice . . .) Because my power cancels yours out.  And you can stop trying to send me to your doodle pad realm, too.

Kero: giv me my powrz bak

Valtor: No.  Okay, getting into the questions, why is it you decided to kill every person in school, simply because they made fun of you for carrying around a teddy bear?

Kero: tey dservd it

Valtor: So if I happened to be strolling through the hall at the time, you would have tried to kill me too?

Kero: no

Valtor: Why, what makes me so special?

Kero: u didntd mak fun of me

Valtor: Neither did ninety-nine percent of the kids in the school.

Kero: uh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . they wer meen

Valtor: Kero, why do you haul around that teddy bear everywhere you go, anyway?  It’s bound to attract unwanted attention.

Kero: i lik it

Valtor: So basically, you’d murder half the kids in the school before giving up your habit of carrying it around?

Kero: wat r u taking abot

Valtor: You didn’t understand the question.  Fine, we’ll move on to an easier one.  When Kyo used his transmutation circle rip-off from Fullmetal Alchemist to lock away your soul, you used a toy shield to replace yourself.  What on earth gave you the idea that toy shields have souls?

Kero: they dont

Valtor: According to you, they do.

Kero: i nver sed taht

Valtor: (Yes, you did . . .) Okay, how about this?  You tried to be friends with Kyo after he’d just attempted to seal your immortal soul away for all eternity.  WHY?

Kero: kyos smrt i lik smrt frends

Valtor: Satan’s smart too, you know.  And he also wants to have your soul.

Kero: reely??!?!???!? satan satan war r u ill giv u my sol if ul b my frend!!!!!!!!!!1

Valtor: (What have I done?)

***

Kyo’s Interview

Kenta: Kyo!  You’re a very typical joiner of Tokyo High School, so you’ll represent well.  Let’s see . . . your powers included the ability to transform into a hawk + ability of flight, and a wolf + the ability of speed and natural weapons, and you had telekinesis.  Oh, and you also made yourself handsome and popular.  Yes, you’re a fine representative of THS indeed.  You know, if Valtor and I hadn’t exercised all the rules of proper roleplaying on ourselves, we probably wouldn’t have been able to capture you and bring you here against your will.

Kyo: How is it you guys were able to nab me, anyway?  You tie me with ropes, yet even Mike’s steel cocoon couldn’t hold me.  What gives?

Kenta: Valtor and I discovered that you guys are just normal kids again, without your super god powers.  Anyway, I’d like to hear your story.  You first entered the school, flattering yourself by being the most popular kid in school, and having “girls drool over you.”  Then later, when Kero was smashing up the place with his demon yo-yo, you played hero and blocked him from getting at the kids.  What bothers me is that you said you despised most of the kids in the school, after just stating that they all loved you.  What’s wrong with this picture?

Kyo: Of course they thought I was cool, because I am . . . I’m very cool.  And I despise them because they’re losers.

Kenta: How can they like a person who hates them in return?  How can that possibly work?

Kyo: Well, how did Catherine become friends with Genevieve?  Answer me that.

Kenta: Look, that sort of stuff doesn’t typically happen!

Kyo: Huh.  How about that.

Kenta: (Tsk, that got us nowhere . . .) So, uh, what was with that “mysterious” man who was always trying to cage you towards the beginning?

Kyo: Hey, every cool person deserves a nemesis.  Do you have one?

Kenta: Yes, and he and I go way back.

Kyo: Wow.  I didn’t think you did.  I dunno, you just . . . don’t seem very awesome.

Kenta: I don’t exalt myself every second of my life, if that’s what you mean.

Kyo: Well, no wonder.  You really have to show everyone why you’re better than them, or you’ll never get noticed.

Kenta: Uh . . . thanks, I think.  Next question: when you found Terry on a bench in the park, why did you impulsively decide right then and there that you wanted to seal his soul away forever?

Kyo: If I have a power available for me to use, I’m gonna use it!

Kenta: Even if it involves killing someone?!  Is it worth that?

Kyo: *Shrugs* Yeah.

Kenta: *Yelling out into the waiting room* Valtor, don’t you DARE move from that spot!  Keep that power of yours going, no matter what!

