A Doctrine Requiring Real Faith

In the beginning, God created the Big Bang. And the universe was without form, and void; and darkness was prevalent upon the face of deep space. And the Spirit of God moved upon the universe, and yearned to bring about a creation. But He desired that it be done through naturalistic means, for He was supernatural, and to simply make a supernatural creation was too easy.

And God said “Let there be an explosion and rapid expansion of matter, to create the galaxies!” And nothing happened, because there was no original matter to expand. And God realized right from the beginning that He would have to make an exception to naturalism and use His powers just this one time. And so God waved His magic wand, and created a massive explosion. And God saw that the Big Bang was good, for it served as an entertaining light show to Him.

And God anticipated orderly solar systems from the chaos of the Big Bang, but found none to His dismay, save one very unusual exception. And it pleased the LORD God greatly to see that of the nine planets (or eight; for God could not make up His mind whether the one called Pluto counted), the third planet from the sun held a remarkably stable temperature. From His wonderful discovery, the LORD God thus decided to create life on this planet, so that one day its inhabitants might marvel at His creation. And God called the planet “earth.”

In those days, the earth was not yet fit for life. Volcanoes constantly vomited seething lava, and poisonous chemicals burst from all the crevices of the land. And God made a note-to-self in His holy pocket journal of the events that took place, so that one day He might inspire such imagery in a certain Disney movie for children full of subliminal messages. And God watched the earth form for a billion years, and more oft than not, would glance wearily at the watch on His mighty wrist.

And after a billion years had passed, God declared the time for life “close enough.” And God fixed His eyes upon a certain chemical pool on the earth, which He blessed and called the sacred “Primordial Soup.” This was a most holy spot from which life would emerge, and God laid down the conditions for life. Chemicals called “amino acids” were to form into “proteins,” and these proteins would bond together to create a “cell,” the first living thing.

Of the twenty-score amino acids, God declared twenty suitable for life, and protein-making. Of the twenty, only left-handed acids could be used for life, for God considered right-handed ones an abomination. For their bonding, God required peptide bonds for all, so that the chain forming the protein would be most holy. Five hundred of these sacred amino acids required He to make a suitable protein. Three hundred of these proteins declared He for the making of a living cell, though the minimum number to suffice could be two hundred, thirty and eight. And it was so.

And God added up the probability of one suitable protein being made by the conditions He had set. His mighty calculator revealed a chance of one in ten to the nine hundred and fiftieth power. And God did groan with much sorrow in His heart, knowing that any event with less chance than one in ten to the fiftieth power had a virtually zero percent chance of happening naturally. And God bore in mind that this did not even include the probability of all the suitable proteins being together at one time.

A billion years God could wait, but not this long. And thus, God removed His magical remote control from His pocket and did fast-forward the chemical bondings which took place within the holy Primordial Soup. Even with His fast-forward, God’s wait for a suitable protein was an indescribably long one, which He endured with much suffering and tears. Yet God persevered, and after a seemingly infinite amount of time, far beyond thirty billion years, He did finally find a single suitable protein bound together by pure chance. But before He could rejoice, the hydrolysis effect of the Primordial Soup tore the protein apart. And it repented the LORD that He had ever considered starting life by naturalistic means, and it grieved Him at His heart.

And the will of God was broken, and He waved His magic wand so that all the proteins needed for life would assemble at once. And it was so; a cell was made. Yet with all the natural conditions fulfilled, yet still was there no life in the cell. But God, who was out of patience, waved His magic wand a second time, and immediately the cell lived. And God saw the cell that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. But for the sake of the cell’s safety in the dangerous chemicals of the Primordial Soup, God erected a protective force field around it so that it would not die.

And God said unto the cell, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it.” Thus did the cell do, and asexually reproduced into a countless multitude of cells, all of which God protected from the dangers of the Primordial Soup. And when He was satisfied that the cells would not be destroyed, God waved His magic wand and took down their force fields.

And the cells began to mutate from their interactions with the environment, and many died instantly from the harmful mutations, for their irreducible complexity could not handle such drastic changes. And it grieved the LORD to see that all of the living beings He had nurtured were dying before His eyes, and He brandished His magic wand to help them. Once more did God go directly against nature, and made the mutations beneficial instead of harmful.
Thus did the cells continue to live, and mutated so that they transitioned into all sorts of different forms. And with the LORD’s help, they became a multitude of creatures with such features as eyes and mouths. And though they did not need them, God developed in them two distinct sets of sexual organs. Male and female created He them, both at the exact same time, since no natural reason existed for them to simultaneously become sexual on their own. And God remembered His promise to Himself to let creation grow naturalistically, and drew the line after the invention of male and female.

