Kenta: Welcome back to Bobbing for Lobsters, the show where we interview- . . . Valtor, what’s with the metal detector?
Valtor: The backstage staff tipped me off about a security breaching of some sort.
Kenta: You’re worried about a guy with a gun coming in here and blowing us away? Dude, we’re not that popular. Now Hannah Montana, she could stand to be a little more concerned about assassination attempts. You, on the other hand, don’t you believe that you’re going to see Jesus if you die?
Valtor: Yeah, but there’s still a lot of junk left in life that I want to do first.
Kenta: We’re not going to die. Have you forgotten who today’s guest is? *Ahem* Ladies and gentlemen! Wake up and get excited for Merlin Durai!
*Applause sound effect goes off, Merlin enters stage left*
Merlin: Oh, no! Were they sleeping? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll come back another time-
Kenta: They’re up now, Merlin. Don’t worry about it.
Girl from the Audience: That’s Merlin? Why are there so many long-haired guys on this show?
Merlin: She’s pretty observative. I suppose the maker of the show has a fetish for long hair, for men and women alike.
Kenta: NO! No. That’s not it. Hair length symbolizes life experience. Everybody knows that!
Merlin: If you say so. *Sits down contentedly in the Hot Seat*
Kenta: Hey, I didn’t say you could sit there yet.
Merlin: I’ve watched the first two episodes, Kenta. I’m familiar with how it goes.
Kenta: Then quit being so comfortable!
Merlin: But this one has soft cushions. It’s much better than the last one that got burned to a cinder in the previous episode.
Kenta: *Turning on Valtor* Why did you order this one with cushions?
Valtor: It was on sale at Sears for 20% off! I had to nab it!
Kenta: Couldn’t we have at least ripped off the cushions before the show, though? The Hot Seat isn’t supposed to be a happy place.
Valtor: (Just between you and me, I don’t think we’re going to be able to pierce Merlin’s mental defenses anyway.)
Kenta: (Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Why can’t we?)
Valtor: Well, for starters, I think he’s fallen asleep.
Kenta: What . . . ? Wake up!
Merlin: Oh, dear. I’m terribly sorry, how rude of me.
Kenta: (Look at that smirk. He’s clearly trying to beat me at my own game.)
Valtor: (“Trying to”?)
Merlin: You look flustered, Kenta. Is everything okay? Would you like a drink?
Kenta: No. Alright, I’m just gonna read over your profile now. You’re both our oldest and second-oldest character, middle age in appearance, but in reality- how old are you?
Merlin: I’m forty-three.
Kenta: Come on. Seriously. How old are you?
Merlin: Okay, you got me. I’m really forty-seven.
Valtor: He’s not going to tell us, Kenta. Just move on.
Kenta: *Grumble* Instead of wise-ass, you’re titled a “mentor” in nearly all your stories. Also- *Looks closely at paper* . . . you’re an A-class entity?
Valtor: He’s even stronger than Ryushune.
Merlin: Really? Do I look dangerous to you?
Kenta: . . . and it says you’re a phoenix. Whenever somebody kills you, you’re forced into that immortal form, until your bodily restoration is complete. *Looks up* Based on that, you’ve obviously got many more years of wisdom than us mortal humans. Care to say something wise?
Merlin: Isn’t that part of the show later? *Distracted* I really like this chair. How much did you pay for it?
Kenta: *Pissed* Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy! It’s time for questions, and I’m going to ask something that the Creator doesn’t even know the answer to!
Merlin: All right.
Kenta: Alright! Why is it that your hair’s black, but your daughter Kristora’s is blue?
Merlin: That’s easy. She takes after her mother, genetically.
Valtor: Mrs. Durai had naturally blue hair?
Merlin: You’ve never watched Please Teacher, have you?
Valtor: I survived three quarters of the way into the first episode. Then cleavage exploded out of nowhere, and . . . y’know, I’m not supposed to look at naughty things.
Merlin: My point is, Mizuho had pink hair, and so did her mother.
Kenta: That’s because they were aliens.
Merlin: Okay, bad anime reference. What about in Yu-Gi-Oh, where Bakura’s father has blue hair, but his is white?
Kenta: What about it?
Merlin: Is it genetic? Do they dye their hair for kicks? You’re part of the White-Haired Kids Club, Kenta, surely you guys have discussed this already.