Valtor: Uh, okay.  I wasn’t about to change anything.  Why, does it matter?

Kenta: IT MATTERS!

Kyo: Can I go home now?

Kenta: No, not yet.  How come you kept giving yourself more and more powers as you went on?

Kyo: Well, as I hung around THS longer, I started to realize that everyone else had also picked the “Not Normal” option when they’d signed up.  They all had powers, not just me.  So to retain my awesomeness, I had to stay ahead of them in powers.

Kenta: Why does that matter?

Kyo: They’re not as cool as me.  I deserve to have more powers than them.

Kenta: But you stopped when Mike yelled at you.

Kyo: Yeah, Mike sure yelled at me a lot.  I was afraid he’d start to rally the other RPers against me, so I got rid of my transmutation powers and my ability to generate objects with my mind.

Kenta: That still left you with no less than five convenient powers.

Kyo: Well, I can’t be cooler than everybody by having just one power.

Kenta: Ever heard of humility?

Kyo: Yeah, that’s when the weather is hot and muggy, right?

Kenta: Never mind.  Hey, why is it you never tried to fight back against Mike after all the times he abused you?  The time that he picked you up by the neck when you felt like searching for Anthony, and the time he came after you with an axe in his garage, those come to mind.

Kyo: Mike always had that darn French girl with him, who could call down storms and freeze people in their tracks, and other stuff.  They were ALWAYS together, so if I were to try and pay Mike back for his bullying, he and his girlfriend would gang up on me.

Kenta: Oh, okay.  So, how’d you enjoy being in THS?

Kyo: It was fun at first.  But then it got boring, when everyone stopped paying attention to me.  I tried to get in one last fight, but that May girl screwed it up for me.

Kenta: That’s too bad.  Well, you’re free to go after this question.  What are you going to do now?

Kyo: I think I’m gonna get into a fight with the next person I see, just to vent how I’m feeling right about now.

[Kenta.....]

Luna’s Interview

Valtor: Luna, except for Catherine, you were probably the most frequent poster in the Tokyo High School RPG.  What inspired you to keep returning so much?

Luna: The powers, of course.  I liked having powers.  They made me feel important.  And it wasn’t specified, I could be anything I wanted, really.

Valtor: Why’d you choose the ability to transform into a wolf?

Luna: Because wolves are shy, quiet, and mysterious, and suit me perfectly.

Valtor: Actually, I noticed that you had a tendency for stating aloud the obvious, which doesn’t really strike me as any of those.

Luna: When did I ever state the obvious?

Valtor: . . . do you really want me to start pulling out the quotes?  Because I will.

Luna: No, that’s okay.

Valtor: All right then . . . next question: when Catherine was a cat, you seemed to be able to tell right away that she wasn’t just a normal alley cat.  How did you know?

Luna: I don’t know.  I just knew.

Valtor: Alright, then explain to me how you could understand her cat language.

Luna: Easy.  I’m part wolf.  And everyone knows that animals all have their own language that they can understand, but humans can’t.

Valtor: I didn’t know that.

Luna: You don’t watch much television, do you?

Valtor: Usually I’m too busy going onto message boards and debating over pointless stuff for fun.

Luna: You need to get out more.

Valtor: Yeah . . . so uh, what sort of grudge did Seth and Adam hold against you?  I noticed that they always seemed to attack you for no reason, much like Catherine’s generic male villain did.

Luna: Do you always need a reason to be a bad person?

Valtor: Um, yeah.  People don’t just wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and think to themselves, “who can I screw over today?”

Luna: Well, Seth and Adam do.  That’s just how evil they are.

Valtor: How come there were never any female villains in THS?  . . . I mean, besides Genevieve?

Luna: Genevieve wasn’t evil.  Where’d you get that idea from?

Valtor: Never mind.  Um, towards the beginning, how’d you know to go to the arcade after school, where everybody else happened to be?

Luna: I just felt like going there.

Valtor: And you never felt like ever doing it again, after the eleventh page?

Luna: Nope.

Valtor: Okay.  Why did you accept Genevieve’s invitation to her house, knowing that she was an unstable vampire who’d just recently beat the crap out of Davon?