And the multi-cellular organisms increased in number and size, and they continued to change into increasingly complex creatures. And some found favor in the eyes of the LORD, but other transitional forms were ill-favored of Him for their vile appearance. And so the face of the LORD was against these particular creatures, so that even when they died, He removed their very bones from the earth. Even the transitions between the Thecodonts and the rest of the mighty dinosaurs He wiped away, save for a small remnant of fossils that God overlooked.

And God saw that the greatness of dinosaurs was common in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of their minds was only to dominate smaller creatures continually. For a hundred, threescore and five million years He suffered them, then punished them with His divine wrath by way of multiple volcanic eruptions and a mighty meteor. Thus did most of the dinosaurs die out, leaving only the smaller ones remaining.

Thus said the Lord to the remaining dinosaurs: “Behold what I have done to your once-proud reign on earth. You have boasted of your size to all you came across, and the smaller things that creepeth along the ground, you have trodden underfoot in your pride. You have said in your hearts ‘who is like us, who shall ever challenge our superior might?’ Therefore, cursed is your seed. I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that as surely as I live, your children shall be amongst the smallest of the animals. They shall flee by wing lest they be trampled, as you, their ancestors, have trampled others. I, the LORD, have spoken.”

And it was so; many of the surviving dinosaurs grew feathers and decreased in size over their generations. But the LORD continued to hate the unsightly transitional forms, and vanished their bones from the ground when they were dead. Even their feathers He took away, leaving utterly nothing in the ground but the last dinosaurs. The only relevance between the two remained their general shapes, and rare fossils like Archeoteryx, which the LORD overlooked by mistake.

And threescore and five million more years of evolution passed, with each generation of creatures benefitting from positive mutation effects. And God repented not of His habit of vanishing all the transitional fossils He found unsightly. And as skeletons continued to build from the number of the dead, God took care to vanish them every million years, lest there be no room in the ground left for soil.

Now in this time, a certain race of creatures was evolving very unusually. And God looked, and behold, there were creatures called humans, who, unlike their ape ancestors, were naked and without warm fur. They had no natural weapons, nor did they bear offspring capable of surviving soon after birth. Yet longer were their life spans than those of most other creatures, and they survived with their unique abilities of abstract thought.

And the LORD God said, “Behold, the man is becoming even as I am, to know abstract thought. And now, lest he evolve further and attempt to overcome me with his abilities . . .” Therefore the LORD God waved His magic wand and removed His influence upon mutations, and they became naturally harmful once more. And for the next two hundred thousand years, homo sapien man continued to use abstract thought to his advantage, though it never truly got him anywhere until right around the time he learned to record history. This occurred in the last ten thousand years of the two hundred thousand, and it was in this same time period that man suddenly advanced beyond all recognition, and populated the whole earth.

And it was these humans who finally noticed God’s creation of the universe, and the LORD was well-pleased at this. But although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him. Instead, their thoughts turned to worthless things of their own making such as Christianity, and their senseless hearts were darkened. And God was angry with them for thinking ignorant thoughts, such as how the lilies of the field were supposed to be beautiful on purpose instead of by chance. For the LORD Himself knew of the lilies, and pretty though they were, they had been an accident of His naturalistic evolution, not a deliberate effort by a god they had made up. And their lies detested Him greatly.

In the twenty-second year of the reign of Queen Victoria of England, the LORD blessed man with the knowledge of truth. Charles of England, in his holy text “On The Origin of Species,” declared to all humans the true works of the LORD. And God blessed the people who became believers in evolution, for great was their faithfulness, considering the mediocrity of evolution’s probability. They alone understood His original desire to create everything by naturalistic means. Therefore, the LORD blessed the evolutionists with high stature in society and the praise of many men. But for the ones who believed not, God promised them reprimand through much scorn and ridicule by the men who did believe. And to this day, He has kept this promise. Who, therefore, can question what He has done? What fool dares yet to speak out against the only true faith, evolution?