Kenta: No, we usually talk about girls.
Merlin: What, you mean there aren’t any ladies in there?
Kenta: Let’s see . . . *Counts off fingers* Bakura, Enzan, Kabuto, Riku- wait, Riku quit. Brendan, Eyes Rutherford, Haru . . . nope.
Valtor: Wait, how did we get onto this subject? Why are you talking about hair so much? And why’s Merlin the one asking the questions?
Merlin: It’s fun to ask the questions!
Kenta: (F@#$!)
Merlin: What’s your natural hair color, Kenta?
Kenta: Okay, that’s enough! I’ll ask the questions. Merlin, whenever you die and revert to phoenix form, don’t your clothes burn off?
Merlin: Ah yes, but I always take care to remove my trench coat before dying. Then I can put it back on afterwards, and modestly cover up everything.
Valtor: How do you know when to do that?
Merlin: Life experience, as Kenta mentioned before. It’s rather embarrassing to turn up naked to your comrades, after burning all your clothes away.
Kenta: (HAH!) How many times has that happened before?
Merlin: Twice.
Valtor: You’re . . . not embarrassed to admit that?
Merlin: Should I be embarrassed about something that is out of my control?
Kenta: You’re not making this easy.
Merlin: Would you like me to become a fool? I’ll try, if you really want me to.
Kenta: No way! I’m going to get you with something before this is all over!
Valtor: I’d better ask the next one. What’s in all those pockets of your trench coat?
Merlin: Oh, just some collectables from the Periodic Table of Elements, a few plant seeds, and a new pair of glasses.
Kenta: How much does that weight?
Merlin: I’d offer you to try it on and find out, but regrettably, some of the things in here are fragile.
Kenta: That coat weighs a ton, doesn’t it.
Merlin: Watching you collapse under it would’ve been amusing. But I set a terrible example with my cruelty.
Valtor: I would’ve peed myself laughing.
Kenta: Remember the Aqua Self-Image incident? You’ve done it before.
Merlin: Refrain from doing so again, if you can.
Valtor: I’ll be careful.
Kenta: M’kay. Final question, then we’ll roll the clip.
Merlin: Go on.
Kenta: Do you have to eat? Like, ever?
Merlin: Technically, no. But I do it gladly. Why do you ask?
Kenta: Does that mean you poop?
Merlin: Kenta!
Valtor: You WOULD ask something like that, Kenta!
Kenta: Oh c’mon, we’re all adults here.
Kid from the Audience: Haaaaa ha ha ha ha! He said poop!
Merlin: Honestly, I’m surprised at you. But if you want to know so badly, yes.
Kenta: Oh.
Valtor: (Are you satisfied?) We’re moving on. It’s time for “Roll The Clip,” and Kenta’s the one who picked this memorable incident of Merlin’s. Let’s get ‘r revved up.
*Clip Starts*
“Stay away from my daughter.”
The voice came from the doorway, and everyone turned to look at the newcomer. Kenta recognized the voice, but not the fury behind it. Standing there with his glasses removed and his trench coat over his shoulder, was Merlin Durai. Voivode tossed the Songbreeze’s broken blade aside and strode towards the doorway; towards Merlin. “How many more of you are going to survive my vampires and get through to my chamber?” he asked curtly, levitating slightly off the ground. Merlin closed his eyes. “Many more will survive. The battle is almost over.” He opened them again, and Kenta wondered if he was seeing correctly. Merlin’s eyes no longer had pupils, but glowed brilliantly with a shining golden aura. “But no more will need to come in here.”
Voivode froze at seeing the eyes, and for a moment, Kenta thought he detected fear from the crusnik. A moment later, it was gone. Voivode’s fangs lengthened from his mouth, and powerful negative energy pulsated from his body. “You’re not a human, are you?” he said smoothly, in a deeper and more forbidding voice. “I’d say you’re not even a Secondary.” He watched with great interest as Merlin’s back began to illuminate gold. “But should the question be what you are . . . or who you are?”
He really is a phoenix, thought Kenta excitedly, watching in fascination as the golden wings finished materializing on Merlin’s back.
“Both questions hardly matter,” Merlin replied, dropping his trench coat to the floor and approaching Voivode. “All I wish to know is what the end of this day brings.”