Luna: Why shouldn’t I have?

Valtor: Uh . . . because it might’ve been extremely dangerous?  Ever think of that?

Luna: Oh.  Well, nothing bad came of it.

Valtor: (Why are you still alive today?)  Hey, when Mike first started hitting on you, how’d you feel about that?

Luna: He was hitting on me?

Valtor: Next question!  Um, okay, you eventually discovered that you couldn’t be everywhere at once, right?  That was when you gave yourself the shadow teleportation power.  How did you know where to find everybody all the time?

Luna: I just did.

Valtor: Isn’t omniscience godmodding?

Luna: Tell that to your hypocrite brother.

Kenta: *From the other room* I HEARD THAT!

Valtor: Alright, moving on, you seemed to ditch school a lot . . . how come you never got caught?

Luna: You observed how unbelievably stupid the teachers and principal were, right?

Valtor: You know, that’s the first satisfactory answer you’ve given me, thus far.

Luna: Yeah, well, here’s a question for YOU.  I overheard you saying I had invincibility powers in the RPG.  Well, so do you.  What’s your excuse?

Valtor: The omnipotent God that protects me whenever my life’s in danger.  And you?

Luna: My omnipotent god, Eeveot, protects me too.  So there.

Valtor: I guess you showed me.  Okay, next question: you trespassed into peoples’ houses twice in the RPG, as a wolf the second time.  Why did you do that?

Luna: That’s where the action was at the time.

Valtor: Do you know what most people do when a stranger sneaks into their house?  They reach under the bed, pull out the twin-barrel shotgun, and- *Valtor makes a “boom” motion with his hands*

Luna: I knew these people.  They wouldn’t hurt me.

Valtor: Apparently, I need to remind you that the people in question here were MIKE AND AQUA.  Do you see where I’m going with this?

Luna: Not really.

Valtor: Mm-hm.  ‘Kay, we’ve already extended our time limit here, so I’ve got one more question for you.  Where did you get the strength to knock over six trees in a row?

Luna: Don’t tell anybody, but they were actually just stage props.

Valtor: Really?!

Luna: Yep.  Well, I’d better go.  I’m sensing a fight about three or four miles east of here, and I want in on it . . . I’d better hurry though, bye!

***

May’s Interview

Kenta: May, I understand that you weren’t one of the dominant main characters in THS, despite sticking with the storyline for as long as you did.  How did you react when you found out that Tokyo High School had nothing to do with a high school in Tokyo?

May: I didn’t really know how to react.  I just . . . kinda . . . went with the flow.

Kenta: I imagine that must’ve been easy for you, since you gave yourself the ability to control the very fabric of time itself.

May: It’s a good thing I did, or I’d never have survived.

Kenta: You can say that again.  The den of godmods is a dangerous place.  Alright, you came into the story rather late, but I remember that one of your first actions was rescuing Kyo from the sinister clutches of Alice and Mike.  What made you do it?

May: Well, they did sort of nail his four paws to the ground.  I couldn’t just ignore that.

Kenta: So you definitely thought Alice and Mike were bad guys?

May: Well, yeah.  I’m pretty sure the people who drove nails through Jesus’s hands and feet were no Mr. Rogers themselves.

Kenta: Gotcha.  You seemed to be a fighter against the forces of evil throughout this roleplay.  Various times, you split up fights, and tried to save people from harm.  A question though: when you were watching Terry and AJ fight for the third time in a row, Luna suddenly shadow-teleported up next to you in wolf form.  You didn’t freak out, why?

May: I didn’t know she was a wolf.  I thought she was a regular person.

Kenta: Wait, so let me get this straight . . . you rescued Kyo when he was a wolf, but you couldn’t tell that Luna was a wolf when she popped up beside you out of nowhere?

May: I was absorbed in the fight.

Kenta: You were . . . ?!  Hold on, what about just the fact that Luna suddenly materialized before you out of the shadows?  Didn’t that give you the willies, even a little?

May: No.

Kenta: Wow.  That’s . . . impossibly fearless of you.  Although it does explain why you had the backbone to fight Terry, when he came after you for butting in on his battle.

May: Who was Terry again?

Kenta: The guy with all the knives and pointy objects.  Everyone called him “dagger boy.”

May: Oh, yeah, that guy.  I had a couple of encounters with him.

Kenta: After he slashed you up in your first battle, you came after him again during his Tokyo rampage.  Remember that?  That was the time he went on a killing spree, and slaughtered about ten-thousand-some civilians.  What possessed you to challenge him again, at that point??

May: He was murdering everyone, and I had to do something.  And I had psychic powers, so I used ‘em to fling him against a tree.  I forget, did that knock him out?

Kenta: No.  He got right back up and punted you out of the way like a chihuahua.

May: Oh.

Kenta: You sure were proud of your psychic powers, weren’t you?  Valtor and I noticed you talked about those all the time, and even used them to do as simple a job as sweeping up broken glass.

May: Well, I wasn’t about to cut my fingers open picking it up with my bare hands.

Kenta: Oh, good point.  I’m surprised you bothered to do it at all.

May: Yeah, I’m a good Samaritan.  Hey, what time is it?  Pokemon is almost on!

Kenta: What do you care?  You can do anything you want with time!  You could take the scenic route home through the park, stop at the store on your way, and STILL make it back with ten minutes to spare.  Um, by the way, who’s your favorite Pokemon character?

May: *Points to self*

***

Mike’s Interview

Mike: I’m not even kidding anymore.  If you don’t release me from this rope in five seconds . . .

Valtor: It’s a necessary precaution.  Sorry Mike.

Mike: You untied Aqua for HIS interview!

Valtor: Well, he became harmless right towards the end of the story.

Mike: So did I!

Valtor: Dude, you were under so much stress that your hair turned white at age nineteen.  No, we’re not untying you.

Mike: Kenta’s hair is white!

Valtor: He dyed it.  There’s a difference.  Now just shut up for a second and let me think!  Okay, first question: when you originally joined, you gave yourself the power to turn metals from solid, to liquid, to gas.  Yet later on, you expanded it out to complete physical control over all things metal, the ability to sense anything metal at all coming towards you, and the power to manipulate even tungsten itself, the most adamant of all metallic objects.

Mike: What’s your point?

Valtor: I’m getting there!  Anyway, you yelled at a lotta people throughout the RPG, telling them to quit godmodding.  Did you ever take a good look at yourself?

Mike: I wasn’t yelling at them.  I was just calmly telling them to knock it off.

Valtor: I find that hard to believe, coming from a guy who enjoys flinging innocent cheerleaders’ lunch trays over their heads, making lockers ram into peoples’ faces, half-strangling folks with their own neckwear, bending up-

Mike: Look, you can stop now.  What have you got against me?  I don’t even know you.

Valtor: Erm . . . I’m not actually supposed to be chewing you out right now, I’m really supposed to stick with the interview.  So uh, why’d you choose to be a bully?

Mike: I don’t think it was bullying.  Those cheerleaders were snooty and deserved a little pranking.  As for the guy at the lockers, he was a bully with a pierced lip.  He also deserved a good whack in the face.  And I didn’t strangle Catherine, I just melded an “M” onto her necklace.  I wasn’t doing anything wrong . . . what’s that in your hand?

Valtor: An alphabetized catalog.  I decided that keeping track of your crimes would be easier if they were properly organized in a book.  *Flips to a random page* Let’s see . . . this was the time where you blew off the caps of the local area fire hydrants.  *Flips* And here’s the time you strangled Kyo half to death with your tungsten gloves. *Flips* Ah, here it is, my personal favorite.  Behold, Tokyo’s one and only fire truck, which you flipped over just for the sake of fun.  It could have saved Tokyo High School from burning down, twice.  Check it out, I even took a picture afterwards.

http://www.firerescue1.com/data/Images/LODD_Chicagofire.jpg

Mike: 0_0;

Valtor: See, THIS is why you’re tied up.

Mike: Oh my god . . . I had no idea.  What have I done?!?

Valtor: Stated like a true Magneto fan.

Mike: I’m a monster . . .

Valtor: Hoo boy, this is getting awkward.  What am I going to do when it’s Terry’s turn?