Voivode smiled darkly. “Let’s find out.”
The two of them disappeared from sight, then two light spheres suddenly smashed into each other at the center of the room. The impact sent out bursts of battle energy from both fighters, a suffocating negative force from Voivode, and an overwhelming, powerful warmth from Merlin. The spheres broke apart, then shot past one another before pounding off the walls and passing by again. A second later, two great holes burst open in the walls, sending stone fragments flying and letting in the dim light from outside. Finding his legs again, Kenta stumbled to his feet and pulled Kristora and Ryushune back until they were against the wall. “Stay low,” he said over another explosion. “We have to be as insignificant as possible.”
A whirlwind had appeared at the center of the room, and for a brief moment, Merlin and Voivode appeared within it, their bodies twisted out of usual proportion. Then they had vanished again, and the middle floor and ceiling exploded, throwing chunks of rock everywhere. A burst of heat energy emitted from a corner of the room, turning the floor to instant glass. Immediately, the great glass shard was cracked down the middle by something, and the halves separated and spun in two random directions. One slid very close to where Kenta’s little party crouched, and Kenta looked at it in wonder. Embossed upon it was half a human footprint. *Clip shuts off*
Valtor: Hey, what gives?! I was really getting into that!
Kenta: You’re just going to have to purchase a copy of M.A.G.I.C. Number when it comes out in 2011.
Valtor: You selfish bast- *Slaps hands to mouth in horror*
Kenta: VALTOR! I heard that! Where the hell are your manners?!
Merlin: Um . . . excuse me. That scene’s rather misrepresentative of me.
Kenta: Yeah, but isn’t it the most bad-ass thing ever?
Merlin: But I’m not normally like that.
Kenta: Would you rather I showed the clip of you crying your eyes out on your bed?
Merlin: That’s hitting below the belt, Kenta.
Valtor: Kenta, how dumb are you?! Why do you keep provoking absolute powerhouses to anger? Don’t you remember what happened last time?
Kenta: That was the Guy From The Sidelines, not me.
Valtor: You probably pushed Ryushune nine-tenths of the way to his dragon from.
Kenta: Ooh, that reminds me, it’s time for Character Comparisons! Ryushune, our last episode’s guest, was compared to Balmung, Squall, and Sanosuke! The results are in, and the majority of the votes say . . . Balmung of the Azure Sky!
Merlin: The Creator was a big fan of .Hack// during the time Ryushune was born. When he discovered the Manakete species, Ryushune was all set to go.
Kenta: Ryushune’s just the strong and silent type, I suppose. I think at one time, the Creator tried to make me like that.
Valtor: Pfft, we’ve all seen how that turned out.
Kenta: Oh, shut up. We’re moving on to the new canon pick. Ladies and gentlemen, would you say that Merlin Durai is most like . . .
A. Albus Dumbledore from the Harry Potter series?
B. Dr. Tofu from Ranma 1/2?
C. Or Professor Charles Xavier from X-men?
Don’t forget, your pick will be revealed on the show's next episode!
Merlin: Actually, my personality has already been adopted. I’m from Phoenix Rising, and Michael Anastas is the only person who really owns any rights to my character.
Kenta: . . . does the Creator really need to repeat what a dirty-rotten thief he is? He’s done it countless times, in almost every RPG we’ve ever been in.
Valtor: Besides, weren’t you a lot more angry and **** in that book?
Merlin: The Creator would like to think that I survived the attack between Ho-oh and Wraith. He’s currently attempting to convince everyone that I withdrew into his imaginary Herron Region, where I had a boy named Justus who-
Kenta: Ssh! Don’t spoil it now!
Valtor: It’s time for the Words of Wisdom for today. Merlin, got something?
Merlin: Um, I did, but I forgot. Can I quote them at the end of the show?
Valtor: Sure, why not? Charlie! Mail time!
*The squeaking of wheelbarrow wheels can be heard, Charlie enters with his usual load of letters*
Charlie: (Burning the building didn’t work last time . . . gonna have to think up something else . . .)
Kenta: Candy Mountain, Charlie!
*Charlie dashes offscreen, holding his ears*
Merlin: Well. That was rather inconsiderate of his feelings.