***

Seth’s Interview

Kenta: Hey, hey!  Seth, what’s up buddy?

Seth: Hi, Kenta.  You seem to be in a good mood.

Kenta: That’s because the work my slave-driver creator forced me to do is almost over.  Also, you were my favorite character at the end.

Seth: Oh, thank you.  You know, I cashed in that coupon you gave me, but I never did get my free Internet.

Kenta: You didn’t?  Musta been a fake . . . well anyway, don’t think I’m gonna go easy on you in this interview, just ‘cause I like you.

Seth: Sure.  Bring it on, knave.

Kenta: Alright, first question.  When you went to the Subway nearby the high school for lunch, how come you climbed onto the roof, where all the bird poop is?

Seth: I didn’t know that there was bird poop up there.

Kenta: Well, here’s a quick fact of life for ya: birds do not have Barbie-sized toilets in their trees, to do their business.  So-

Seth: -they find the nearest car windshield and let ‘r rip.

Kenta: And anywhere else they feel like making brownies.  Well, never mind that.  Next question- how come you alone were being chased by a bunch of Hawaiian scientists, when there were about thirty thousand people in Tokyo who, like you, had super powers?

Seth: Again, I didn’t know.  I couldn’t be bothered to read fifty or so pages, like you did.

Kenta: *Sniff* That was harsh, dude.  Now I feel like a loser.

Seth: Stealing quotes from Naruto the Abridged Series doesn’t really help your cause much, either.

Kenta: Alright, fine, I’ll stick with my own ideas.  Speaking of which, shortly after your first encounter with Mike, you ran into a robber and managed to stop his bullets when he fired them at you.  Did Mike rub off on you at all, by then?

Seth: Of course no-! . . . well . . . maybe he did.  It’s contagious.

Kenta: That’s what I thought.  Okay, moving on, how did you know the cosmic chances of a meteor crashing into Mike’s house?

Seth: Because I’m the only character in the RPG who doesn’t screw common sense.

Kenta: I knew there was a reason you were my favorite!  Hey, when you and Terry got in your first and only fight, you were kicking his butt pretty bad.  Then Luna commanded you to quit it, and Terry told her to go home in response.  How’d that feel, to have the guy you were fighting stand up for you?

Seth: Uhhhhh . . . sorta weird.  But flattering.

Kenta: Was that what convinced you to become a villain?

Seth: Oh, uh, no.  That would be Aqua’s doing.

Kenta: Aqua?

Seth: Yeah, he made complete idiots of all the villains he introduced.  So I decided it was high time someone evened the odds.  Predictably enough, he came after me as soon as I started wreaking havoc . . . and that’s when I let him have it.

Kenta: And then following, you burned down the high school again.

Seth: Yep.  If it hadn’t been summer, I would’ve been the hero of two hundred or so kids.

Kenta: Wait, aren’t there more like a thousand of them in the high school?

Seth: For someone who’s been following the plot the whole time, you’re not terribly observational, are you?  Kero killed about half of them, and I’m sure Terry rubbed out a good chunk, himself.

Kenta: Ah, good point.  Well, you left the RPG in flying colors, getting hauled off to prison and everything.  If you’d stuck around, where would you have been?

Seth: Probably in a tight-security facility, finding ways to make threatening phone calls to people I know.

Kenta: That would’ve been amusing to watch.

Seth: Yup . . .

Kenta: Well, I can’t think of anything else to say.  Guess we’ll end it now.

Seth: M’kay.  Take it easy, Kenta.  I’m off to go burn down another forest. *Pulls out a tape recorder, clicks on Sesshoumaru’s Theme and leaves in slow-motion*

***

Terry’s Interview

Valtor: Welcome in, Ryu.

Terry: Uh . . . my name’s Terry.

Valtor: You sure you don’t want it to be Ryu?

Terry: Why ‘Ryu’?

Valtor: Because you’re the guy who turned Tokyo High School into Street Fighter RPG.

Terry: I sure did, didn’t I?  How many fights was I in, anyway?

Valtor: Let’s see here . . .
Terry VS. Mike, I.  “Tack” incident.  Winner: Mike
Terry VS. Catherine.  “Terry-needs-a-guide” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. AJ, I.  “Drunken brawl” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. AJ, II.  “Abandoned factory” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. Luna, I.  “Abandoned factory” incident.  Winner: Luna
Terry VS. a car.  “150 mph collision” incident.  Winner: car
Terry VS. Mike, II.  “2 mph dagger” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. Three Nameless Nobodies.  “Attack-for-no-reason” incident.  Winner: Luna
Terry VS. Ice-attribute Nameless Nobody.  “Pursuit” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. Fire-attribute Nameless Nobody.  “Rescue Kyo & Jasmen” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. Kero.  “Drugstore robbery” incident.  Winner: Kero
Terry VS. Kero & Kyo.  “Hands off my soul” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. Alex, I.  “I could kick your ass in five seconds” incident.  Winner: Alex
Terry VS. AJ, III. “Dying for a fight” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. May, I.  “Interrupted fight” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. Luna, II.  “Angry wolf Luna” incident.  Winner: Luna
Terry VS. Alex, II.  “Forest brawl” incident.  Winner: Nobody- Aqua spoils it
Terry VS. Mike & Alice.  “Everyone freeze” incident.  Winner: Mike & Alice
Terry VS. Unknown force.  “???” incident.  Winner: Unknown force
Terry VS. thousands of innocent civilians.  “Tokyo Massacre” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. May, II.  “Playing hero- failure” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. Ice.  “Normal people are pitiful” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. Mike, III.  “Don’t-call-me-Dagger-Boy” incident.  Winner: Mike
Terry VS. Luna, III. “Hundred dagger dodge” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. Catherine & Luna.  “Backed into a corner” incident.  Winner: Terry
Terry VS. Seth.  “You’ll pay for this” incident.  Winner: Seth- just before Aqua butts in
Terry VS. a dog that won’t shut up.  “Dead dog” incident.  Winner: Look, the dog’s DEAD.

Terry: Holy crap in a pita . . . twenty-seven fights!

Valtor: Yeah, and you won fifteen of them.  Of course, some of them you barely won, and some you completely dominated.

Terry: Dude, I could turn THS into a video game!  And I’d be the main character, and the people I fought more than once could be optional characters, and Aqua could be the final boss . . .

Valtor: Can we get back to the interview, please?  And by the way, if Aqua were the final boss, you’d never win that game.

Terry: I could if you were one of the optional characters.

Valtor: Why is it you got into so many fights, anyway?

Terry: Weren’t you the guy who was always saying that violence and sexism are your friends?

Valtor: No, that’s Kenta.  But I get your point.

Terry: Yep.  Ol’ Sigmund Freud knows his stuff.

Valtor: Yeah, he does.  Uhhhhh . . . I guess that’s all I have.

Terry: I can go?  Excellent!  Well then, I’m off to find Aqua and see how I wager against him.  Wish me luck!

Valtor: Aqua’s feeling a bit under the weather right now.  Shouldn’t you wait-?

Terry: Sorry, can’t hear you, bye now! *Slams door*

***

Kenta: Well, that’s it.  The actual Tokyo High School RPG died without much of a conclusion, but hopefully you viewers out there gained some satisfaction out of this ending.

Valtor: Keep up the hard work, RPers!  And maybe someday, we might give your roleplays a review, too.

Kenta: Yeah- WHAT?!  Valtor, I’m tired!  I want a rest!

Valtor: Goodbye, everybody!  Thanks for watching!  Kenta, put that nail gun down.

[Picard]

Pure awesome, Kenta.

[Elize]

I just had to reread it over again. xD I've learned a lot from this.

Catherine: Like what?

People love to keep adding power after power even if it isn't in their Registration sheet.

Catherine: That's it?

No. People just love to godmod. Well, depends on the person.

Catherine: Why didn't you make me a godmod?

You're a cat. You can't possible get any other power.

Catherine: Super Speed? Super Jump?

Just shut up already... Like I said, I learned a lot from this. Glad to get that noobish experience away from me. If I ever made another one of this (hopefully not, but it depends), it would be so much better and no more godmods. YES! NO MORE GODMODS!

Anyway, awesome review Kenta. Glad my noobish RP gave an idea to you. ^^