Valtor: Let’s just look into the mail . . . I see Charlie brought us the wrong batch today.
Kenta: I’m opening the first letter to Merlin. "Dear Merlin Durai:
Any particular reason, back in the forest outside of Konoha, you took Kristora and ran like a coward leaving the other whiners and I to face down Oroki? I still can't go near shadows, man!
JACKASS!!!!!!!!
~Saiko Uchiga.
P.S: Tell Levian I like his sisters by the way."
Merlin: *Adamantly* Priorities come first.
Kenta: I’m actually with Merlin on this one. Who do you save first, the genins with as much potential as the Hokage himself as a child, or the helpless, not-ninja, only daughter, MY fiancée, Kristora? *Points directly at the camera* Suck on that, Saiko! Oh, and I’m not going to tell Levian you like his sisters!
Levian’s Voice: *From offstage* What? There’s another psycho after my sisters?
Kenta: F@#$.
Valtor: *Loudly* “Dear Merlin,
Short and sweet, you kick ass.
-A.M.”
Merlin: I do?
Kenta: See? See? I was right to pick that video clip after all!
Valtor: You suck. “Dear Bobbing For Lobsters-” Hey, this one’s directed at our staff!
“I have reason to believe that Kenta's hair is a sewn-on wig. While perusing the backstage of your building, I nearly stumbled in on the first show. From my distance, I could see what appeared to be a seam on the back of your head. Of course, I didn't want to ruin my cover, so I snapped a shot with a stolen cellphone and left. Useful devices, they are... What's your response?
Sincerely,
~ Leon Leviathan Kinotolian
P.S: Don't look up if you want to remain conscious till the end of the interview. Also, Valtor wins.”
*Valtor subconsciously looks up, then falls over a second later, out cold*
Kenta: Looks like he doesn’t win after all.
Merlin: Where is your brotherly love?!
Kenta: That’s the least of my concerns right now! That guy’s on to my wi- I mean, my hair- I mean . . . oh look, there’s more to this letter!
“Dear Merlin Durai,
M.A.G.I.C. is fine and all, but can it compete with Lulu's Ultima Fury?
~ Tyren, AKA Zack-e-pants”
Merlin: Ultima Fury is arcane magic. We’re not supposed to fool around with forces beyond our comprehension.
Kenta: So that’s a no.
Merlin: Indeed. I’ve lived a long life. I know where to draw the line.
Kenta: So Lulu would kick your butt.
Merlin: Yep.
Kenta: Ha, I th- wait, hold on! What the hell! You’re supposed to say that you’re a phoenixian, and you can’t die! You’d win by outlasting her!
Merlin: I never said I can’t die. And it wasn’t a question of who could outlast who. You seem indignant, Kenta.
Kenta: Well duh, I’m indignant! I’m a M.A.G.I.C. user too! If Lulu could destroy even you, she’d mash me up! How can you be so calm at a time like this?
Merlin: Kenta, I’d like you to take a moment of time out to think this over. Tyren’s question is one like the Americans often debate with the Cubans. “If you were to launch all your missiles, you could kill us five times over. But if we were to launch all our missiles, we could kill you fifty times over.” It’s foolish to ponder such a thing, because whoever launches first, obliterates the other either way. Lulu could be Ultima-unlimited, but if you were to simply chop off her head with your Songale, it’s a fair guess that she’d die.
Kenta: Oh. Well, yeah.
Merlin: M.A.G.I.C. is a natural power, not a supernatural one. While it isn’t as strong as actual Forbidden Magic, it gets the job done all the same, and it's safer. Hopefully, that job is to build up, and not to destroy.
Kenta: Okay, yes, I get it. Come here and help me move Valtor’s body onto the Hot Seat. I think someone hit him with a tranquilizer dart, then made a break for it. I see why he had that metal detector, now.
Merlin: *Sarcastically* Am I boring you, Kenta?
Kenta: YES. Nothing funny has happened for the last three- *Double-takes* Oh my gosh! You’re being sarcastic! You, Merlin Durai, of all people!
Merlin: Looks like you got one over me.
Kenta: Oh come ON, at least pretend to be embarrassed!
Merlin: I thought you didn’t want that.
Kenta: You know what? Here. You read the next letter, Mr. Mental Defenses.
Merlin: I like what you did with my initials, there. Very creative. Ahem: “Dear Guy From The Sidelines,
I've been wondering this since the first interview, are you Max? You know, the little useless nerd that travels around with his ugly sister, May and the kid that never ages and started out with a hacked Pikachu, Ash? Or are you related to him some how? Also, why do you have such a negative attitude? For now on, I'm going to call you "Mr. Max Rip Off".
Sincerely,
iDemon
P.S. Levian, your sisters are hot."
Levian: *From the sidestage* Oh, you all just can go straight to Hell!
Kenta: Go home already, Levian! Your interview has been over for weeks!
Merlin: Since this letter isn’t for either of us, should we just not worry about it?
Kenta: Works for me. We’re going to pull one more, and call that it. “Dear Bobbing for Lobsters,
I've loved your show since the first interview (though it's been only two so far).
How can I get the front row or any type of special seats?
Sincerely,
inu43
P.S- Does being tied up come with it (Hooray for being tied up!)?”
Merlin: Do you have some sort of relationship with this girl?
Kenta: No. Why do you ask?
Merlin: No reason. Anyway, I’m not the host. What’s your response?
Kenta: I don’t think there are any seats left open. Unless one of the audience members dies of dehydration (which incidentally, almost happened a couple days ago), there’s no getting seats. There’s only one left open, and Valtor’s laying in it right now.
Merlin: And what about the tying up part?
Kenta: We only tie up dangerous people, now. Think about it- what would go through our viewers’ minds, if they saw an underage girl in bondage on this stage, with two guys asking her extremely awkward questions?
Merlin: . . . are you going to be interviewing my daughter at some point in this series?
Kenta: Y-yes.
Merlin: *Pleasantly* I hope you haven’t forgotten about my battle with Count Longreign, Kenta. Particularly after that recent reminder of a movie clip.
Merlin: Please be nice to Kristora, when it comes to be her turn. Now then, I believe it’s time for the Skeptic’s Input section of your show. As you seem to be frozen up in terror, shall I invite him to the stage? Mr. Guy, if you would be so kind . . .
*Imperial March theme plays. Enter Guy From The Sidelines, stage right*
Guy From The Sidelines: *To Kenta* Good evening, Inuyasha ripoff. I just love how you and your brother travel in separate parties as rivals, and how your girlfriend journeys with you nearly all the time.
Kenta: *Mouth forms the words “shut up”*
Guy From The Sidelines: I never get tired of that. *Eyes Merlin* So, you’re the legendary Stolen One of the Creator’s character pool. I’ve got a LOT to say to you.
Merlin: Certainly, go right ahead. But first, I have something that I think is for you.
Guy From The Sidelines: What the fudge?
“Dear Guy From The Sidelines,
I've been wondering this since the first interview, are you Max? You know, the little useless nerd that travels around with his ugly sister, May and the kid that never ages and started out with a hacked Pikachu, Ash? Or are you related to him some how? Also, why do you have such a negative attitude? For now on, I'm going to call you "Mr. Max Rip Off".
Sincerely,
iDemon
P.S. Levian, your sisters are hot.”
Kenta: *Snort*
Guy From The Sidelines: Wipe that smirk off your face.
Kenta: What, are you the Trick Master now?
Guy From The Sidelines: I wouldn’t be talking if I were you.
Kenta: Whatever you say, useless nerd with an ugly sister.
Guy From The Sidelines: . . . don’t do this, Kenta. I don’t want to have to **** your self-esteem. You would never fully recover from the trauma. Then what will the Creator do?
Kenta: Hey, where’s Merlin?
Guy From The Sidelines: He’s gone! What in the freaking-?! . . . you know what, hell with this, I’m leaving. Goodbye, everyone. You all still suck. *Vanishes*
Kenta: Hm. *Looks around* I’m all alone on the stage. Merlin somehow avoided Guy From The Sidelines’s wrath, Guy got all pissy and left, and Valtor’s out cold in the Hot Seat. This is a rather awkward way to end. *Looks down* And . . . I see I peed myself from Merlin’s threat earlier. Oh, the irony. I’m just going to end the show now-
Merlin: Words of Wisdom for today! “Friendship is like peeing on yourself! Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings!”
Kenta: Turn off the @#$%ing camera!